Today after I posted about thinking, yet again, of starting a new blog, I called my friend Kim and unloaded on her about my frustrations. I had no idea what was really wrong, the more I started listing stuff the stupider it seemed.

Bear with me, this has a point:

I’ve been sponsored to go to a conference by an amazing company.

I get paid (not a lot but some) to blog.

I have ads. Legit ones.

I have been syndicated.

I have incredible readers.

My blog continues to grow.

So what is it?

What you don’t see is this – I get turned down for paid writing gigs. All the time. And it really bothers me.

Because while the above is nice and include some of the the marks most bloggers yearn to hit at some point, it’s also very little to do with my actual writing ability. I feel at a standstill creatively. I can come on here and write about my day or thoughts, but only to a point. I’ve learned that I don’t enjoy controversy on here about things I strongly believe in, and so I avoid those issues.

But they are still there. Waiting to be written. Just not here.

And so I apply for gigs that I can blog about those things to an audience that can disagree with me and it won’t sting as much. I want to branch out with my writing style, I want to be challenged and meet deadlines and have ideas thrown at me for stories. I want to be a writer, not just a self made one but one that has something behind it, “I write at ______ and get paid.”

It just isn’t happening.

Changing this blog to another won’t do that either.

I’m not going to do it on here. It’s not my style and I don’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t mind if someone disagrees with me or gets upset over something I write, but I don’t want to do it on purpose on my blog. However, I’d have no problem doing it somewhere else – because for some reason it would be less personal.

I feel stuck. I love this blog, I love chronicling my life on here, and I am beyond grateful for the opportunities that have come from it, but creatively I feel very trapped. Part of me wonders if I’m being turned down because God knows in a few months I’ll have very little time for any of this but my blog. I heard it time and time again at Blissdom, “Oh wow, twins huh? Well, you’ll be busy…” and then a total loss of interest in pursuing talking with me about working with them. It bothers me but I get it too.

So who knows. I feel torn – part of me wants to keep applying for things and scream, “I CAN DO IT ALL!” and the other part wants to keep it on an even keel so I don’t have any extra stress when the babies are here.

In the meantime, the rejection still stings. And the writing and ideas I long to share in another arena get left unsaid. I won’t stop blogging here, but a new blog isn’t the answer. I don’t know what is, or if now is the time to try to find answer. Maybe just patience and some waiting are in store.