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When God Says No.

Yesterday was two weeks since I gave birth to our twin boys at 19 weeks and 4 days. After my water breaking. After nearly a week in the hospital holding onto any hope they might make it to 24 weeks. After dealing with the doctors who were upset we didn’t induce. After praying so hard all the time that God wouldn’t take them from me.

And he did.

I remember laying in that bed and sobbing while feeling them kick inside me, staring up at the ceiling with it’s horrid little lights for “birth” and while the tears rolled down my cheeks I begged God to spare my sons. To let me have them when they could survive. To give me a miracle and to show the doctors that He was bigger than their medicine.

But I had them anyway. They died anyway. 

I don’t know why. I don’t yet know the purpose behind all of this, although I pray at some point I will so I can find more peace with it. I struggle every day with wondering why God didn’t choose to intervene and perform a miracle – wouldn’t that have been more powerful than what I went through? Wouldn’t more people have been reached if they had made it?

But that was not the path God chose for any of us. As hard as it is to comprehend, God said no because this was His plan.

It wasn’t because we, or you, didn’t have enough faith. Or we didn’t pray hard enough. I don’t believe that the only way you get what you want in life is to pray harder or never consider another outcome – because God knows best. And sometimes best is the answer, “No.”

I don’t want to hear about how it might have been “no” because they might have had physical/mental problems – because we would have loved and cared for them regardless. Those comments are hurtful that God took our boys because of that and we should be thankful. They were MINE and I’m not ever going to think that way. I don’t need them to be perfect to love them.

I decided early on in this pregnancy to celebrate the life (and then lives) I was given, no matter what the timeframe they were put in. And in that hospital, I had a choice to make. If it didn’t go my way, if it all was gone, and I had to do it publicly with all of you reading and waiting as the hospital thing went viral and my Facebook page blew up, what would I choose? To, as Job’s wife so eloquently put it, “Curse God and die”? or to trust that no matter how unfair, how painful, or how wrong it all seemed that in it, there was a plan and God chose it for us all?

Sam asked me the day before the boys were born, “Do you feel like it’s all going to be ok? We’re going to 100% beat the odds?” And I remember saying, “No, I don’t feel like that. I don’t have that absolute certainty right now that they’ll be fine – but I do know whatever happens, it was meant to be that way, and we’ll be ok. That there is a purpose bigger than we can imagine – no matter the outcome.”

And then I had to back my words up a day later with my actions.

I hate this. I didn’t want this to ever happen. But it did and I have a choice every day. I try to remember to chose to trust that God hurts over this just as badly as I do, that he loved my sons even more than I did, that when I can barely breathe through my tears He is there.

It’s not easy and at times I feel angry and resentful – but I know there is a plan. Bigger than me or my anger or my doubts or even my faith. I am not doing this perfect, I fall and stumble and get upset and cry and grieve – and all of that is normal. Human. It’s the long run I’m looking at.

I refuse to curse God and die because I didn’t get my way. I want to be able to look back at this in years to come and see the blessing that came out of it, not the bitterness I had to hold on to.


Comments

  1. Miranda says:

    I really admire your strength through all of this. I cannot imagine the roller-coaster of emotions you go through each day. Bella is so lucky to have you as her Mommy, you have a great outlook on life. I wish you brighter days ahead.

  2. I am sitting here on my couch in the process of a miscarriage, and I am blinded by tears and pain. But this post, this was exactly what I needed. Thank you.

  3. I’m sure that words are inadequate comfort right now…so I will only offer you virtual hugs {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} and prayers of support. My heart goes out to you and your family. <3

  4. I don’t have the words of the thoughts to offer that would provide you with comfort, but please know that we are holding you and the babies in prayer and hope that you will continue to share your heart and tears. (((hugs))))

  5. wow. incredible blog. i love a good strength story. you’re a tough lady, obviously, and i have so much respect for you from reading this. i will be praying for you and your husband. thank you for sharing this with the world.

