When Sam was at his worst drinking point last summer, I used to think every day, “If he would just stop drinking life would be perfect.” I couldn’t imagine wanting one more thing than for him to come home and announce he was done. And really be done.
So when he stopped, the best thing we could have done was to see our marriage counselor again – one month into his sobriety. I remember him saying that while we were all giddy and happy and willing to change our whole lives and personalities for each other at that moment, that down the road we would start to notice things that would bother us, and we would have to adjust to living with each other sober.
Life since then has been two things. First – wonderful. The part of me that so desperately craved to have my husband back is fulfilled. He is 100% a partner in our marriage and in our family again. I can say that my life is how I’ve always wanted it to be – and some of that has to do with Al Anon and not drinking myself.
Second – it’s been difficult. Because while his drinking stopped completely, my nagging didn’t completely. And there were and are times were I know he resents that because it was just as big of an issue as his drinking in many ways. I am working really hard on it, but it’s there. It’s part of my insecurities, fears and controlling ways.
Along with that, his role in our family drastically changed. I had always managed the money. For 7 years of our marriage, I did it and did it poorly. We had money, we just never had a lot of savings and I felt like I could harp on him 24-7 about his drinking because I was the one who knew how much money we had in our account. I was always stressed out, always upset, and we always fought about money. When Sam became sober, he took over the finances. And as much as I hated doing them, I disliked him having that power over the money.
So while it has become more of an equal balance as we’ve found our comfort level in it, he still manages our finances. And? We have savings. We have one car payment and student loans. We have almost no debt because of him.
He is more involved in our lives, which took getting used to. I felt like I had been a single parent for the first year of Bella’s life in many ways, and suddenly he wanted a part of that. It was hard to let go, or to ask him for his opinion.
There have been times I’ve resented the fact that I will never drink again. While that is my choice to be completely sober, the fact that we had to get to this level makes me a little angry. But I realize those thoughts come from me drinking too much as well, and I always ask myself if I would rather have my life right now, or go back to the way things were simply because I should be able to have wine in the house.
And I choose now. Every time.
I still have fears of him drinking – I think I always will. It’s such a powerful thing. It took such a hold of our lives and robbed us of so much happiness together. But I have faith in him, I know that isn’t what he wants for himself and his career, and to be remembered as that as a father.
Our lives are so different. For the first time in a long time, I am more than happy. Because happiness is brought on by things, stuff, fleeting moments. I am joyful. I have a comfort and a peace I have never known before that carries me through good and bad days.
The aftermath of alcoholism isn’t easy. It isn’t all roses or 27 pots of coffee a day. 
It’s work. It’s fighting to make a new path. But it’s totally worth it. I would never go back and change one thing I did when I decided to leave. It brought me the life I dreamed of for 7 years.
You’re doing so great and I am so happy for you and Sam! Hang in there!!
Twitter: ninjapanza
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I am so happy for you, that you’re seeing all your and Sam’s hard work pay off in gold.
Sara just wrote a crappy cell phone video for your Wednesday
Twitter: TheDanaK
says:
I’m the child of an alcoholic and this post really hit home with me. Alcoholism affects your relationships forever in some way. My husband is not an alcoholic, but I have pulled some of the same tactics solely because of my fears surrounding alcohol.
Thank you for being so open about this and I hope y’all continue to move forward.
Dana K just wrote Have You Missed Me- Facebook
Twitter: TeresaThinks
says:
Wow, Diana, that is awesome. My dh drinks a lot of beer, every day and hasn’t admitted that it’s a problem. I see it, get jealous that he can numb himself and I have to be the sober responsible one for the kids, and I nag, which leads to him drinking more (he uses that as an excuse). He DOES take care of the finances, and we have no debt, so why should i be angry? Ugh. He is the provider, but not the best dad/husband. I hope he can one day find the strength as your dh did. Thank you for sharing this, it gives me hope for a happier future. Good luck and God Bless.
Teresa just wrote Sunday Confessions- Easy- breezy- beautiful
Twitter: confscrapaholic
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Awesome post! I’m also the daughter of an alcoholic father and this hit home to me as well. I’m so glad to hear things are a lot better now and I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers for continued strength!
Twitter: farfromcamelot
says:
Thank you for sharing….my family comes from a long line of alcoholics, so I keep that forefront in my mind when I have a couple drinks. I don’t have an addictive personality, so I’m sure that helps but everyone isn’t so lucky…prayers for your family to stay on this new path of life!
Twitter: notmommyofyear
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You guys are both doing great working through all the day in day out stuff, without alcohol. How wonderful that you have each other to lean on now. Keep it up, my friend.
It’s so great that you are both learning to be a better couple without the crutch of alcohol. I wish only the best for you guys, and in your continuing commitment to having a healthy and sober relationship. You are both so amazing.
Twitter: babyfeet3
says:
What a strong, heartfelt and open post, Diana. I love that you show us where you were, where you are and the hard work you guys have put in. Your honesty truly inspires me. Truly.
kim just wrote Mean
Twitter: LisaNoel0
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I sooo feel you. I also found that just because the drinking stops doesn’t always mean the behavior changes. My husband is still very much an alcoholic/addict and he is always addicted to something. For awhile it was facebook games, now its school. Obviously the things are getting more productive and less harmfull but the level of obsession is still hard to deal with. There is no moderation in anything. But he also hasn’t attended a meeting in forever. Of course he was addicted to meetings for awhile. Which totally screwed up our anniversary one year because he swore he couldn’t leave when someone new came to a meeting visibly upset after. Even though there were 5 others who stayed and they told him the right thing to do was leave and spend the time with me, he stayed another hour leaving the carry out we preordered sitting unpicked up until it was inedible.
All this not to harp on our issues but for others who may be going through the addiction of a loved one, it isn’t all magically wonderful just because they stop.
Twitter: bransonlee
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Having grown up with an alcoholic father, drinking is a big cause of scuffles in our marriage. I am so glad Sam was able to make the decision to put his family first… some people never do. I love your honesty, I am proud of you for seeing where you need to change too, and I am always praying for your family
Branson just wrote Menu Plan Monday – April 11
Twitter: JnJGoGreen
says:
I admire your strength and how open you are about what is going on in your life. Addiction can rip families apart so I am so glad that it has not done this to yours.
Jen just wrote Earth Day!
Me and my daughter has been in so much pain, i have suffered allot from my husband, he always come home drunk and i have tried so many way to stop him from doing this, But no way until a my co-worker who is from Africa introduced me to this spiritual spell caster who help me get cast a spell and my husband stop drinking. and my life has be a testimony and that i will never forget that i own this man email is vadoospell@gmail.com instead of divorcing your husband why not do this and save your relationship. Thank