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Different: TTC after a Loss

Trying to get pregnant this time around is really different. I don’t know how else to put it, because it’s just full of so many emotions and triggers.

And yet? Still the same in many ways.

Oddly, it’s probably backwards from what many would expect. Or even what I expected.

I still have a tremendous amount of fear and worry, but this time around it’s for my baby to be. Not because I fear the possibility of knowing how losing a child would feel. Does that make sense? Today my therapist and I were talking about loss and us trying again, and she said, “You could very well feel grief again like this.”

7 months ago? That would have struck fear into my heart so deep. My mind would have screamed, “If she doesn’t say it it won’t happen! Don’t let her talk about it!” Like some kind of a jinx. If no one told me about losing a baby, if I didn’t know anything about it, if I never prepared myself for the possibility, it would never happen.

Wrong.

Instead of feeling like I needed to bolt and get away from her, I actually felt a huge amount of relief in someone acknowledging that I lost babies and it could happen again. It could. I hate, hate it when people try to tell me it was a one time deal or some random thing and it won’t happen. No one knows that. In my 7 months of this journey I’ve met countless women who have lost more than one baby. So saying that to someone negates their very valid worries and thoughts in the process of moving forward.

I’m not trying to be Debbie Downer. I’m trying to be very realistic and honor the immense trauma I went through in May. Being flippant about it or thinking it won’t happen again is dumb.

On a brighter note, there is still the same kind of excitement mixed in with everything else. I can’t wait to see if it happens this month. I have a stock of tests ready. ;)

I shared early (um – before? lol) again, like with the twins, because I don’t regret doing that. I’ve said before I’m so glad I wrote it all, start to finish with them. I’ll do the same here. No matter the outcome. It hurts at first if there is a loss, but as time passes knowing those pictures and words are there for when I’m ready offers great comfort to me.

I don’t know how it will feel if I get to 18/19 weeks again. I can’t imagine not thinking about my water breaking each and every time I head to the bathroom, feel a cramp, move wrong. I pray so hard that God gives me the strength and peace to find comfort in taking it day by day. And reminds me that no matter how much I worry or stress, what His plan is will be. I could worry myself into a coma and it won’t change much. Just make me a mess.

Thanks for all the love yesterday. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You all are the best. Talk about an amazing group of women (and men!) that I have the honor of having read my words and comfort/encourage/love on me.

If you’re TTC or have been after a loss, what was it like for you? What was different, the same? Did you ever feel like you could let the breath you’d been holding out just a little after a certain point?

 


Comments

  1. TTC after a loss was more stressful to me. I felt like I “failed” every time I didn’t get a BFP.

    I was lucky to get a BFP fairly quickly. As you know, I also pPROM’d. I was 18 weeks, it helped to get passed 18 weeks but I didn’t feel the weight lifted off of my shoulders until 24 weeks (viability).

    Now that I’ve reached viability I’m just anxious to hold my baby in my arms but want her to bake as long as possible.

  2. Congratulations on ttc. Hopefully this is your month!
    We’re trying (and have been on and off since April). I miscarried early two years ago – a surprise pregnancy that was over so quickly I barely had time to breathe.
    I’m struggling with the lack of control – the trying to get pregnant – the endless two week waits – and the emotions each month when it’s all a bust. I am terrified of having a miscarriage again. I am just plain terrified.

  3. We’re TTC, but not in a scheduled, serious way. More in a let’s see what happens way. And it’s hard. It’s so hopeful when I’m not on my period and so heartbreaking, like the miscarriage is happening all over again, when I am. I feel like a failure every time I get my period – couldn’t keep a baby, can’t make another one. It’s dumb and irrational, but there it is. There is no road map for this. I wish there was one, then I wouldn’t doubt doing it wrong all the damn time. Good luck to you and yours! :) Hope we hear good news soon! (PS. Thank you for writing and sharing. It has helped more than I can ever express. Ever.).

  4. I am very glad to have found your blog, and grateful that you are sharing your joy/fears/hopes heck all of it with us. I am glad to see that you are TTC, I am a older mom. My oldest is 21 and I recently had a suprize pregnancy, it was incredibly hard on my body. Almost everything that could go wrong did. At 12 weeks I was put on bed rest, and he was born early. Now hes almost a year.

    I have lost children. I have mourned them and thought about them everyday. The fears with a new child are there always but so are the joys and triumphs. I look at my older children and know a few things I didnt know then. I think Im better for what Ive gone through, and this little guy has freed me in many ways.

    Thank you for sharing with us.

  5. Chrystal Caulkins says:

    My husband and I had a miscarriage with our second child/pregnancy at 10wks 4days we didnt even get to have the ultrasound because it was scheduled for later that day. When we got pregnant for the third time I was a wreck. I was so scared we would lose another baby that I didnt even want to get excited. I also tried to be soo careful with what I did and ate and everything even though I knew that nothing I could have done could have kept me from miscarrying that second baby. I was sure that this time I would not risk anything. I think when we finally got past the 10wks and 4days I was able to breathe easier because it gave me so much hope. We had a sweet handsome baby boy 30 weeks later (eventhough it was supposed to be a girl lol). What helped the most was my husband being so supportive and althoguh it got old sometimes him telling me not to worry because it was in God’s hands. Really everything is in God’s hands and that gives me so much hope and peace and I pray it does the same for you. God Bless your family and I pray blessings on your next pregnancy.
    Chrystal

  6. Trying again after my loss was so scary. I stressed every single time I went to the bathroom, sure I would see blood. Not until I held the baby, did I relax. I hope you have success and a happy and healthy 9 months! I’ll be thinking about you!