  6. megan c says:

    WOW. diana it has been amazing to read with you as you process this. To be blatant and honest and still faithful. Thank you for continuing to be faithful, even in the anger and doubt and all the other negative. God is a big god and he can handle all of that. thanks for reminding! Praying you have the strength to be present in the good moments with your sweet family and make more new memories as you guys continue living life. continued prayers that each day you see a bit more of how God is using this to touch lives and plant seeds that you may never know about.

  7. Kimberly says:

    I don’t know you personally…but after experiencing a miscarriage in January, I have been so blessed by your beautiful and eloquent posts. Thank you for being so authentic with us, your readers. I’ve also been reading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and it has been so helpful in my journey of loss and the life after…Your blo and that book have spoken to my soul like few other things. Thanks.

  8. Allyson says:

    This is so hard. SO hard. I want to scream at people who say ‘as long as it’s healthy’ … they’re not ready to be parents and face all the struggle, the possibility of losing that most precious thing that you carry.

    While I haven’t lost a child, I almost did. When my son was only 20 days old we were rushed to PICU with him not breathing. The whole time we were there (weeks) the nurses and Drs tried to make sure I knew how precarious we were, to not put too much hope into it. My family went insane and did hurtful things, we had him baptized, even though I don’t actually believe in infant baptism…. and we held on.

    So, I think today, what if we did lose him? What if he hadn’t survived? What if his intibation was the last memory I had of him? Fully sedated and looking like a medical model, not a baby… and that thought still paralyses me, honestly.

    BUT… following your story, hearing your strength and will, knowing you are moving on regardless of the pain… it lets me know that no matter what God throws my way (because I can think of NOTHING worse than losing one of my children) I will get through it.

    The one complete truth I’ve learned on my journey with God is that only He knows the full impact of what happens in our lives. Sometimes we’re put in painful, horrible, inconsiderable situations to be a lesson to someone else and we’ll never know the truth behind ‘why’. Sometimes it’s to temper us, like steel, into something stronger so that we can face the challenges he has set up for us later.

    Whatever the purpose, what matters now is the pain and how you’re dealing with it. I am amazed and humbled by your words. My petty grumblings mean nothing when I read them… I can only triple count my blessings and be thankful for them.

    I encourage you to seek professional support as your family goes through this… that has been an essential part of our healing. My rector has been amazing as has our family therapist (I have a daughter with autism who necessitates that) ….. every once in a while, even though it’s 2 and a half years later, I still find myself deep in the darkness of that moment and then I remember… I got through it, I WILL get through it, God will always be holding my hand, and holding me up, I need to trust Him and move forward, letting the hard times of my past inform the person I am now, but not overshadow her.

    I have so much love for you and your family and will keep lifting you up in prayer and reading what you write here. I stumbled across your FB when a friend passed it on and feel as though I know you and know that I love you, your husband and your children… all three of them. I cried when you lost your boys and will rejoice with you when your daughter reaches milestones and if you choose to have more babies.

    Much love, always
    ~Allyson

  9. Roxanne says:

    I love your honesty. God Bless you and your family.

  10. I am so sorry for your loss!! As I was reading your post so much of it rang true!! I lost my 21mth old son 16 years ago and I remember that day when the doc came to me and said your son has been 30 min with no oxygen to his brain and he will not b the Christian u know! I told her I did not care keep working on him dont stop!!! I did not care I just loved him and wanted him with me. I would have loved him and cared for him no matter what!! I have heard those comments how the Lord took him cause he never would have lived a normal life and I should b thankful and it dose hurt!! I will never b thankful he is no longer here but I am thankful that I know he is walking the golden streets in heaven and I will see him again!! U and your family will b in our prayers! My heart hurts for u! There is no pain like losing your children!! I heard something one time that made me smile as weird as it sounds! Parents that lose a child find a relationship with the Lord that so many dont ever get to experience. The Lord will walk u thru this!! Your faith is amazing!!!

  11. Jennifer Stein says:

    Truly beautiful and honest and bare and an amazing testimony to faith. Thank you. There are no words, but please remember, He gathers all your tears (Psalm 22:1) and hears your every sigh (Psalm 38:9).
    Blessings.

