Yesterday I was looking for a picture on my computer and I stumbled across my pregnancy test from the twins. All 10 pictures of it.
The last 6 months, I would have purposefully avoided seeing this, or clicked out and tried not to fall apart. But this was different, the wistfulness of how happy I had been, how excited we were from day 1, drew me in instead of pushing me out.
And I scrolled down, through a timeline of almost a year, all the pictures in order of my life with two babies and a little one at home. Of the innocence and naïvety I’ll never get back.
I saw my first pregnancy shot, then pictures of me being so, so sick. First ultrasound, finding out it was twins. Weekly belly shots as I got bigger, little pics of things we bought, ideas I had for them. Finding out they were boys, the one picture where I suddenly POPPED! overnight it seemed.
All the memories. All so bittersweet. It’s almost hard to believe that was me, that I lived during that time without knowing what this side of life was like. I envy and yet pity myself. How odd.
Can I say something? I am so thankful I documented that pregnancy start to finish. It’s been hard to know all those posts and pictures are on here, little reminders of what we lost. But, as time passes, it’s so comforting to know that too. I’ve never, ever read them since losing the boys. I just can’t yet. I didn’t think I ever would be able to. Yet now I feel that tug to remember it more and more.
I don’t regret making it public. I don’t wish that we had “waited” to share our news, I’m fiercely glad that everyone got to know about Julian and Preston from beginning to their little ends, and I wouldn’t do a thing different. I have all my thoughts and moments written down forever, captured in photos and video. It might hurt to see them still, or forever, but it’s healing too.
I think one day the adoption process will be the same, because I’m in a grieving stage for that as well. Although different since we know we still can in a couple of years.
Sure I could have just done all this on my computer or in a journal. But that’s not my style. My therapist is working with me on being ok with that, being proud of what I do on here and with loving it. I needed you all when this happened, and because you’d walked each step with me, you understood far deeper than I could have ever imagined anyone could.
Do you read my old posts? See my pictures? That may sound narcissistic, but I just want to know if the journey I’m on now includes anyone else that lived this with me in a small way. I guess I want to know if anyone else needed to heal too.