Trying to get pregnant this time around is really different. I don’t know how else to put it, because it’s just full of so many emotions and triggers.
And yet? Still the same in many ways.
Oddly, it’s probably backwards from what many would expect. Or even what I expected.
I still have a tremendous amount of fear and worry, but this time around it’s for my baby to be. Not because I fear the possibility of knowing how losing a child would feel. Does that make sense? Today my therapist and I were talking about loss and us trying again, and she said, “You could very well feel grief again like this.”
7 months ago? That would have struck fear into my heart so deep. My mind would have screamed, “If she doesn’t say it it won’t happen! Don’t let her talk about it!” Like some kind of a jinx. If no one told me about losing a baby, if I didn’t know anything about it, if I never prepared myself for the possibility, it would never happen.
Instead of feeling like I needed to bolt and get away from her, I actually felt a huge amount of relief in someone acknowledging that I lost babies and it could happen again. It could. I hate, hate it when people try to tell me it was a one time deal or some random thing and it won’t happen. No one knows that. In my 7 months of this journey I’ve met countless women who have lost more than one baby. So saying that to someone negates their very valid worries and thoughts in the process of moving forward.
I’m not trying to be Debbie Downer. I’m trying to be very realistic and honor the immense trauma I went through in May. Being flippant about it or thinking it won’t happen again is dumb.
On a brighter note, there is still the same kind of excitement mixed in with everything else. I can’t wait to see if it happens this month. I have a stock of tests ready.
I shared early (um – before? lol) again, like with the twins, because I don’t regret doing that. I’ve said before I’m so glad I wrote it all, start to finish with them. I’ll do the same here. No matter the outcome. It hurts at first if there is a loss, but as time passes knowing those pictures and words are there for when I’m ready offers great comfort to me.
I don’t know how it will feel if I get to 18/19 weeks again. I can’t imagine not thinking about my water breaking each and every time I head to the bathroom, feel a cramp, move wrong. I pray so hard that God gives me the strength and peace to find comfort in taking it day by day. And reminds me that no matter how much I worry or stress, what His plan is will be. I could worry myself into a coma and it won’t change much. Just make me a mess.
Thanks for all the love yesterday. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You all are the best. Talk about an amazing group of women (and men!) that I have the honor of having read my words and comfort/encourage/love on me.
If you’re TTC or have been after a loss, what was it like for you? What was different, the same? Did you ever feel like you could let the breath you’d been holding out just a little after a certain point?