Opening the Wounds to Heal

Yesterday I was looking for a picture on my computer and I stumbled across my pregnancy test from the twins. All 10 pictures of it. :)

The last 6 months, I would have purposefully avoided seeing this, or clicked out and tried not to fall apart. But this was different, the wistfulness of how happy I had been, how excited we were from day 1, drew me in instead of pushing me out.

And I scrolled down, through a timeline of almost a year, all the pictures in order of my life with two babies and a little one at home. Of the innocence and naïvety I’ll never get back.

I saw my first pregnancy shot, then pictures of me being so, so sick. First ultrasound, finding out it was twins. Weekly belly shots as I got bigger, little pics of things we bought, ideas I had for them. Finding out they were boys, the one picture where I suddenly POPPED! overnight it seemed.

All the memories. All so bittersweet. It’s almost hard to believe that was me, that I lived during that time without knowing what this side of life was like. I envy and yet pity myself. How odd.

Can I say something? I am so thankful I documented that pregnancy start to finish. It’s been hard to know all those posts and pictures are on here, little reminders of what we lost. But, as time passes, it’s so comforting to know that too. I’ve never, ever read them since losing the boys. I just can’t yet. I didn’t think I ever would be able to. Yet now I feel that tug to remember it more and more.

I don’t regret making it public. I don’t wish that we had “waited” to share our news, I’m fiercely glad that everyone got to know about Julian and Preston from beginning to their little ends, and I wouldn’t do a thing different. I have all my thoughts and moments written down forever, captured in photos and video. It might hurt to see them still, or forever, but it’s healing too.

I think one day the adoption process will be the same, because I’m in a grieving stage for that as well. Although different since we know we still can in a couple of years.

Sure I could have just done all this on my computer or in a journal. But that’s not my style. My therapist is working with me on being ok with that, being proud of what I do on here and with loving it. I needed you all when this happened, and because you’d walked each step with me, you understood far deeper than I could have ever imagined anyone could.

Do you read my old posts? See my pictures? That may sound narcissistic, but I just want to know if the journey I’m on now includes anyone else that lived this with me in a small way. I guess I want to know if anyone else needed to heal too.


Comments

  1. I’ve been with you since you announced the pregnancy and I’m still with you and I’m glad you’ve documented it all here, because I think it is good to say, this happened, these lives mattered, it was painful, but beautiful and it mattered. I’m beginning to think differently about my desire to keep pregnancies “secret” until it’s past a certain point. A pregnancy is a pregnancy, a baby is a baby and it all matters to someone. And I’m glad you’ve shared and I’m honored to be with you and you should know all of this does matter to me.

  2. Yes. To all of this. ♥

  3. I’ve been watching from the beginning. Praying, hoping, crying, but not always commenting. And now, I am hoping.

  4. How wonderful that you are in this place. What a beautiful gift. Lots of hugs and prayers to you :)

  5. Alejandra says:

    My six months ar also coming up next week. I have looked at my many pregnancy pics, more than I took with my previous pregnancy, and you know what, I feel the same way, i don’t regret taking the pictures, or the many ultrasounds. those are part of the memories I have of my little girl.

  6. I just love those little boys. I am so thankful you shared them & are still sharing them.

  7. I’ve been reading your blog for years, and I shared your joy over your twin babies and cried with you when you endured what no mother should have to go through. Preston and Julian will never be forgotten. I’m so glad you have these memories, and I thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with us.

  8. I’ve been reading your blog since you were admitted to the hospital. I don’t have time to comment as much anymore, but I’m still following your journey. <3

  9. Keep writing all this out and sharing for us all to see. We are here to listen to you, Diana. You have so many friends in so many places <3

  10. I read. I don’t always comment, but I always read. Have been here since you and Sam decided to TTC (actually, probably before that) and have followed your journey. Thank you for sharing those sweet boys with us. <3

  11. The tears are streaming down my face – I think I needed this. – didn’t realize how much I loved and cared for those boys, until the tears come.

    Praying. and so hopeful. so very, very hopeful.

  12. Michelle G says:

    I’ve followed you from very early on in your pregnancy. I’ve laughed with you and cried with you. I need to heal along with you. Thank you for sharing.

  13. SteeblerElf says:

    I love your precious Julian and Preston. I haven’t seen a pic of them since you lost them. Seeing those pics pricks my heart. They remind me of that innocence you talk about. It might be weird for you to hear this, but I miss them. I feel like I know you – you have opened your heart and I feel like you are my friend. Oftentimes, I wish I could also be yours. <3 (don't be creeped out. I promise that I am in great mental health and emotionally stable LOL!!)

  14. The memories of you sharing your excitement to me & on here are amazing. I’m so thankful you shared Preston & Julian with us. And that you continue sharing.

  15. jensadoptionblessings says:

    I’ve been with you since long before the twins…I’ve prayed and cried along with you…I’m so glad you have shared…you have caused me to think about so much…thanks for your honesty and for being you!!! Hugs!!!

  16. I started following your journey after you were admitted, but I did go back in time to read about the boys. I also lost twins (Identical girls at 10wks) and I feel that way now about memories concerning them. I see twins about their age and wonder what if… but my therapist and I are working through it.

  17. I don’t even know how many years I have been around….3 I think. I connected with you very early as I related to what you were going through at the time and although we haven’t shared every journey I still feel connected to you and what you share affects me.

  18. That’s lovely. I wish, wish, wish that I’d taken more pictures and documented every moment. It didn’t occur to me at the time. I was really focused on when she would get here – we’d take pictures of the baby when she was in our arms, who needed pictures of my belly as we waited. We got to 28 weeks, and I wish I had a picture of every day, a recording of every time we heard her little heart beat. It took me a while to get to that point too. In the early days, I think the pain of their being gone is still too fresh. But now, I am to the point where I can look back and smile at the thought of her, even while I miss her.