What I’m about to share is really hard to write publicly, to “air our dirty laundry”. Sam agreed to me writing this (because it’s about him too), and so, in hopes that someone might read it and find a little comfort or strength -
::deep breath::
Sam is an alcoholic. I almost let it ruin our marriage.
That’s right – me. Alcoholism is a sickness, a disease that spreads through an entire family, infecting everyone in a different way. For Sam, it was the alcohol that consumed him. For me, it was the “thought” of alcohol and controlling the drinking that slowly began to consume my life. My entire thought process. Everything. All I did, all day long, was think about him drinking. From the moment I woke up, till I went to sleep, and I even started dreaming about it. 7 1/2 years.
I felt helpless, insecure, and out of my mind crazy. Whenever he drank, I felt as if I had to control it. I had to make it stop, make it less somehow. I watched him like a hawk to make sure that he wasn’t drinking too much, or that he was sneaking it. I didn’t like to go out for fear he would drink and start acting silly. I didn’t like to stay home because I would pick a fight and we would end up screaming at each other for hours.
I tried everything I could think of to get him to stop – or to get myself to cope. I drank with him, I drank before him, I drank after him, I out-drank him, I punished him for drinking, I nagged him about drinking, I fought with him about drinking, I threw alcohol out the window, I poured it down the drain, I hid it from him, I finished it first, marked the amount on the beer can in the fridge, checked it in the morning, stayed up at night listening for the beer can sound; I cried, begged, screamed, pleaded, argued, and agreed to plan after plan about drinking.
Only beer. Only specialty beer. Only wine. Only Fridays. Only on his days off. Only after 4. Only after Bella was in bed. Only when I was around. Only when I drank too.
All of these agreements were broken, causing me to retreat further into CONTROL mode. Which caused him to drink more, hide more, and become more and more resentful of me. I was no longer a wife, I was an overbearing mother to him.
And in the meantime, I was turning into someone I hated. I made so many empty threats and never carried one of them out. I thought about leaving all the time, but never could. I loved Sam, but I wanted to get away from crazy ole me.
I began to feel as if I was slowly losing my mind. I was so, so unhappy with life in general. I dreaded his days off – DREADED them. I felt as if the only thing I could do was make him as unhappy as me, then he would understand that his drinking had pushed us to this and he would stop.
The only thing that did was cause us to fight more, threaten more, and to start considering divorcing.
The night before we moved here (mid August), we were staying with my mom. I was mean to Sam all day because I knew he wanted to drink and I didn’t want to go anywhere he could. So I turned on “sarcastic bitch” mode, and did it well. I ruined both of our evenings.
I went to bed early and sat there thinking of how much I hated my life. Mom peeked through the door and asked if everything was ok. I began to cry and tell her how I hated being married, hated everything. I fully expected her to be sympathetic, but instead, I got what I deserved and needed.
“You know, you were so awful to Sam today. Really horrible. I can’t believe you treated him like that,” she said.
I almost died. Um, I was the one with all the stress because of him. Didn’t she realize what I was going through?
After a couple hours of talking, I began to see that she was right – my problems, my attitude, my control was mine. This wasn’t just Sam, it was something I had been struggling with my entire life. Even without alcohol involved. Alcohol just made it worse – in part because I couldn’t control it.
And although I’ve been in church since I was a little girl, and knew all the right words and said all the right things, that night I realized I had no idea what it meant to be a Christian wife, mother, or person. I always thought that when someone gave their life to Christ, it was because they had hit rock bottom with drugs, going to jail, whatever. I wasn’t like that – I had it together. ::snorts::
I didn’t realize until that moment that my rock bottom was emotional. Right then and there, desperate for a change, I prayed something I’ll never forget with her, “Oh Jesus, I hate me so much. I hate what I’ve become. Please, please help, because whatever I’ve been doing the past 7 years of my marriage obviously isn’t working.”
I didn’t wake up the next day a new person, or Polly Pureheart. But something had changed, I just didn’t know it yet.
One week later, I laid in bed as Sam drank in our apartment at 2am and thought I was going to throw up. I went out, looked at him and the beer bottles and said, “I’m done.” He rolled his eyes – he’d heard that probably a thousand times. I went back to my room, and as I laid there I pictured him falling down the apartment stairs and dying. And even though I knew I would have been devastated, part of me was relieved because I wouldn’t have to deal with the drinking anymore.
Yeah. :/
It was right then I knew I was just as sick as he was from this – if not sicker. What was I thinking, how could I envision that type of stuff? I love Sam, he is my best friend. We have been through so much together, how did we end up like this?
The next morning, after he went to work, I wrote him a note that explained how much I loved him, but I just couldn’t live like this anymore until things changed. I packed my and Bella’s things, and left. I went back home to my parents – 3 hours away.
I never have felt so unsure of a decision in my life. Everything in me SCREAMED for me to go back as I left. It would have been so easy – so easy to just pretend nothing had ever happened and when he got home we would make up for the night before with apologies and empty promises, and go back to disliking each other. Life would continue.
