First Christmas
Bella and I curled up this morning to look at the Pottery Barn magazine that came in the mail. I wanted to just oogle over girly, Christmasy stuff with her. We talked about Christmas, Santa, Jesus’ birthday, the tree. I looked at ornaments and stumbled on a page where you could have them personalized, or include a picture.
And instantly I thought of Preston and Julian. Putting their names on an ornament for our tree. I was ok doing this, trying to figure out which to get. I wanted to have a visible reminder of them during that time.
Then I looked at the angel ones, and for some reason, I thought, “I probably should get those I guess.”
Obviously I don’t have to. But there was something that almost made me think that it was the only kind I could get. Like those were made for moms with dead babies. Although of course they weren’t – but it was that reminder.
Flipping past, I hit a page about Baby’s First Christmas, and as much as I tried to hold it in, the thoughts of, “They’d be 4 months if…” washed over me. My grief therapist has asked me to let these emotions play out as they come – PTSD, grief, anger, whatever – and so I did. I just looked at those chubby little babies and thought of my own and started to bawl.
Bella was upset at first, but I told her I was ok, just sad. She asked if it was the two babies, and I said yes, and that it was ok for me to be sad because I missed them and wished they were here. Then she climbed into my lap and I rocked back and forth and cried, thinking of how different life would be right now if May 3rd had never happened the way it did.
Then Sam came around the corner and hugged me for a while. After a few minutes I wiped my eyes and went to clean up the house and start the day.
That’s how my grief is 6 months out. I’m learning to let it envelop me for a little while, to really feel those emotions. I want Bella to grow up with a healthy understanding of emotions that our society perceives as negative or something to fear. I was afraid of grief and sadness for a long, long time. And now I have a different outlook on it all.
I won’t get those angel ornaments. I’ll get ones I would get for Bella – something with their names on it. A reminder of their life, not death.
I am at 9 months, and it is the same for me. Sometimes it just washes over me and I have to just feel the pain. Which is especially awesome if something triggers it in, say, the checkout line of Target. Seems as if the void gets bigger as time passes, not smaller. The ability to move on instead of being debilitated for the day is the big change, though, one I am thankful for. xoxo