This week was the week I’d dreaded since losing the boys.
It was my postpartum appointment.
And as Monday approached, I got more and more nervous to go back to the clinic I’d only been to pregnant. From the first appointment to finding out it was twins – it was all in that office.
I took Bella and after an hour and 15 minutes in the waiting room and an additional 20 in their office (thank you Curious George on Netflix for iPhone), the Dr finally was able to see me. It was the same one (mine) who was there the night the boys were born.
So she explained to me that nothing was wrong with them, or me, and sometimes this just happens. No reason, no explanation. Nothing. I burst into tears at this news because I had been preparing myself for Twin to Twin, or a genetic problem, or something.
But there wasn’t. Not to me, not to them.
And I left that day very upset. I felt like everything was still a big huge mess. Only there wasn’t any way to fix it now.
Then I came home and thought it over for a while. The further I got into this week, the more something settled on me.
I had some peace. I could let go of a lot go the guilt I felt about their deaths – not all – but a lot. The guilt that has woken me up at night in a panic wondering if the ultrasounds hurt them with no fluid, if they were sick, if they were in pain. If they suffered. The dreams where I would find out that what I had let the nurses or Dr’s do to me killed them.
That wasn’t the case. And so in this knowledge, I have peace.
This week has made me think deeply about what I believe, there are times God feels so very far away from me. I’ve started to simply bow my head or stop myself and pray, “I can’t do this right now Lord, I need you to help me.” So even in my tears or anger over what happened, I have started to feel Him and his pain for our loss.
I know that He wanted me to see a different side of what I initially felt with the “they were perfect” result. I felt lost and angry, but when I prayed about it I realized that I actually found the peace and some closure I needed, the ability to let go of it a little more.
As time passes and my heart mends but is still raw, as I begin to have triggers but also am finding how to find comfort during, as we find a new path in our lives, I find Jesus was here all along at my side. He was simply waiting for me to ask him to help carry the stress, the heartache, the pain.
And I gladly hand it over to someone who loves my sons and weeps over my loss as much as I do.