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Bittersweet

Mother’s Day.

Bella wakes me up with a grin and wanting to snuggle in bed under the big covers. “Make nest!” And we do. She laughs and pretends to sleep while keeping one eye on me. I study her little face and curls and think of how very blessed I am to have her.

On my mind is the fact that today would have been 21 weeks.

Since there is nothing that can change what happened, I try not to think about it. I reflect for a moment on my short hours with my boys and the fun I had being pregnant with two, but it still hurts more than brings joy right now so I can’t dwell on it long. I think about each of you that have shared your stories of loss with me. Hoping that today brings you some peace and not more pain or reminders. Maybe just for today.

My mom is here, has been for over 2 weeks helping with Bella and jumping in when I couldn’t do it yet. My dad is here for the weekend – drove down to spend time with us. Sam brings me breakfast in bed.

Mother’s Day is entirely different this year. I expect it is for anyone who has lost a child or a mother – you think of this day in a way you might never have before. i don’t know how else to put it than bittersweet.

Missing the life I thought I was going to get and thankful for the life I have.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.


Comments

  1. Lots of love and prayers for you – Happy Mother’s Day Diana

  2. Thought of you and your angel babies this morning. Hope you have a wonderful (even if it’s bittersweet) Mother’s Day with your Bella. <3

  3. Diana – I know that this is in no way comparable, but I’m suffering a miscarriage as I type. I was only 11 weeks when it started, but you described my feelings today perfectly: “Missing the life I thought I was going to get and thankful for the life I have.” Happy Mother’s Day to you…and thank you for making me feel less alone, even in your time of pain and need. Thank you.

    • ((hugs)) I’ll be thinking and praying for you today – and know that someone else out there does understand. Many of us do. And we all wish we could make it different.

    • I am so sorry you are having a miscarriage now. I had my 3rd D and C 2 weeks ago for my 9th pregnancy loss (the others happened naturally). Losing a baby I think is one of the most underestimated hurts a women can go through, People think because you never got to hold it that it shouldnt hurt that much, but it does. I hope you heal quickly!

  4. Happy Mothers Day! Yes, it is a different day for you, but it is still a day to reflect on mothers, which you are. Spend time loving on your daughter and reflecting on the love that you have for your boys.
    Praying for you, because I am sure that today is going to be difficult. Remember to smile and that you’ll see your boys again someday. They are being loved on by all the mothers already in heaven.

  5. Happy Mother’s Day. Bella is lucky to have such a strong Mommy! Thinking of you my friend! Hugs!

  6. Sending you hugs.

  7. Rebecca says:

    Ten years ago on my first mother’s day, I was in tears not knowing how long I’d have my precious little girl given her diagnosis. Three years later my first Mother’s Day without my little girl, we were on vacation, went out to a restaurant where they were handing every mother who came in a carnation. I looked at my husband and my mother-in-law in sadness saying am I still a mom? And was told with tears in their eyes yes, I am, I was, no matter how short a life is. I still remember tearing up and trying to hold it altogether. (As I’m doing now). But life no matter how long is a blessing. Little did I know that day that she had already planted the beginnings of a new life and now I sit here hear the chatter of my three girls as they play. Hugs to you today and everyday, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

  8. It is definitely a bittersweet day. Today I would have been 8weeks & 3days pregnant. Instead I’m still sore & recovering from having my right tube removed after it burst due to an ectopic pregnancy a week ago. I still randomly start crying, but like you, I’m trying not to dwell on it too long today. If you haven’t already heard it, look up the song “Trust In Me Now” by Anthony Edwards. It’s brought me comfort through all of this.

  9. Thinking of you today! (((Hugs)))

  10. I lost my mom & a baby, but cling to ALL I have and am grateful for especially today. ((Hugs to you Mama)) I think of you, your beautiful daughter,& husband and say a prayer daily that healing and God’s love will surround you and provide answers in His time. You are brave, strong, & I am touched by your willingness to share your story and your choice to grasp on to hope and not let your boy’s memory be one that is surrounded by sorrow! Happy Mother’s Day!

  11. Happy Mother’s Day to you. Thinking of you and your family and continuing to send prayers. xo

  12. Big Hugs to you today. Snuggle your precious girl tight!

  13. Sending thoughts and prayers your way today.

  14. Happy Mother’s Day, Diana. Sending hugs and love to you, and prayers for peace.

  15. Thinking of you and wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day.

  16. Hoping you have a peaceful and snuggly Mothers Day <3 Your boys would want that for you and Bella <3

  17. Just want you to know I think of you every single day, and pray for healing and comfort for your heart.

  18. Michelle says:

    Well said – I’ve lost pregnancies and my mom and while both were some time ago, the feelings are the same. Thank you for putting it in such fitting words. I think about you and your family every day, praying each day brings more comfort.

  19. Isaiah 48:15-16: β€œCan a woman forget her nursing child,
    that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
    Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
    Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands”

    As mothers who have lost babies, we can surely say this–how much more does our loving Creator say this about us! Just as our little ones, both on this earth and in heaven, are so precious to us, we are even more precious to God. May you be encouraged by this truth! With thoughts & prayers.

  20. Happy Mother’s Day! It’s OK to grieve. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are truly an inspiration to me this past week. Your boys have made a difference in many many ways. <3

  21. Happy Mother’s Day! I thought of you several times throughout the day, thinking of how hard today would be. And every time I thought of you, I prayed. You are loved!

  22. Jennifer says:

    Thinking of you and wishing you comfort and a happy Mother’s Day.

  23. Heather says:

    I miscarried today as well, it was a bittersweet day. I have a new empathy for moms who have lost their sweet babies.

  24. Kimberly says:

    I’m so humbled by your journey and those who have commented here. Thank you for sharing. I’m sending love to you. Love and hugs.

  25. Yesterday was bittersweet – it’s probably such a good term to use. Even though I have my 3 children around me, I still miss my other two fiercely even though I never met them. I think it’s okay to be sad on this day as long as we show those with us how much we love them. Thinking of you.

  26. happy mom day <3

  27. Hi Diana, I have just been told to read your blog by a friend who thought it might be comforting to me. As I was pregnant with twin boys, they were mcma twins and shared the same sack and placenta. I knew from the begining there would or might be complications, but i was very pro life and wanted to give them the best chance at life. Then about a month ago i lost the first boy and i was 18 weeks and 5 days. I was devastated and i all my excitement of being pregnant with two was yanked out of my hands so quickly. I was so upset, but knew i had to pull myself together and be happy that i still had one baby inside of me who needed me to be strong for him! So I put a smile on and tried my best to be happy for what i still had. Then 5 whole weeks went by and i was so happy that the second baby was doing so well! The doctors all said he had a better chance. Then i went a whole 36 hours without any movement and i was extreamly worried so my husband and i went into the hospital to have an ultrasound and i prayed for the best. The doctor then came in and was unable to find a heartbeat on our only surviving baby. All i wanted to do was fall asleep and wake up again hoping it wasnt true. But it was and i had to be induced three days later. I went through 5 hours of labor and i got to hold both of my boys. It broke my heart. All of my excitement and hopes and dreams for them were shattered all within a few days. The doctors told me that the cords must have tangled. now i miss being pregnant and i miss feeling the twins kick and move inside of me. I’m so sorry you lost yours also and i know how u feel. Its so difficult and reading your blog has helped. Thanks xoxo

  28. I hope there was peace in your day. I thought about you many times. xx oo