When you realize faith isn’t tangible.

I sit in the therapist’s office. Listening to what he says about finding a center to my world again.

“Do you go to church? Are you…” I hear the hesitation of someone who has innocently offended people with this question. “Spiritual?”

I nod. “I’m a Christian.”

“A church here?” he prompts.

I shake my head, instantly feeling guilty. I should have. I should be going. 

“Why?” he asks. “Have you looked and not found a good fit? Is it something you feel helps you?”

No and yes.

I’ve looked at one since we’ve been here. It was big and loud and flashy. I grew up in my dad’s church, small ones that were tight knit. There isn’t a thing wrong with mega churches – I am simply not used to them.

I try to think of why I’ve wandered, yet again, so far away from God lately. Look where it’s gotten me again. Another mess. Another controlling, freak out, spazzed out, tired mess.

“It’s not tangible,” I blurt out. “God, church, praying – the results aren’t something I see and can focus on. Cooking, cleaning, knitting – I see the results of my effort…”

I realize what I’m saying.

I.am.a.hawt.mess.

He nods. “But you still need it, right? For you, this is important.”

And it is. I realize once again, as my world shifts and I am left clinging to my own frenzied attempts to fix things, how very off center I am with my faith. How in a year, I’ve gone back to the old me in so many ways.

It won’t be an instant fix. It won’t fix everything – because somethings can’t ever be perfect. But it will help. I have to get back to this, I have to make the center of my world Jesus again. Nothing else has ever worked, and I’ve tried to fill that spot with a lot of things.

How hard it is to humble myself again and again and admit I simply can’t fix myself or anyone around me. And yet, the weight it lifts off me each time is the result. Tangible or not, it’s so real that I can almost feel it.

Comments

  1. Loved reading this! It’s what I’ve come to over and over again: I have no where else I can turn, even when the results are anything but tangible. And this? “Tangible or not, it’s so real that I can almost feel it.” This is beautiful!

  2. Please know that we’re all here and we’re all pulling for you. I grew up in small churches and the comfort and support that they can provide is still amazing to me sometimes.

  3. Thanks for sharing! In a lot of ways this is me right now too. I need to make Jesus the center again. I love your blog. You are a blessing. Keep it up!

  4. I grew up Catholic (k-college and taught at a Catholic school) and NEVER had a relationship with Jesus until I completely stepped outside of my box and tried several different churches. I have found a spirtitual home in a Methodist church. Try lots of different churches, even mega-churches like Joel Osteen’s church, and you’ll know when you fit in and find the place that helps you become closer to God in your spiritual journey. :)

  5. You’ll be in my prayers – I’ve so been there!

    If you think it would help, I’d recommend the devotional Streams in the Desert. It’s one of my favorites – short, daily devotions in kind of an old-fashioned voice.

  6. I hear ya. I’ve been drifting for a while and haven’t found a church I like for many reasons. Yet I still talk to God on a daily basis, and even though I do that, I feel like I’ve shriveled inside and I need to grow. My husband and I got together and prayed last night, and felt the comfort it brought.

    Hope you guys find a place you can call your church home, feel fulfilled, and know Jesus loves you no matter what :)

  7. I actually know exactly what you are saying. When my hubby was TDY for 5 months…I strayed too. I didn’t think it was worth my time and effort of loading up 4 kids…blah, blah, blah. Now with this current 12 month deployment, I see it differently.I sit by myself mostly, but it is my own quiet time with God. I cry; I pray; I rest in His presence…and it helps.

  8. For me it might not be a physical, but I feel it emotionally, and spititually when I am choosing Heavenly Father. That really helps me the most, I can feel the difference for sure.

  9. Heather G. says:

    This hits me straight in the heart. I do this over and over. Praying for you.

  10. I love your honest posts. You wrote this so beautifully that I really could feel something. I think it is amazing that the therapist knows that faith heals! I am struggling right now too, not in church at the moment. The big flashy churches are taking over! I prefer the smaller, more Bible focused groups myself. My biggest excuse is that my kids don’t like the nursery, and they don’t sit quietly. I need to get over the laziness and discomfort and get out there!!!!!!!!

  11. Love this post. Finding my way back to a church had been a challenge for me. It is amazing the difference it makes, though…

  12. I’m totally crying over here. Not for you. With you. I hear and understand every word you just said. We all stumble. It takes a strong person to admit it. You’re just that, Diana. Strong.

  13. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I think what you are talking about here is something that all of us go through, all the way back to bible times. Was it Paul who said, “why do I do what I don’t want to do, and what i do want to do, I don’t” say that 5 times fast :) Anyways, the great thing about where you are at, is that you are aware. Now that you are aware, things will change. Surrender, is a beautiful thing.

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