  12. melanie says:

    Everyone of us has a special purpose on earth. Some of us complete in just a few hours, like my two boys did, or your little angles, others take a lifetime. God is the only one who knows why, but I believe he’ll let us know when the time comes.
    It hurts, yes, I know. ( have been there twice), but you had a few special days with them, and you should keep them deep in your heart. And don’t listen to people telling you, that it was better, because they would have had problems. I take care of two special needs kids, and they are a blessing too. People are just mean.
    You are a very strong woman, and as you can see on your page, you are giving so many other women hope. God bless you, and keep you.

  13. I don’t know if this will help, and I certainly don’t want it to hurt. When things like this happen I often go back to what my pastor tells us. He says that the reason we were not translated immediately and taken to Heaven when we were saved is because God still has work for us to do. So when your boys, or anyone is taken, instead of going bonkers (which is VERY easy for me) I just put it in that perspective. In HIS eyes, their work was done. Their work was BIG. And you continue your work daily, inspiring others. I guess the reason we don’t all get called home at a ripe old age, in our sleep, is because of the brokenness of this world. Sometimes the work is very hard, and so many fall away.

  14. Diana, I’ve typed and deleted a dozen different things to say here. I wish I knew just what to say to ease even the slightest of your pain. Please know that your faith and strength is inspirational and that you and your family are in my warmest thoughts and prayers.

  15. I’m sending you all the love in my heart. I’m so sorry for your pain. :(

    As I was following along with your story, I kept thinking “gosh I’ve never heard of anyone going through something like this… spontaneous water rupturing….” Then about a week later my next door neighbor had the same thing happen with fraternal twin boys. Delivered at 27 weeks. One little boy made it 4 days and passed away, the other little guy is hanging in there, but with lots of roller coaster days and no guarantees.

    I’m praying for you and my neighbor and anyone who’s going through this. So much pain and so hard to understand :(

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

  16. I needed to read this for reasons today I wish were not happening to me, but I guess God is telling me No too! Your faith is inspiring and your willingness to explore all emotions that go with it and eloquently put them to words is touching lives. ((hugs))

  17. I wish I had words that could express my grief for you. I know there’s nothing compared to the pain of losing a child – my great grandmother was ravaged by Alzheimer’s, but one of the few memories was that of her son (who was stillborn). Thank the Lord, though, she didn’t remember that he wasn’t born alive though. You never forget your children – that is a bond nothing can break.

    Whenever tragedy strikes, and people question why such bad things can happen to good people – I remember that the is answer is the same as why good things happen to bad people – because things happen to people. Some are very good, and some very bad.

    I think, maybe, part of God’s plan was so that you could be a voice for those who’ve suffered a similar fate. Your tragedy allows you to offer solice to those who need it the most. I know you’d rather have your boys than be a voice of those who’ve lost their babies, but I suppose God knows better.

    Like Job, I know he will bring you and your family blessings for remaining faithful and vocal during thse times of struggle. I pray that you can find some comfort in that, and that the pain subsides to a dull ache in due time. And while your boys should be here on Earth with you, at least they will never suffer again or feel any pain. When you get to see them again, they’ll be as pure and innocent as possible.

  18. One twin mom to another I send hugs and understanding. But please know your story has changed my life in so many small ways. That may not help now but maybe someday… Your boys (re)taught me to love every inch of my kids!

  19. You are truly amazing in the way that you are handling this time in your life. I so admire you. I also wanted to say how much your saying that God loves your children even more than you do and is grieved by the loss as well means to me. I have been reminded of God’s love for my children many times in the past few months and it is such a hard thing to trust God with your children and their lives. Thanks for sharing this.

  20. You have such amazing strength, faith, courage and love despite what God puts you through.
    I hope this does not come across the wrong way. The closer I get to God, the more faith I put in Him, the more I hear his word on Sundays through my Pastor’s sermons, the closer I envelope myself in his Word daily, the one thing I have learned is that it seems like God tests those who are most intimate with Him. He knows their heart and what they can endure like Job. I admire you.

