Done

The words pour over me as I huddle on the couch and wait for the sickness to pass. Again.

“I can’t do this another time.”

I turn to Sam and he knows. No more. I can’t live like this. It isn’t fair. To him, to Bella, to me. To the life we want, the plans and hopes we have.

This is it. This baby inside of me – this is the last one.

I am done.

28 years old. I thought we’d have four, maybe five kids.

Maybe we will.

But they won’t come from me.

I can’t be this sick ever again. I took a chance, I wanted so badly for things to be different this time. To have a pregnancy filled with joy and the sweet moments of creating a human. And sure, a little sickness. But not this. Not the crippling kind that makes me so nauseous I can’t function. And the medicine that helps was made for people undergoing radiation treatments. And it causes extreme tiredness, headaches, and weakness. So that every night I dread going to bed and every morning I dread waking up because I know all day long I will be so sick and so tired that it will take every bit of energy to do anything.

And poor Bella.

Hyperemesis has stripped so much away from me again. Thinking about being pregnant makes me sick. Sam touching my stomach makes me sick. I want to be left alone to sleep all day and I can’t. This won’t end. I know it, just like I knew I would be sick again. I desperately wanted it to be different, but inside I knew it wasn’t going to be.

I hate this. I HATE feeling like this instead of being glowing and loving and content with a new life in me.

So I sit on the couch and sob. Because I know this is it. We can’t do this again. I can’t stop my life for 9 months every few years and let everything go to hell while I try to grasp any moment of feeling normal and cram a day into a couple hours.

I’m blessed with two. I remind myself of that. I could have none. It could be hard to get pregnant and then have this happen. So much to be thankful for. Truly. I may sound ungrateful and I know it, but if you haven’t been in my shoes with this you can’t understand what I’m going through. It isn’t morning sickness. It’s life altering.

I didn’t expect this to be me. I’m so disappointed that it is. Again.

All my life I wanted a big family. And I never thought of this happening. So it will take time for me to accept it. To see the beauty and joy of the changes that we will make, the new life we will have. A child out there who I know waits for us in a different way.

But I will never, ever do this again.

I’m done.


Comments

  1. I know you probably felt terrible posting this, but I’m so glad you did. Although I never dreamed of a “big” family like you did–I always pictured husband, me, two kids and a dog–I feel like my nine-month-old may be my only child because I had the same pregnancy you’re having now. Though no one diagnosed it or called it anything, I had incredible debilitating sickness for all nine months, day and night. I lost weight, I ended up in the hospital for fluids, and I literally felt like I lost myself for nine months. I hated daily life in every way, and I can’t imagine putting myself, my husband, or my son through that to have a second child.

    I’m glad you’re going to have two happy, healthy children and I think it’s beautiful that you are open to having others in your family–even if they don’t come from you. I hope you are able to get some relief.

  2. I am so sorry! I went through hyperemesis with my son and am done after one! I hope for you and your family’s sake that the nausea eases and you can find the joy sooner rather than later, because the joy of that new life will come even through the nausea :)

  3. Momma, I know how hard this is for you. And I can’t even imagine what you are going through. It makes me sad to know there’s nothing that can be done to help. But I do know that you are an amazing mom, and your family will grow. There are so many children out there that would be lucky to have you and Sam as parents. Lots of hugs to you. I’m here for you…whatever you need. <3

  4. Mommy had her tubes tied after 2 very difficult pregnancies, and knows how you feel. Sometimes she looks at Lulu and wishes she would stop growing so fast, because these are the last firsts, last newborn moments, etc… But there’s NO way she could ever go through another pregnancy like the 2 she had so it was the right choice for our family…

  5. I know that this is not a good analogy, but when I admitted that I couldn’t go off meds for pregnancy because I would not function and then, in that same conversation, learned that I couldn’t breastfeed, I sat on a park bench in the middle of New York City and sobbed. Because I wanted do this thing I always knew I would do–just be pregnant, have a baby–without so much risk and drama and careful oversight. I cried on that bench because I wanted to do this easily and breastfeed like the crazy hippie lady who raised me–with no trouble. I cried because I have spent my life picturing a specific moment (the is actually a picture of it on my blog, me and my mom the day I was born) and now, I will never have that moment. I will have something else, something amazing, something I will love and cherish. But I have every right to be sad about not having *that* one.

