Preston and Julian’s Birth Story

I’m going to tell you right now – this will be a hard read. It isn’t pretty. But I wrote Bella’s birth story, and just because Preston and Julian were early, or because it wasn’t at 30 odd weeks, doesn’t mean it wasn’t their birthday. I had to write this because until I do, it will eat away at me every day. Tonight it pulled at me so hard I had to sit and write it, no matter how painful. I don’t know if anyone will understand that, I had to write it. It’s ok if you don’t read it. 

Wednesday May 2nd was another day at the hospital. Every time I moved I leaked amniotic fluid a little. That morning it had slowed and I told the MFM in hopes we would see a miracle. He wheeled the ultrasound machine in immediately, and for the first time in a week I saw them.

Yeah, it looks really different when there is no fluid. Just a little pocket around their faces. Their tiny heads so close together. We saw strong heartbeats. It was so hard to watch, so hard to lay there and wonder if they were in pain or suffering. I remember it being unbearable to think about. He printed off a picture and gave it to me. I had no idea it would be the last one of them.

That day was uneventful. We had my inlaws come visit, my mom was still there and decided to stay the night instead of Sam so Bella could be with him and he could have a good nights sleep. I remember around 11 being in a lot of pain. My favorite nurse and my own doctor were on shift that night, they checked and hooked me up to a monitor, but no one saw any contractions. I remember thinking how the pain came in waves – like contractions with Bella but different. They were really, really painful.

No one seemed to know what was going on, and they couldn’t check me for fear of infection since my membranes were ruptured, so we took our best guess that I needed to use the restroom soon.

I fell asleep.

At 3am, I woke to the most excruciating pain – I couldn’t even breathe. I thought I needed to use the restroom, and so I pushed the call button for the nurse and she helped me in. I told my mom not to worry about it, to just rest and I’d be right back.

I remember sitting there, trying not to push because everyone had said, “Don’t push!” So I just sat but felt like I needed to push. Really needed.

And I looked down, and they were there. I remember standing up and catching them in my hands and just screaming in a voice that seemed to be completely disconnected from me. I had no idea what had happened, none, I was so shocked, and I looked down and Preston was moving. He was moving still. My mom came running in and I remember her screaming and putting her hands over her mouth, and then calling for the nurse. They guided me to the bed and I shook so hard, I had no thoughts. None. Just complete shock.

I laid there and they laid them on my stomach. I knew Julian was gone, he was already gone and I never got to see him alive. Preston was still alive and I was so fearful of hurting him that when the attending asked if I wanted him on my chest I cried out, “No, no, leave him alone!” He fit into my hand and I marveled at him, even through the shock. He was so perfect. So tiny. His little hand gripped my finger as I tried to comprehend what was happening.

My mom had them baptized, and my doctor was there. She was so kind to me – she’d been with me since week 9 when we found out it was twins. I looked up at her face with tears in her eyes, and told her over and over, “I didn’t push, oh, I didn’t push, I promise. I’m so sorry.” And she shook her head and said, “It’s not your fault.” I talked with Sam, I don’t remember who called him, and told him to come quick. His voice broke on the phone as he said, “It’s over? It’s really over? They’re gone?” And he cried and I told him it was ok, he needed to bring Bella and he had to be careful.

I asked everyone to leave for a minute so I could be alone with them. I told them how very much I loved them, that I was their Mama and always would be. That one day I would see them again. That I was so, so sorry I hadn’t been able to carry them longer and how much I would miss them here on earth.

There was nothing they could do. The nurse heated up little washcloths and laid them over Preston to keep him warm. He moved and his little face screwed up and his mouth open and closed. He made little noises. We cut the cord on Julian and laid him on me. Sam got there and held him.

I finally asked if cutting the cord on Preston would mean he would go quicker. My doctor said yes, and I was so terrified he was in pain I told her to cut. All I wanted was for him to be in peace. She cut it and laid him on my chest, where I could feel him try to breathe. Sam sat next to me and we held hands and cried. I remember saying to him, “Remind me when this is all over and I start to feel so guilty about it all – how peaceful and perfect their moments here on earth were.” He called his mom and grandpa and told them what had happened and to come when they could. My mom was in the other room with Bella.

I waited for Preston to go while my hand was on him. Finally his little body stopped moving and he grew cold quickly. They weighed them both and gave them to me to kiss one last time. Their little bodies and faces are imprinted in my mind. I whispered to them both that I loved them, and they were wheeled away.

