Lately I’ve felt very, very keenly how much of a box this blog has put me in. There are things that I have said on here that I feel I can’t get away from. Change my mind on. Display the opposite of.
I have always wanted this blog to be a place where anyone can stop by and think, “Oh! Me too!” And by using labels and the words “never” and “always”, I feel I’ve made that harder and harder. I’ve begun to sense the fact that people have read me for so long they know who I am in a way even I don’t.
So here we are. 20 confessions about me that I’ve been itching to say for a while. Let’s break out of the “I’m the perfect mom with the cleanest home on the block” mold I’ve tried to force myself into.
- I’m not going to refer to myself as an “attached parent” or practicing attachment parenting anymore. I like their method, but I parent. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I ignore my kid. Sometimes I put her in a timeout even though that’s frowned on. Most of the time I just parent the best I can.
- I have good and bad days here. I don’t always enjoy living in El Paso, but I choose to be happy. That might sound odd, but I do. I choose to find the good parts and the bright spots.
- We don’t have the perfect marriage, but it is far better than it’s ever been.
- I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again. And I’m actually ok with it. Even though I feel like I should be sad or appalled over it.
- I’d have formula fed Bella if I didn’t feel incredibly guilty about the money and the fact that I could breastfeed; I just hated it. That was just about the only reason I didn’t. I feel like it’s overrated.
- I still dislike my body.
- I love how long my hair is.
- I wish I believed in myself more.
- I wish that every time I sat down to write I didn’t wonder what on earth I was doing.
- I would love to be a housewife and have nothing to worry about but a clean home and dinner and the kids.
- I know that I’d be unhappy after a month of it.
- I push myself with writing and being paid so that I can stay at home and never worry about how we can afford me to.
- I think about shutting down this blog all the time but I wonder how I’d decompress or sort things out if I did.
- We have a drain the middle of our shower and I’ve never stepped on it. Not even on accident. Because I would die. Obviously.
- We have a whirlpool tub that I can’t get in because there is a drain.
- I buy organic because I do think it’s better but also because I feel a little smug in the checkout line about it.
- I’m probably the most judgmental person in the world. But when I meet you, in my head I know you are. And I’m totally judging you for it. :p
- I’m terrified every time I hit the publish button on here.
- I wonder if I’ll ever feel grown up. Not just little glimpses of it.
- I love my life so much it feels like it’s wrong.