    I know that yours is a very different disappointment, but I support your right to mourn the pregnancy and motherhood experiences you dreamed about and will not have. It doesn’t make you ungrateful. It means that you care, and that these dreams and instincts and desires are meaningful and real. Whatever comes later (adoption, something you haven’t thought of yet, a miracle cure for this), taking a moment right now to mourn for what you so desperately wanted is so healthy. It sucks. (Why do healthy things suck so often?) It’s miserable. But after a lifetime of therapy, I can confidently say that being honest about feelings you cannot change and feeling them now can only be good in the long run.

    You have me in tears, now. I’m going to go hold that baby I nanny and keep praying that I’m pregnant this month. I hope Bella behaves angelically today and blows you a million kisses from across the room where she’ll be happily playing solo. Quietly.

  6. Honestly that is OK. I don’t think anyone blames you, or would ever make you feel bad about that, and if they do they are not worth your time. You have to be able to take care of yourself to take care of others. So sorry its back. (((hugs)))

  7. Oh, honey. I wish I could tell you something to make it better. But I can’t. So I’ll pray for you and listen to whatever you need to say.

  8. I have no words. This pierced my heart for you. I can’t even begin to fathom what you are going through and continue to experience. I am happy that at the “end” of it all – you will have two precious gifts from God. You WILL be in my prayers……and on my heart.

  9. Big hugs. Wise women know their limitations. And you are right, there are other ways to grow your family. One of the couples I admire the most have 5 children (2 via biological, 2 via foreign adoption (Ghana ), and 1 via domestic adoption). I’m sorry you are so sick again and I hope you find peaceful rest soon.

  10. I am SO glad I stumbled upon your post! I had hyeremesis with both of my pregnancies. It was worse w/ my second. I lost 28 lbs and was hospitalized for hydration multiple times. I know what you are going thru is so awful. I too took the zofran medicine and it did nothing. People that dont have hyperemesis just dont understand. I wish you the best of luck w/ this pregnancy and pray it goes by quickly for you. Just keep your eye on the prize!! Sweet baby. :)

  11. I am SO sorry! My best friend was super sick with her first but her second pregnancy was “smooth sailing” so to speak. She had some nausea but not like the first time. I had hoped you would be the same way. I’ll be praying for you. I wish I knew some secret cure!

    Here is a Pin that made me think of you…hopefully it will put a smile on your face in the midst of another miserable day!

    http://pinterest.com/pin/165155511304565723/

  12. I know how you feel. I had pretty normal pregnancy’s, only minor complications except for antepartum depression and after the second baby severe postpartum depression. I am lucky to be alive. But anyway I realized that it would be a really bad idea to have another baby. But I wanted 4 at least. I love my kids. And all babys. It was a very hard decision to make but when I realized that I could be an awesome mom to 2 kids. And my husband told me that if an opportunity presented itself we would adopt. I made the appointment for my husband to get a vasectomy (it was his turn to take one for the team). In the year and a half since making the decision I have only felt better and better about it. Of course when I see a tiny baby my uterus contracts. But it does not hurt me. I don’t feel sad about it.

    With my first I threw up every day. I lost 20 pounds. And I had days where I was so nauseous I couldn’t talk. But It was not Hyperemesis. I feel for you. And its worse when you cannot just lay around and be sick.

  13. I’m so sorry, Diana. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I don’t know what else to say because I don’t know what it’s like. But just know you are in my thoughts.

  14. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. It sucks! You are so right…life altering is definitely the right words! As I look back on my horrid pregnancies, I honestly don’t know how I made it through. But, we do. You will get through this!
    Many prayers and hugs coming your way!!

  15. Oh, Diana! I was so hoping your nausea would start to ease. And maybe it still will. I’ll keep praying for that to happen. In the meantime, you are going to be a wonderful mother to two beautiful birth children…… and I can’t begin to imagine how wonderful a mother you will be to future adopted children. There is much love in your heart, ready to be shared. This pregnancy is not the end for your family. Rather, this pregnancy marks a beginning for your family. Sending hugs!

  16. I’m so sorry you are not feeling well. I truly hope that it starts to get better for you. I will be sending positive energy your way. This may sound strange but having an apple every once in a while helped my nausea. Not sure why but once I found something that worked I kept at it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

  17. I had a very bad second pregnancy, my first wasn’t nearly as bad! My doctor put me on unisom and that did wonders for me. If I forgot to take it I had a horrible day so I never missed! Hope you feel better soon! It seems like forever when you don’e feel good, but the day will come and it will be worth it:) Side note our Andy is our last child because I was not going through that again! And my age caught up to me:)

  18. How awful!! I am pregnant for the third time and this is my first time experiencing nausea. It isn’t as bad as what you are going through, but I can kind of understand. I didn’t want more kids just because I really want to get out and work, but God had different plans. Have you tried mint tea? Or cold green tea? Tea seems to help my stomach relax a bit. If you are done, you are done. Their is no shame in that. Praying for you.