But I had a strength I had never had before, something told me as I looked at Bella and the innocence we were ruining, as I thought of what Sam wanted so desperately to be as a husband and father – to go. To leave and finally stick to a threat I had made. I had to so that I could get away from what I had let myself become.
So I left.
Twitter: tophersgirl1
says:
Regardless of what happens in the “to be continued” part, I cannot recommend Al-anon enough for you.
Mae just wrote This can’t continue
Twitter: theleakysippy
says:
i can’t imagine how hard this has been for you but i applaude your courage to share your story becasue it might help someone else
themanager just wrote BIG news!
Oh sweet sweet friend ~ wow this was well written you are such a great writer. I’m so sorry that you are and have gone through all of this, but love is stronger. I know you both will get through this. You both are great great people and sometimes we get caught up in bad feelings and then things get worse, happens to everyone. Bella is lucky to have you both. Be strong friend. Love and miss you lots
It’s amazing what you find out you can “get” through (live through, survive through) when you are put into a situation you never imagined. Everything seems manageable, until one day…it’s not. I can’t wait to read the rest, and find out how the two of you have moved on with your marriage and your love for each other.
Twitter: bkatedesigns
says:
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you, thinking about you, Sam and your family. I hope you both can work things out and re-establish your happiness together. It is really hard and I applauder you for writing this post, it is well-written. And for Sam, letting this become public, I applaud you, that is a very big step.
Cindy @ This Adventure, Our Life just wrote How do you think it happened- Seriously
I have been through a similar situation this past year if you want to talk. Good for you for finally taking charge of YOUR life. It’s definitely not easy, but at some point you have to do what’s right for you (and your daughter of course).
Missy Salsa just wrote Some of My Finds
Twitter: mamaofthefisch
says:
I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I appreciate the honesty and the emotion that comes with this post. Up to this point, I have blogged about my kid but never the heavy stuff. The stuff that weighs on our minds every second of the day. You are stronger woman than most just because you hit post after writing this. You are strong woman because you did the best thing for you, your husband and your baby. Stay strong and fight the good fight. Good vibes coming your way…
Twitter: cravinmommyhood
says:
I think you are a very brave person to post this for all to read. You seem like a very strong woman and I hope this helped you in some way, and I know it might help another person going through a possibly similar situation. I wish you luck in your life and hope you continue being strong.
Twitter: babyfeet3
says:
I can hear your mom’s voice as she was talking to you. She is truly a wise woman, isn’t she? My heart breaks for you and Sam, and yet it rejoices because I know what joy and love lie ahead for you guys. Prayers coming your way.
See you next week!
Kim just wrote Friday Flip Off – Depression! Anxiety!
Twitter: MomNom
says:
Oh friend, this is such a powerful post. Without even hearing the “to be continued” part I already k now it was the right thing. Prayers for your little family. XOXO
Tiffany just wrote The World’s Smallest Mom Stirs Up BIG Questions
My Mom is an alcoholic. I can totally relate. She relapsed after her first time in rehab, and we aren’t speaking again. She broke me, broke my spirit and doesn’t think anything of it. While it is a disease, they have to be accountable. They can’t hurt their loved ones because they are “sick” it almost becomes an excuse in my eyes.
Twitter: jessesco
says:
You are amazingly strong. Bella has an amazing mom with a good head on her shoulders and a bigger heart. I know each day is a step for you and I’m glad that they seem to be going to a place that doesn’t involve you being miserable.
With all my heart, I am glad you are happy.
Jess@Straight Talk just wrote Power Hungry or how to not be a jerk
I went through something very similar with my man.
Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame yourself for resenting him, resenting the alcohol, or even being mean to him. And please pleae do not blame yourself for his drinking. I did that. I thought he had to drink to get away from my bad attitude – but my bad attitude was because of his drinking. So, yes, it was a catch 22. But, really, why he drinks has nothing to do with you. I also reccomend alanon meetings for both of you.
I’m interested to hear whats next in the to be continued
Daisy just wrote Money Cant Buy you Happiness
Thank you, thank you for having the courage to write this.
Twitter: alyssagamlin
says:
Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to reading the next part!
Alyssa just wrote September 2010
Twitter: TheNextMartha
says:
This will not be easy. But it sounds like it has not been easy. Sending you much love and strength for your journey.
Hello, I recently found your blog and wanted to say that I am sorry for your current situation. I am going through something similar but have decided to try to work out the problems in my marriage…we’ll see.
Anyway I am a new subscriber and I hope you’ll accept this Lovely Blog Award.
http://www.lifesgreatestblessing.com/2010/10/my-first-blog-award.html
I know you don’t know me but I am willing to listen if you need anyone to talk to, just shoot me an email.
Thank you for sharing this personal story. Someone in this world feels a little less alone now because they know they aren’t the only one dealing with this.
I could have written part 1 myself. Just change a couple of names. I’m still working on the part 2. I recently put it in the hands of God. He will be able to do what I have tried to do for 4 years. Thank you for writing this very important story. I will pray for your family, as I continue to pray for my part 2.