Later on we were brought their hand and footprints. The hospital took pictures of them for us as well. We had taken some of our own.

At first it was like everything was a dream. I felt like I was ok with it all, a deep peace had settled in on me when they laid me on the bed with them.

After they were gone, I felt guilt and deep sadness and almost a terror of them still being alive and being taken away from me without me knowing.

Then, because that wasn’t enough pain, the placenta wouldn’t come out and I ended up being induced with no epidural to get it out. It took about 4 hours. They didn’t want to do a D&C because I’d been through so much already. It was so painful and awful, I lost a ton of blood and I remember begging them to give me something, anything. They couldn’t give me much. I passed out in between pushes and contractions and when it finally came out I fell asleep for hours.

I woke up and Sam was there. I felt this overpowering urge to write about them, to hold those peaceful moments in time forever on something I could never forget. I bawled writing it, just like I’m sobbing writing this, but after it was done I felt a huge sense of relief. I’d blogged beginning to end with them, and never missed a milestone of their lives.

I miss them so much. So much. It’s so unfair. I wanted them to be here so bad, I feel every emotion still when it comes to thinking about their short lives. I almost can’t breathe through the tears writing this because it’s still so raw and painful to relive, but before I forgot anymore, it needed to be written.

I am so sad and I would give anything to have them back with me. My life is filled with wonderful moments, the hope of adoption, and so many blessings, yet there isn’t an hour of the day that I don’t think of the two little boys I held in my arms for a few hours. I will ache for them forever.


Comments

  1. You are so strong. I am so sorry.

  2. Sobbing too. Darling D. Once again your strength astounds me. Those sweet angels will be with you always but I am so sorry that this was your journey and theirs. Such a rough road, but your faith and love are surrounding you with love. As am I.

  3. Kelly Kelly says:

    Simply beautiful. I can’t wait to me your boys some day too.
    They know how awesome their mom is and may gentle breezes
    Always feel like they are sending you kisses :)

  4. I’ve got no words for you…just an endless stream of hugs, love and prayers. Thank you for sharing this with us <3

  5. Michelle says:

    I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I have been following your blog for a few months but have never left a note. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Your advocacy for the rights of your choice with the boys is inspiring. I hope that one day we as a culture start recognizing life sooner. Again, thank you.

  6. I know how much that hurt to write this. I have nothing but love to give you through my tears. You are brave and strong. Everything inside me hurts for you but I want to thank you for sharing this. Lots of love hugs and prayers for you.

  7. I am sobbing and hurting for you. You are so strong and brave to even write this. May angels protect precious Preston and Julian and may God always bless you and help you mend this hole in your heart.

  8. Im so sorry- Thinking of you

  9. sending love and healing your way. words can’t describe my sadness for you, but thank you for writing this. it must have been so hard, but i understand you had to do it. you’re so strong, God bless you and your family, and little Julian and Preston. They are in heaven waiting for you, I know it.

  10. I often think of you when I hold my almost 11 month old son. The day of his birth is still vivid in my memory so as I read this I just sobbed for you unable to imagine the pain and sorrow! My thoughts and prayers are with you each time I think of you and your family as you continue to move forward with out your little guys with you here. May God continue to grant you His perfect comfort in those times as you look towards the day you will be reunited with them in Glory! hugs to you and yours.

  11. Oh Diana… i weep reading this love story of your beautiful boys. You fought hard, mama, and now your dear boys play on streets of gold.

    I am so deeply sorry, and though I am a complete stranger to you, you are not a stranger to me and I am proud of the grace you show. God is using your tragedy to minister hope to many – hope of the peace that makes no sense and passes all understanding, hope of a better life after this one, that clinging to Him and His hope is never foolish.

    All that I want to tell you sounds like drivel as you grieve, so I simply say thank you for sharing your journey with us.

  12. My heart is aching and I’m crying for/with you. What an incredibly rough ride this has been. Thank you for being so open and sharing it with all of us. Much love and good thoughts to you and your family.

  13. My heart aches for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  14. Dear Diana,

    Words wont assuage your feelimgs right now.
    All that I can say is, they are in peace. Have faith that all will be well.

    Love,
    Purnima.

