Fail Day.

Yesterday I was sitting on the floor, reading to Bella. We were on one of those Pillow Pet deals, hers is a ladybug, reading Good Night Moon.

Well, not so much reading as turning the pages double because she just likes to find the mouse, “Mou Mou” and shriek with delight. And the mouse is only on the colored pages.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I see a spider running out from underneath the pillow. Nearly throwing Bella across the room, I jump to my feet and scream, then look at her huge eyes wondering what my deal is. She grins and points at it, “Zzzzzttt,” and looks at me to confirm.

I do not confirm because I hate spiders. Hate.

It crawls across the floor and under her nightstand. To come out later and kill us or something. I realize I need to get it, but Sam isn’t home. And this leaves me with quite the dilemma:

Apparently, it is my job to kill the spider. And I don’t kill spiders.

Because my mom lives 600 miles away, I really don’t have a choice. I think about toilet paper and then gag when I realize this includes squishing it and either feeling or hearing that happen. Or?

It crawls out of the tissue. On me.


Instead, I decide on an air spray can that cleans our computers for freezing it, along with some type of rug cleaner to make sure it’s dead. I head back to the bedroom armed and ready.

It’s gone.

So I take apart the nightstand; pull out the drawer and the books, flip them over ever so carefully to avoid contact with the horrid creature. Nothing. Not a sign. I start to blow the air can into all the cracks hoping to get him out or simply freeze him right in his hidy hole. Bella stands looking at me quizzically, as if pondering when she is going to be able to play with the spider once I’m done spazzing out. Finally, I give up and keep a sharp eye out for him the rest of the day. Everything that touches me makes me shudder.

Next I find the caulk and caulking gun that Sam left out. Knowing our sink and bathroom need touch ups, I figure this is the perfect time. I skim read the directions and start to press the gun over and over. And over. And not a drop comes out. I look carefully at the top and realize it hasn’t been opened. So I grab the scissors and cut it open – only to have it begin to shoot out caulk at an alarming rate all over the place.

Immediately I try to use it to caulk the sink, but it’s too fast. I can’t get it to do much of anything but make a white web all over the kitchen. I put my finger on the top of the tube and read the directions again. “Push thumb trigger in to release.”

Ah yes. The thumb trigger. How simple. Why didn’t I do that?

Because I don’t know where the farking thumb trigger is. And I’m trying everything to get it to stop, while managing to pump it several more times and cause it to make an even larger mess. At this point I drop it over the side of the trashcan to let it keep on caulking in there while I clean up the mess. Bella stares at me and the mess as if to say, “What the deuce Lois?” Indeed.

I text Sam, “I tried to caulk with the gun and it made a mess and won’t stop coming out – how do I get it to stop?”

No answer.

After a good 15 minutes, it’s barely doing anything. I take it out of the caulked trash can and leave it alone. Sam calls a couple hours later and explains the shiny silver tab on the back of the gun? That is the thumb trigger. And to push in.

The rest of the day was spent on the patio watching Bella play in the pool. Really, how badly could I screw up putting water in the pool?

Until I hosed down the patio to get the stickers/bugs off and forgot my laptop was sitting on the table in the way…

Nicely done Diana. Nicely done.


  1. melissa says

    Hahahahahahaha! It’s a very good thing you did not get stationed in Kansas then. I was forced to kill 4 spiders a day. I’m pretty much the rambo of spider killing now!

  2. says

    Lol, good to know I am not the only person who has days like this. I hope today is a much better day!

  3. says

    Melissa is right….when we were at Riley the spiders were EVERYWHERE. And it was just me…for so long…ACK!

    And of course now I’m back in the south. And here the spiders have a supply of steroids. They are MASSIVE.

  4. says

    EEEK! I have always hated spiders! Just know that in a few short years, you’ll be murdering those things with a shoe and not even think twice about it. I was the exact same way and made Ray do it for me as I screamed. Funny how we change and “man up” to protect our babies!!!

    My kids only like to find the mouse in that book too.

    is your laptop ok?!

    • says

      How funny about Goodnight Moon! I wondered when I posted this if anyone would say, “Mine too!”

      And yeah, luckily my laptop made it.

  5. says

    Oh mah gosh that sounds like me with spiders… not joke I would have done the same thing… after I screamed so loud my neighbors would, more then likely, ran over to see if i was being stabbed.

    • says

      The laptop survived! And I never saw that spider again. Now I feel all guilty when I put Bella to bed, thinking of how I should have looked a lot harder.

  6. Alison says

    I love that the first thing you think of is to have Mom squish the spider lol. I still do that too, but now I sleep with a can of raid next to my bed, it does wonders!! :)

  7. says

    I freaking HATE spiders too!! When I see one, I go crazy. I hate when hubs isn’t home to kill then, so I have too. I can’t wait till Jake is old enough to be the “man of the house” and kill them for mommy!

    • says

      That’s what I was thinking the entire time about Bella, “I hope you get big and want to kill your own spiders.”

      But probably not. lol

  8. says

    You know what I do when I encounter a bug in my home & nobody is around to rescue me (I mean, kill it)? Trap it under a glass. Everyone who knows & loves me loves me a little less for this classic Jaime move, but whatever. The thought of a little bug body crunching under my foot or hand or whatever totally skeeves me. Bad.

    Sorry you had such a crazy day, but thanks for posting about it to make me laugh on my crappy day!

    • says

      OMG. I would do this if he’d been on a hard surface. I also trap it, then take a paper and slide it under and flip it to keep it in. Then take it outside. And usually throw all of it into the yard until it crawls away. Then I go get the cup.

      See also: complete freak.

  9. says

    I discovered upon moving in with Hubs that I would have to be the spider killer – because we’re BOTH terrified of the damn things, but apparently I’m braver than he is in this situation… I’m a little concerned about Goose catching our fears (because seriously, I’m depending on her to be our spider killer in another year or two!) 😉 sorry about the crappy day – I try to stay away from caulk as often as possible… I always screw it up!

  10. says

    I am SO right there with you with the spiders. Hairspray works wonders!!! lol – it’s my weapon of choice when dealing with them. I now have the heebie jeebies after reading this!
    I’m sorry you’re day was so rough…but I got a good laugh! Thanks for sharing :)

  11. says

    Okay, this story just made me laugh so hard, and then I read the comments about the spiders in Kansas. They are really no joke. I saw so many spiders there, and very few here in TX. Although, not to completely skeeve you out, but I have the worst spider story, like freaking ever. I’m going to message you the story, because it may be disturbing to some viewers!!