The words pour over me as I huddle on the couch and wait for the sickness to pass. Again.
“I can’t do this another time.”
I turn to Sam and he knows. No more. I can’t live like this. It isn’t fair. To him, to Bella, to me. To the life we want, the plans and hopes we have.
This is it. This baby inside of me – this is the last one.
I am done.
28 years old. I thought we’d have four, maybe five kids.
Maybe we will.
But they won’t come from me.
I can’t be this sick ever again. I took a chance, I wanted so badly for things to be different this time. To have a pregnancy filled with joy and the sweet moments of creating a human. And sure, a little sickness. But not this. Not the crippling kind that makes me so nauseous I can’t function. And the medicine that helps was made for people undergoing radiation treatments. And it causes extreme tiredness, headaches, and weakness. So that every night I dread going to bed and every morning I dread waking up because I know all day long I will be so sick and so tired that it will take every bit of energy to do anything.
And poor Bella.
Hyperemesis has stripped so much away from me again. Thinking about being pregnant makes me sick. Sam touching my stomach makes me sick. I want to be left alone to sleep all day and I can’t. This won’t end. I know it, just like I knew I would be sick again. I desperately wanted it to be different, but inside I knew it wasn’t going to be.
I hate this. I HATE feeling like this instead of being glowing and loving and content with a new life in me.
So I sit on the couch and sob. Because I know this is it. We can’t do this again. I can’t stop my life for 9 months every few years and let everything go to hell while I try to grasp any moment of feeling normal and cram a day into a couple hours.
I’m blessed with two. I remind myself of that. I could have none. It could be hard to get pregnant and then have this happen. So much to be thankful for. Truly. I may sound ungrateful and I know it, but if you haven’t been in my shoes with this you can’t understand what I’m going through. It isn’t morning sickness. It’s life altering.
I didn’t expect this to be me. I’m so disappointed that it is. Again.
All my life I wanted a big family. And I never thought of this happening. So it will take time for me to accept it. To see the beauty and joy of the changes that we will make, the new life we will have. A child out there who I know waits for us in a different way.
But I will never, ever do this again.