  21. Have faith sister and keep strong. i remember reading something about the ones that dont make it. i know the lord has an even bigger purpose for them. he is going to use them for greater things than we can ever imagine. i was so blessed to beclme pregnant woth my first after wanting babies my whole life, then losing him at 6-8 weeks wad the hardest thing and i still struggle with it. but i know the lord is going to use him. and now i have not one but 5 precious children.
    U r inspiring beyond words going through this. and i thank u.
    May god bless u above and beyond.

  22. I’ve never laid eyes on your blog until today.

    I read your post and I feel pain. Not your pain because yours is yours and mine is mine. I feel empathy. I am sorry God said, “no.”

    I’m mourning my human physiology class near-failure for a second time. Grumpy, isolating, self-pitying. Thank you for perspective; I need to get over myself.

    Three miscarriages, three sons. I offer up a prayer to God for you and your babies.

  23. I don’t know you, I don’t know your family, but I am so proud to be a reader of your blog. I’m so proud of you for these posts. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better … just know that I’m out here, thinking of you and your boys.

  24. “I try to remember to chose to trust that God hurts over this just as badly as I do, that he loved my sons even more than I did, that when I can barely breathe through my tears He is there.” So well put. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I look forward to hearing how God redeems this situation for you and all those who have been impacted by your great, great loss.

  25. punkinmama says:

    This is the most powerful post on faith during & after a crisis that I have ever read. My soul needed to read this & I will ponder it again & again.

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I pray that God will continue to wrap His arms around all of you.

  26. Oh my heart breaks for you & have been having you & your family in my prayers. We lost our Sweet Anjelique in 2006 to SIDS when she was 2 1/2 mths old. The night that my Anjie passed it was the night I felt our Lord’s Love or more like I acknowledged it even w/out knowing that it was. I always said sure I believe in God & knew he was there but to feel his love & the power of it never. My story is long & do not wish to burden you with it right now just know that with our Lord’s Love & all the prayers and love we are pouring over you & your family know we are uplifting you with prayers & I will continue to have you in my prayers.

  27. I’m almost 8 years out, from losing my boys. I feel like I can say honestly, God is good, and I’m okay. Sometimes I wish there was something more visible and redemptive from their short little lives… but I know I was changed. The way I see God, hurting people, life, changed. Everything fell into perspective, what really matters, what doesn’t. So I grew. But I’d rather have my babies.

    Your story is so familiar, and I hate that you’re going through it. Your sons matter, they will make a difference, even if it’s not the way anybody would have wanted it.

    continuing to pray for you and your family. <3

  28. I started reading your blog recently at the recommendation of a dear friend, who recently lost her son at 19 weeks. Your willingness to openly struggle with such a personal loss is such a source of comfort and encouragement to her.

    I’ve seen what God has done with the short life of her son. I’m already seeing what He’s doing with the short lives of yours.

    Thanks for sharing your faith, even when it’s painful.

  29. Your words are helping so many women. Thank you so much for all you are doing.

  30. I can’t find the right words for what I want to say to you. I’ve typed and erased a dozen times now.

    So I’ll just say, thank you for being honest. Thank you for writing. I think you are amazing.

  31. Barbie A says:

    Diana,
    I think you are amazing. God has been using you from the beginning to bring hope and strength to families who can’t seem to find any. Your faith in God is extraordinary. You are in my prayers.

  32. Keeping your faith is so important. We can’t get through these hard time without Him. God does say no, so many times and it is so hard to accept that. Thank you for sharing these updates, they are a lesson to me, even if you aren’t trying to teach anything.t

  33. Just thinking of you and sending your family love during this difficult time. Hugs!

  34. I am just so sorry and I just can imagine a piece of your pain but I have no idea what it can begin to feel like. I have identical twin boys who are five months old. I was terrified from the moment I found out who was in my stomach. I prayed so hard and so many times. I vowed to name one of my sons Samuel, which means God heard, if He would just let them be okay. I don’t know why I have my boys and you only had yours for such a fleeting time. I wish I could help you understand why He said no. I know your story has made me even more grateful, if that was possible. I think of you often although we have not met. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sad for you.