  15. I have prayed often for you and will continue to do so. Thank you for sharing their story.

  16. I am proud of you for having the strength to write this. I wish no woman had to experience this. Your babies will always live in your heart, and keep you strong. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  17. Melissa Burns says:

    I don’t know you personally but have followed you and your story. What a remarkable lady you are and lovely family you have! If hugs can travel over time and distance, know that mine are coming your way (and have been for quite a while). I don’t feel like a stranger and I hope to learn more of your story as time marches on……always remembering the two angels that graced your life. Godspeed and best wishes!
    Melissa

  18. Melissa N says:

    I just want to thank you for having the courage to write this. I try so hard to ask God to give me strength to read this. Then my sobbing are with you, we all wish you had them with you too! My heart still breaks for you. My only thing to do is pray to God for comfort for you. Thank you for letting us have this most precious thing of making your life so public with people you barely know. God bless you!

  19. You are an amazing mother. I am so sorry.

    I’m so glad you wrote this.

  20. Diana,
    You are one of the strongest women I think I’ve ever seen. As heartbreaking as it may have been to read this, I’m so glad you shared it with us. I followed you through your hospitalization, and I cried for you when you lost Preston and Julian, just as I cried for you tonight. I’m rooting for you in your adoption journey. Your precious angel babies will be smiling down on you as you welcome their brother or sister, I’m sure of it. <3

  21. You are so strong, so amazing. I’m in awe of your courage & have so much love for you, your family, Preston & Julian always.

  22. Oh my heart is aching for you. God bless you and your family. Sending lots of love and prayers your way. Thank you for sharing.

  23. I am so very sorry Diana. I wish there was some way to ease your pain. Those beautiful angels have the best mom. Hugs to your whole family.

  24. That was beautifully written, just like every post you write. My heart aches for you, Sam, and Bella! Prayers for you all. (((hugs)))

  25. Lots of love to you.

  26. Thank you for sharing their birth story. Much love to you and your sweet boys.

    (((hugs)))

  27. I don’t even know what to say, dear. Except that your story touched me deeply. And you’re right, it was a hard story to read, but I am glad you shared it. I can’t imagine, and even if I could, I know I wouldn’t truly understand. May God be with you and yours today in a very special way.

  28. Thank you so much for sharing that. It was hard to read, but no where near as hard as it was for you to say goodbye. Many blessings.

  29. There are no words…just know I have all five of you in my thoughts often. <3

  30. I love you & completely understand why you wrote this.

  31. Martine says:

    Thank your for sharing your story. You are so brave and so incredibly strong. I am so sorry for your loss.

  32. I am so sorry and my heart aches with you everyday. I think of how lucky I am to have Levi, but my heart still aches for his twin. I named him Logan. Every time I think of him which is well every time I look at Levi, I think of Preston, Julian & you. I know I have been silent, but I just wanted to let you know you will forever have a place in my heart & so do Preston & Julian.

  33. All I can say is I am so so sorry and that my hearts aches for you. I can’t imagine the gaping hole you feel. Someone once told me that the more deeply we experience sorrow, the more deeply we are able to experience joy. I pray that comes as a sweet relief to you before long. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story.

  34. Kathrine says:

    No one should ever have to experience what you have. Always remember how strong you are and as hard as it is to fathom that everything happens for a reason. My blessings and prayers are with you and your family.

  35. Hi, I came across your story from Morgan’s blog (the818). I am heartbroken for you. I wrote this song for my aunt and my friend who experienced miscarriages. I hope it brings you some peace. No mommy should ever have to go what you went through, but God will use it to make you stronger and someday you’ll be able to help someone survive as well. God is your strength. Don’t worry if you have hard days, He’ll take care of it <3

  36. Oh, Mama. I totally get why you had to write this and I’m so glad you did. We can all know a tiny piece of your sweet boys now.

  37. I just am hurting so terribly for you. my heart aches so badly. There’s an unspoken bond between mother’s and also military wives. From hundreds and thousands of miles away words are not even needed. Your story will bless so many lives I just know it.

  38. Angela (@MommyMomentMom) says:

    OH honey. I’m crying as I read this.
    I cannot imagine the pain and fear you were feeling.
    World cannot express how strong and brave you are.
    Prayers.

