Just Listen.

Last night, I sat on the phone with Kim. I’ve only met her twice in my whole life – but she is my rock. We might live 2000 miles apart but it doesn’t matter. She gets me. So she told me to call because she knew something was wrong from our texts. So I did.

And I cried.

And cried.

And cried.

I got angry, sad, and rambled on about everything for almost an hour. I vented and told her how unfair this all was, and how lost I felt, and how some days are better and worse than others. I told her how I felt like I should be all better by now, and how stupid that kind of thinking was but I couldn’t get past it. How the shock of what happened and how my whole life changed SO many times the past 6 months still seems incomprehensible.

And she listened, and cried with me. She said that one day, she’d love to see the few pictures I have of Preston and Julian. That I had every right to not be “all better.” And that she still cried over what happened to my babies.

She understood, she remembered, she listened. That was all I needed.


Comments

  1. You don’t need to be all better yet. I haven’t gone through anything similar to the trials you have, but I have experienced miscarriages, and the loss will always be on my heart. Give yourself the grace to grieve.

  2. :)

  3. For the record, my smile is because you have her who is so understanding and thoughtful and is a great friend to you. We all need people like that in our lives, even 2000 miles apart.

  4. Even going through something so similar, it’s hard to find words to comfort you. I’m taken back to the pain just reading your words and my heart is breaking for you. It took me almost a year to stop crying myself to sleep at night. I was so up and down, I would smile when everyone was around, trying to show them that I was ok. Give yourself however long YOU need. There is no date on when it’s time to stop greiving and move on. Only you will know when the right time is. I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. We are praying for you and your family!

    Hugs
    Nikki

  5. She sounds like a great friend.

  6. Ashley Gurski says:

    This probably doesn’t mean as much coming from me (someone you don’t know at all) but I still cry over what happened to your babies too. Sometimes at night when I’m rocking my son, I look at his sweet, sleeping face and my mind wanders to you and I ache for the emptiness I know you must feel. I’ve lost two to miscarriage (which I know is totally and completely different than what you’ve been through) but I understand that feeling of sadness, anger, longing, emptiness, etc. I’ve only been touched by loss, so I can’t imagine being completely rocked by it as you have. My heart is literally so heavy for you at times that it physically hurts. Which may seem weird since I don’t know you, but I guess the bond between mothers doesn’t rely on an actual relationship. Kim is right, you have every right to not feel better. I imagine you’ll never feel all the way better. Just remember you’re not alone in this and hopefully it will hurt less as time goes on. Hugs!

  7. Like Ashley said above, I still cry for your loss as well and my heart is heavy. No one expects youto be all better, no one expects there to be rainbows and sunshine sprouting from your soul right now. There’s just no way you could be ready yet, and I don’t blame you. Thank goodness for friends, for those people who are our rocks, even if they live 2000 miles away and you’ve only spoken twice. Thank God for them.

    Continuing to pray for you mama.

  8. Angela (@MommyMomentMom) says:

    I cry for your loss :( It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t think it’s fair, so you for SURE have a right to feel that way.
    I am SO thankful that you have such a great friend who listens to you and cries with you.
    You are in my thoughts & prayers often.

  9. Its okay to be sad, and years later you may still get sad and that’s perfectly normal. Dallas was born at 5 month (sleeping) he was just a couple weeks shy of medical intervention. Dallas would have been 3 november 1st. Instead he will be celebrateing his 3rd birthday in heaven. Everyone greives in a differnt way my husband still has days he crys and gets angery. We have pictures on the wall of daddy holding him.
    Everyone needs someone even though they are miles away. Dallas was not my son biologicaly, but I had listened to updates, shared in the hurt. I geieved also at the loss of a little boy I had grown to love since his mama was newly pregnant. And when his daddy shut down and cut off the world, I called even though my phone calls went un answeared to say I was still there and still loved him. My point of telling you this is, its okay to be angery, sad, or whatever you are feeling, friends can be miles way or next door, strangers, or people you know, friends to listen to you hurt, and friends to remind you to celebrate those tiny foot prints who may have only been in the world awhile, but left a huge impact on not only your lives, but the lives of others.

  10. Those are the best kind of friends to have. Sounds like you guys are lucky to have each other :)

  11. Hugs to you. You are allowed to be sad.

  12. Of all the parents I have known, I have never known one to ever “get over it.” Though they learn to move on and it eventually gets easier, even decades later, I have seen elderly women cry when they recall and think about their child.

  13. I feel for you, and like others here, I cry every time I think about you and your babies.

    Give your self all the time and space you need. Heck, if a complete stranger is crying for you, you deserve to shed some tears yourself.

    Be kind to yourself.

  14. Im a mom to fraternal twin girls Ive been following your blog from the begining when my twin group posted your blog, Ive ranted and raved over the hospital care for you and praised when they changed their ways. I cried when the news was spread about your sweet boys. The thing is those were your babies your precious lil boys. You have every right to cry and rant and be angry and to not be alright. A lot of time hasnt passed yet and I dont think youll ever get over the hurt. Theres nothing wrong with shedding tears your human and a mother who had the worst possiable tragedy happen to you. You have an amazing friend and sometimes all you need is for someone to listen to you. Your story hits a spot in my heart and ive cried with you reading your blogs. Your an amazing person and a wonderful mommy. Just remember that your human as well and are alowed to have emotions and to show your emotions.

  15. Your story has changed how I tend to my first born son. Instead of losing my patience in a flustered moment of his cries, the dog barking, and the oven timer going off- I am instantly thankful to have this beautiful baby and the chaos. Your story has reached so many women and we feel your pain and anguish. Much love to you and the boys.

  16. It breaks my heart every day to imagine what you’re going through, and after 3 early pregnancy losses, I have an idea of the pain, but only you know what you’re going through (and good job sharing when you need to). When I pack up and ship off all my 4 year old’s baby clothes this weekend, I’ll probably cry the whole time. Lots for you and everyone else who’s lost a baby or a child, and some for me and my little family of three that won’t be a family of four any time soon. I have no intention of hurrying my grief and you shouldn’t hurry it either. A new normal will find you all in time. I have absolute faith it will be there when the time is right.

  17. i didn’t read through all the comments, but i’m sure its been said more than once: you absolutely have every right to not be all better. i only found your blog in April but i’ve got 7-month olds and my eyes still well up with tears and my heart aches for you when i think about your little boys. i’m glad you have such wonderful friends who can support you – even from miles away.

  18. Friends like this are rare. The ones who will just listen.

    I’m glad you found comfort in this, though! You deserve it!

  19. I think “all better” is an unattainable goal we set on ourselves.

    You lost your sons. That will never be Ok.

    But you grieving them will be Ok forever.

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