  35. Jennifer Schaefer says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. You are handling this with so much more grace than I did when our identical twin sons were stillborn at 24 weeks. Your faith is inspiring, and I thank you for sharing your grief so publicly. I pray that God blesses you and your family and that He redeems your tears soon.

  36. I wrote a post once about God saying no.

    We had gone through a barrage of what people kept referring to as “unanswered prayers” (miscarriages, unemployment, etc). I truly believe God answers EVERY SINGLE PERSON’S PRAYER.

    It’s just that sometimes he has to say no. Just like we do to our children, He does for us.

    But damn if “no” doesn’t hurt and suck.

    you are in my thoughts every day, girl.

  37. God is good and I take solace that in your time of mourning you choose to hold on to that fact.
    Praying for you.

  38. I needed this. Badly. I’m pretty sure He is saying no to something I’ve wanted and prayed for with every ounce of energy in me. If He does say no, it will hurt so terribly bad. But this post was a reminder. It’s what He wants. Not what I want. So thank you. And know Im praying for you constantly. You’re on my heart all the time.

  39. Danielle S says:

    I am so touched and encouraged by your will to hang on. I know from our own previous losses how difficult it is, my heart grieves for your precious losses. The biggest word the Lord has given me this year comes from the story of the man who was blind from birth, whom Jesus healed. Every situation, no matter how great or how terrible, it’s an opportunity for God’s glory to be revealed. His glory in your lives of faithfulness even thru this tragedy has and is continuing to touch so many others around you (physically and thru online networking). So many of us are grieving with you, and praying on your behalf, holding your arms up even when you feel the battle is lost. A touching song that has helped me cope is “I will carry you” by Selah.

  40. I think you are amazing. Your faith, your strength of mind, your incredible words that are so relevant. Thank you for being brave enough to share this journey with all of us.

  41. I have been following your story. Like so many others, I am in awe of your strength and your outlook and trust that this situation, though not as you wanted it to be, is exactly how it should be. I came across your blog a long time ago and remember really liking it. I have re-found you now that i have started blogging and that your story has touched so many. You are truly an inspiration. Bella is so lucky to have you as her mommy.

  42. Diana….I cannot tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your precious babies. I attend your parents church in Colorado and I just want you to know I feel your pain. I will continue to pray for you and Sam. I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you. I know God is giving you and Sam the strength you need at this time and that He will continue to do so. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    With much love,
    Dianne

  43. Jessica says:

    Diana,
    My heart breaks for you. I have been praying for you and I truly admire your courage and strength to share everything you have felt so publicly. Over the past 8 months I have been learning that God has a plan, but we are not privy to it. All I can say is that it’s his plan, not ours and we all must continue to have faith.

  44. I think you are amazing! I pray for you, Sam and Bella daily! May God shower you with His comfort!

  45. Wow God will surely bless you .. I got your blog from a girlfriend’s daughter and none of them know the Lord … I had 10 miscarriages and like you had twin miscarriages when I was 24 … I was in the hospital devastated but an elderly lady came into my room to ask me to borrow a chair because she was having her 90th birthday … she asked what was wrong and I told her and she said she had had many pregnancies and some came full term and others went home to be with Jesus early … I did not really understand what she was saying but and I was not walking with the LORD but it did bring me comfort … I had a little boy that was 4 then … that was all the children I was ever able to have but the LORD knew His plans for my life … YOU will be used mightily of the LORD for you testimony speaks of HIS love and grace …. His mercies are new every morning ……… Be encouraged today that you are right where the LORD wants you … Blessings in HIM

  46. Thanks for openly opening up your heart and letting us all know what you are feeling, Diana. I admire your honesty and your candidness. :) We’re all here alongside you.

    Jen :)

  47. you are seriously an amazing woman!!! I know my faith is strong.. but its weak compared to yours!!!

    Thank you for sharing your life, your story and especially your faith with us!!

  48. Hi Diane,

    I chose almost 20 years ago to not have children because of health reasons as well as my disabilities, so I can only imagine what you are going through,. Even so, I believe that we who don’t or can’t have children are mothers too, and we too have sorrows.