  19. I’m so sorry you’re having a bad time of this. I wish it could be better for you. I had pre-enclampsia during my pregnancies and was on bed rest with both. I would like another, but I won’t, because I don’t want to risk it again. I’m sorry you can’t have your dream of a big family, but I know you’ll enjoy every day with the ones you have. God bless you. Sending a big cyber-hug your way and saying a prayer for you.
    ~FringeGirl

  20. I am so sorry! I went through hyperemesis with my son and am done after one! I hope for you and your family’s sake that the nausea eases and you can find the joy sooner rather than later, because the joy of that new life will come even through the nausea

  21. Ugh. I really just cannot imagine being in your shoes, but I know it must be so awful. I really feel for you. Don’t feel guilty saying you can’t do it all – let the housework slip and have Sam help you find a sitter or part time daycare program. Trust me, I know it’s hard, but you can figure the finances out for child care later. Even just a mothers helper for a couple hours after high school lets out. You need to rest and take care of you and the baby.

  22. Big hugs to you! I hate that you’re so sick again.

  23. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. Truly, I can’t compare it to anything. Oh, how I want to kick myself in the face right now for saying this, but this too shall pass. Every single day, hour, minute, second that you are suffering, is one more second, minute, hour, day, week, month that you won’t have to face again. I know you and Sam are amazing people, and no matter how the children come into your lives, they will be loved and treasured forever. So sorry for the sickness, friend :(

  24. You deserve to cry, and sob and be angry. It’s your right. Women have it rough, but it is why we are the strongest, and the bravest.

  25. I came across your website through a link on the Pioneer Woman’s website. And I read this post. And all I can think is, “I’m right there with you, babe.”
    I am 28 weeks with my first and I really question having any more. There is nothing like being that sick… nothing. And the people that say, oh, I get it, I was queasy.. I just want to punch. Because they don’t get it. It is absolutely life-altering.

    I have no idea what my husband ate every day. I couldn’t cook. I couldn’t step in the kitchen. I couldn’t do dishes, laundry, clean… anything besides sleep- miserably- and puke. And puke. And puke. I have no idea how I worked, how people put up with me, and what I wore… did I wear clean underwear? Who knows.
    I was put on zofran as well- after being hospitalized after 24 hours of non-stop puking. We’re talking… every 20 minutes or so. You’re familiar with side-effects if you took it last time, but one thing I didn’t realize until after I stopped taking it was that it made me (and not the pregnancy) extremely constipated. So there I was, everything coming out the front -end… and nothing coming out the back-end. I have some stories, let me tell you. Never have I cried more in my life, between the nausea and everything else!
    I am also still taking unisom- talk to your doctor about it, but without it I would still be sick every day. I learned that the hard way. And it helps with the terrible sleep you are most likely (not) getting. I weaned myself off of zofran a while ago, but that blessed unisom is my saving grace.

    I wish I could come clean your house and take care of your baby and hold your hair back and get you the food that doesn’t make you sick… I am so there with you! Hang in there! Take it a minute at a time. I surely hope you have a great support system around you; it is so important!

    Know you are not alone; your feelings are not unwarranted, and that you DO have the strength to get through this. It was absolutely the most unrewarding and miserable time of my life and yet I know I will be so thankful to have the best prize ever at the end.

    Sending prayers your way, sister.

  26. My third pregnancy was like this – the hating of your own life even as you grow another.

    And it sucks. And it will for a while.

    But then you’ll have the cutest, sweetest little thing to make you forget about these loathsome nine months.

    And, some day, a verrrrrrrry long time from today, you will think “maybe just one more….”

    Blessings to you and all of your little ones.

  27. Momma Maven says:

    I thought the exact same thing when I was pregnant with D. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the idea of doing this again… and the next time with TWO kids to care for while feeling so awful. I just flat out told myself there’s no way, I cannot endure this ever. ever. ever. again.

    Thank god the black cloud eventually lifted and I was blessed with just enough amnesia that we will have more. Whether you decide to or not some day down the road just know that this awful place you are in WILL go away. It will.

  28. That is so sad. I can’t imagine the horror of HG, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it again. I’m sorry that your plans for a large family are being threatened by it as well.

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  1. [...] by kristinbanks Diana (from Hormonal Imbalances Blog) recently expressed perfectly what I felt for most of both of my pregnancies: “Every night I [...]