Peace in the Sorrow

This week was the week I’d dreaded since losing the boys.

It was my postpartum appointment.

And as Monday approached, I got more and more nervous to go back to the clinic I’d only been to pregnant. From the first appointment to finding out it was twins – it was all in that office.

I took Bella and after an hour and 15 minutes in the waiting room and an additional 20 in their office (thank you Curious George on Netflix for iPhone), the Dr finally was able to see me. It was the same one (mine) who was there the night the boys were born.Β 

So she explained to me that nothing was wrong with them, or me, and sometimes this just happens. No reason, no explanation. Nothing. I burst into tears at this news because I had been preparing myself for Twin to Twin, or a genetic problem, or something.

But there wasn’t. Not to me, not to them.

And I left that day very upset. I felt like everything was still a big huge mess. Only there wasn’t any way to fix it now.

Then I came home and thought it over for a while. The further I got into this week, the more something settled on me.

I had some peace. I could let go of a lot go the guilt I felt about their deaths – not all – but a lot. The guilt that has woken me up at night in a panic wondering if the ultrasounds hurt them with no fluid, if they were sick, if they were in pain. If they suffered. The dreams where I would find out that what I had let the nurses or Dr’s do to me killed them.

That wasn’t the case. And so in this knowledge, I have peace.

This week has made me think deeply about what I believe, there are times God feels so very far away from me. I’ve started to simply bow my head or stop myself and pray, “I can’t do this right now Lord, I need you to help me.” So even in my tears or anger over what happened, I have started to feel Him and his pain for our loss.

I know that He wanted me to see a different side of what I initially felt with the “they were perfect” result. I felt lost and angry, but when I prayed about it I realized that I actually found the peace and some closure I needed, the ability to let go of it a little more.

As time passes and my heart mends but is still raw, as I begin to have triggers but also am finding how to find comfort during, as we find a new path in our lives, I find Jesus was here all along at my side. He was simply waiting for me to ask him to help carry the stress, the heartache, the pain.

And I gladly hand it over to someone who loves my sons and weeps over my loss as much as I do.

Comments

  1. I β™₯ you.

  2. “I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Ps. 121:1-2

    Praying for you today.

  3. Beautifully written. Thinking of you and your boys and praying for more peace to come.

  4. A good friend of mine recently told me that she doesn’t believe the saying that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. She said that she DOES believe that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle…because it’s then that we turn to Him and give over our problems to Him so that we can truly know that He is there for us.

    I’m not going through anything like what you are dealing with…but life hasn’t been easy here either. Actually…it’s been a little like Hell on Earth. It was when I was crying to my friend that God must have me confused with someone else because I can’t handle all of this that she told me that. It really resonated.

    Also, I have a very dear friend who lost her daughter at 27 weeks. My friend posted recently that while she is healing, she has realized that there will always be a hole in her heart for her little girl. She will go one, she will fill her heart with new memories and new loves…but there will always be a little hole left for her baby girl. That also made sense to me.

    I hope my comments helped…mostly I hope they didn’t make things harder. Like I said, I am not living in the Hell that you must be feeling right now. But I care, I’ve been watching your story and I’ve been praying for you.

    Take care…and know that your story touched many people’s lives and that your story helped get a message out there to so many people that otherwise never would have known. Your babies…your birth…no matter what. God be with you…you are in my prayers.

    • This made so much sense to me – I’ve often wondered about this being something I could handle “all on my own” and I’ve realized there are things about it I simply can’t. And in those times Jesus needs to take them for me.

      Thank you for writing this to me.

      • I’m glad it helped. After I posted this to you I received the sad news that my uncle had passed away. After the week I’ve had…I really had to stop and remember the words I posted to you and use them on myself. I think I’ll be listening to “Jesus Take The Wheel” a lot this week as we prepare for the funeral.

        But my thoughts and prayers are still with you and your family as you travel this journey. Take care of you.

  5. You can always bring me to tears. Glad to here some of the guilt has been lifted. Continuing to pray for you sweet mama.

  6. Jesus wept.

  7. My aunt died in a car accident in at 19 or 20 years of age. I don’t remember her because I was just over a year old. But my grandmother talks about her willingly and lovingly. Recently, my grandmother told me about something that happened shortly after the funeral. She was home alone looking at pictures of my aunt. She said she was in a bad place, just overcome with grief. She got down on her knees and said to God something like, “You said you would send the Holy Spirit to be with us. I need it now. I don’t know how I can do this and I really need your help.” After that, she said she felt a wave come over her and she felt peace. It didn’t take away the grief and almost 30 years later I know she still aches every day for her daughter, but I think that was a turning point for her in the process of adjusting to this new way of living. Diana, I hope if you haven’t already felt a wave of peace and love come over you, that you’ll feel it soon. I’m continuing to pray for you.

    • Right after you wrote this – maybe an hour later – something happened that I’ll share this week that brought that peace. And as it hit me I remembered your comment. Amazing.

  8. This is beautiful.

    I love you and I love your heart.

  9. I wish I could give you a hug. Your faith astounds me and motivates me.

  10. Many years ago, I lost my twins. How each of us deals with the loss is very personal. Leaning on God is a great way to start the healing. After reading Heaven is For Real, I know I will meet them one day. May God continue to comfort you, Sam and Bella. I pray that you continue to have moments of peace and that those moments last longer as time goes on. Blessings!

    • I love how you said that each of us deals with loss in a personal way. Sometimes I feel bad for putting it all so publicly, but then when I think of the outreach and community I found because of it – that I would have gone through this journey almost alone otherwise – it’s worth it.

  11. It’s lovely to read that you’ve found peace.

    And I can see a little bit of the healing showing in the way you’re writing. Maybe I’m only seeing it because it’s what I hope for- but I really do wish only the best for you.

    Continued amounts of peace, and joy, and rest to you! (:

  12. Jessica says:

    So glad you are finding a little more peace and strength every day.

  13. Praying for you to find peace as this journey continues.

  14. Hi,

    I just saw something on another blog and brought your blog up. I am in tears for you sweet girl as I read this post. I feel so sad for your loss, but I know that your heart and mind are in the right place, putting your trust in Jesus. Jesus will never fail you. The more trials you go through, with the right attitude, the easier the trials will be as you grow older and new problems come your way. Take heart, your little boys are waiting for you to love on them when you get to heaven. God loves you so much. Love Him and he will comfort you.

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