    My first comment is that Satan is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the testimony of our lips. This is your testimony, and God knows your heart; it’s a big one.

    Secondly, and this ties back into what I said in the first paragraph, I was given a prayer burden to pray for a young boy who had cancer back in the early 2000’s. When he died, my heart broke, just as I’m sure yours is breaking right now. Remember that Jesus is picking up the shards and putting you back together. Also, my pastor told me that children reach their full potential in heaven. Your boys will be all they are meant to be in heaven, and I believe you will meet them there when the time comes.

    God bless you, and keep your eyes on Jesus.

    Michelle

  49. I can barely even begin to imagine what you are going through and please know that I am praying for you. The closest I have come to your situation is my brother passing away at 6 months of age due to cot death. You mention that you thought you would reach more people if your boys had survived and while this may be true and please don’t get me wrong on this, I feel like God is using you to show what happens when we are human and we trust in Him. By saying that you know there is a plan behind the pain even if you don’t know what it is you are giving others hope that there is a plan behind their pain too and that it is possible to go on with God by your side and that He does care, no matter what it might feel like at the time. And you are also showing others that yes we may stumble in our faith but that that is normal and nothing to be ashamed over. Just got this impression while I was reading this entry. Blessings and prayers to you now and always.

  50. I found your blog when everything went viral and clung to your story hoping for you. I lost my son at 38 weeks pregnant about a year an a half ago. It’s the hardest thing in the whole world, as you know. I love reading your blog, I felt all the same things you do and it makes me feel good that I am not alone. I got through it, somehow, and am so blessed now… BUT I don’t know how to believe in God anymore. Even though I’m not an overtly religious person, most people didn’t even know I believed in God, but I became so so angry at him for everything I went through. Then all of a sudden realized one day that I wasn’t sure he was real anymore. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, I think… I think I’m trying to say don’t give up on Him like I did.

  51. my husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and I’m faced with the reality that it may be really hard in the future to have kids, and it’s breaking my heart because I desire a family so much.
    Compared to the loss you are facing, my pain is little, but I wanted to say that I can empathize in a tiny way with your sorrow over what could have been. I pray God gives you beauty for ashes each day as you try to rebuild your heart.

  52. I have been reading and praying, but for some reason it wouldn’t give me a comment box before now. I will be adding your post to my blog. My heart aches for you in your loss.

  53. It’s been nearly five years since we received our own “No.” It does get easier, but it is not something that we “get over.” I miss Katie every single day, and believe that I always will. She inspires much of what I do, and she taught me some of life’s most important lessons. I pray that your pain will lessen, and that you will have good company to encourage you to grieve in whatever way feels genuine to you – including feelings of anger. May God bless you and your family, may He comfort your hearts each day.

  54. WOW! Ive got chills, I mean really what are the odds?! Thinking of your family often, hope the adoption process goes smoothly!

  55. You are an amazing woman. Like no other I’ve ever seen. You are inspirational & an example of the faith & trust in God that He expects from us. You make my faith stronger. Reading your words after you’ve been through the worst kind of hell on earth is nothing short of incredible. I truly believe that the purpose in God bringing you through this is to use you as a guide, a messenger & a leader for others in their greatest times of need. My soul has been touched & changed through reading your story, & I feel closer to God as I think of & pray for you & your family. May God bless you, your husband & Bella as He continues to bring you through your worst nightmare. You’re a blessing to all of us looking in from the outside. -Bailey De Almeida

  56. You are an amazing woman and Your faith an inspiration. I may not know you but I’ll be saying prayers that His peace always surround you. Thank you for being a real person and honest on your blog.

  57. Thank you for ministering to me. I’m very sorry for your loss. I can relate. God bless you.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] I’ve almost everyday about the post I wrote “When God Says No,” because it’s hard to comprehend why we were told no in having Preston and Julian [...]

  2. [...] day. I spoke at it, I don’t recall much of what I said but I tried to reiterate my “When God Says No” post. And to try to explain that no matter what the state or government says about them, [...]