  39. melissa says:

    I don’t want to imagine living through what you all have endured. And that doctor was right. It wasn’t your fault, none of it was. Julian’s first experience was waking up in heaven and in peace and Preston hung back to love on his mama who fought so hard for them. It’s a horrific reality you were dealt, but those babies are happy and thry want you guys to be happy too. Praying still every.single.day. <3

  40. Andrea Townsley says:

    My heart aches for you. I can’t even piece together anything that conveys how I feel after reading this. Your baby boys are with the Lord and I hope that at least offers some kind of solace for you and your family. This is not anything you had control over and you fought so hard and so did they. You are in my thoughts and prayers for healing, you can heal but the memory of Preston and Julian will live on in your heart. May God give you strength.

  41. Thank you for sharing your boys’ story with us. There is no way I can phantom the pain that you and your family are feeling still, even being through a similar situation, but I pray that God brings you a peace and love beyond human understanding.

  42. I have no words, other than I’m so, so sorry…and really, that doesn’t seem to cut it at all.

  43. I have read so many blogs where a treasured baby has been lost and my heart has ached because I knew they did not have the comfort you have, that you will be reunited with your boys in heaven. That is the worst…that they don’t know or have rejected God so they don’t know that God loves them mad that He doesn’t lose any babies. It has been my wish to reach out with this hope to them but the one time I did, cautiously, I was rejected. Maybe in searching out comfort from those who have suffered similarly these women will run across your blog…maybe you are the seed planter. Maybe you are the seed waterer…maybe your experience will draw them to God. It is my hope and prayer anyway.

  44. Not “mad”—should have read “and”.

  45. I have opened this post more times than I can count so I could find some wonderful words of encouragement for you.

    But I have nothing except huge amounts of love in my heart…and that love is wordless. It’s just there.

  46. I don’t really know what to say here, because nothing I say can change what happened to you. All I can really say is that I am praying for your family, and for you, that the Holy Spirit will bring you comfort. God bless you all.

  47. Oh Diana, I can barely see the screen. Saying more prayers for you and your beautiful family. May you have some comfort tonight.

  48. Diana,
    You don’t know me but I’ve been reading your blog for many months and I just wanted to tell you that your story has really made an impact on my life. Thank you so much for sharing Preston and Julian’s birth story. It was heartbreaking and real and beautiful.
    Best wishes to your family.

    P.S. i live all the way in Russia and check your blog every day. you have a fan across the globe.

  49. Wow..so brave and honourable of you to write this down. Look forward to the day you will see them again. In the meantime I pray the the joy of the Lord would be your strength.

  50. Thank you for sharing your story. I know how incredibly hard it must have been. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your boys couldn’t have asked for a better mother to carry them here on Earth.

  51. Trina Morris says:

    God bless you all xxxx

  52. When you say, “I remember saying to him, “Remind me when this is all over and I start to feel so guilty about it all – how peaceful and perfect their moments here on earth were.”

    What a moment that shows your character, heart, and hope for your future. Your awareness of the feelings to come amazes me.

    I came across your blog by chance as you were in the hospital with them and when you made the decision to keep fighting. I know there is a deeper reason. Today one of my best friends told us that another one of her best friends just lost their baby at 27 weeks. I passed your link over to her in hopes that she can find some comfort reading your words, whether it is for support or validation to what she is feeling or whatever. I hope she finds you.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being so raw and brave through your hurt. Thanks for inspiring when the pain is too great.

    And thanks for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. I smile every time I see her smile on Instagram.

  53. It’s been a few months since I last viewed your blog. I am not a blogger so don’t be offended but I truly love your blog. Tears were overflowing as I read your blog. First your are brave and strong sharing your very personal loss with your readers. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache. May God lift you up when you cannot take another step. May his peace secure your family in the time of grieving. One final thing; don’t diet..it doesn’t work..it only causes more heartache of how you see yourself. Maybe check out this site: http://amihungry.com/

    I am praying for you and your family.

  54. Oh God, came across you quite by chance on Facebook and your bit under the cover pic about your boys piqued my curiosity. So I checked out your blog. And now I’m bawling my heart out. You poor, poor love. {{Hugs}} xx

  55. I don’t know how I missed this post. But for some reason it was “featured” on my reader today so I clicked through.

    Diana, I just want to say again how very sorry I am that you and Sam have to go through this. No one should have to go through the pain of losing children. It’s just too much. Yet, I see your heart on these pages and I can feel how strong you are. I’m sure you don’t always feel so strong. But just remember that you are.

    Hugs and love from me.

  56. Those boys were clearly loved. Thank you for sharing this.

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