  7. My first miscarriage was December 26th, 2008. I was only 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant, however, it still sucked. We got pregnant with Lincoln March 22, 2009, and now he is sitting right beside me, a happy and healthy 3 year old.

    I’m not going to lie to you. Although I wasn’t a wreck my entire pregnancy or anything, EVERY TIME I wiped, I looked for blood. The entire 9 months.

    We’re TTC #2, and recently had our second loss. This time I was 9 weeks along. This loss was much harder on me personally. I’m not sure if it was because I was further along, or because I have a child now, and know what it feels like to love a child.

    However, that being said, having my son really helped me during this time. His snuggles made me feel much, much better.

    We have the go ahead to start trying again December 20th. We’ll probably jump right back in, but it’s so terrifying.

    Hopefully we’ll both be celebrating BFP’s soon :)

    Thinking of you, Momma!

  8. I am lucky because I didn’t have to TTC for very long after either of my losses. Two cycles after my early miscarriage, and then after my son passed away last year we conceived the next month.

    It was like walking a very precarious tightrope of TTC/pregnancy being very worrying and being very comforting. It is strange how an experience can be both. Overall, having my son has been a healing process and he has brought new joy to our family.

    Best of wishes to you!! Can’t wait to hear about your BFP!

  9. AlbertaMom says:

    I’m excited for your family – I hope it happens soon for you! After losing my boys at 21 1/2 weeks I got pregnant again and was very anxious. The worst was around 20 weeks until 24 weeks knowing my daughter could be born alive and they wouldn’t intervene to save her. It was so difficult. I had contingency plans wherever I went “if my water breaks here what will I do?” I was so relieved when she was born full term and healthy, but even then it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her to be taken away too. She was so worth it though. And she is extra special to me because she came after my boys. A precious gift from God.

  10. Elisabeth says:

    Thinking about you and praying for you! Another commenter put into words what I’ve been struggling to say for months. We’ve been TTC for 5 cycles now after my miscarriage and every single time I get my period, I feel like a failure. It’s this crazy emotional roller coaster. I’m so hopeful for 2.5 weeks, and then I start cramping and know my period is coming and I’m so down. I know it will all be worth it though when I’m holding our next child in my arms, or (and this is so hard to even type) I feel peace that our family is complete. I don’t feel that now, so we’ll try again in a few weeks.

  11. I’m 20 weeks pregnant after having a m/c this summer. I can say even now that every time I go to the bathroom, I freak out that there’s going to be blood or something there. We even had a great 20 week ultrasound this week…everything looks fantastic says the dr… yet still…I freak out.

    • I had a healthy pregnancy, 3 early losses, and now I’m at 27 weeks and still nervous about it. So far I’ve only had one “freak out” trip to the doctor, but I guess I’d say I’m a smidgen less scared now that we’re past 24 weeks. If someone says that my daughter told them she’s going to be a big sister, I can actually say now “Yes, I’m pregnant, and I’m due in March.” Before I’d just nod and then go hide and cry. It’s hard but the emotional weirdness is manageable so long as you’ve got good support. Hugs and I hope it goes well!

  12. OK, first, I’m so out of the loop . . . what is BFP?? And I’m so excited that you guys are trying . . . I can’t wait!

  13. I had two miscarriages (at 7 and 8 weeks) before I got pregnant with Selah. I spent the entire time worried that I was going to lose her. That feeling didn’t go away until I had her in my arms in the hospital. Even now, I still worry about losing her.

    I just experienced my 3rd miscarriage (12 weeks) Thanksgiving and I know when I get pregnant again, I will worry even more. :(

  14. Yes, I have been there. We tried for years to get PG. Finally a round of IUI worked. Lost the baby at 20 weeks. Tried IUI for around 6 more times – didn’t work. So we moved on to IVF. Did IVF and lost the PG at 8 weeks. It was very hard. I was blindsided, devastated. But I picked myself up and tried again. It took a while and I changed my clinic and Dr.’s because I just couldn’t go there anymore. We did IVF with preimplantation genetic diagnosis and were successful. The PG was stressful I will admit, but I didn’t let myself get consumed by it. I just cautiously carried on. Yes, every ultrasound was scary and I relived a few things every time, but they were also joyous. Just take it all one step at a time and be happy with each little milestone. As you said what will be will be and I very much hope that what will be will all be good for you. The best of luck and I am very excited for you to be trying. <3 BTW – we did another IVF with PGD and we have two beautiful children – 9 and 7. :)

  15. Laura LaFonte says:

    I am not trying to conceive after a loss of a child but both of my boys have a genetic eye disease that has cost my oldest son almost all of his vision and though my 2nd son has pretty good vision, he could also lose his. And yet I feel in my heart that we are not done and yet I know that this child too will have a 50/50 chance of also having the same eye disease. Part of my struggle with the decision was knowingly chosing to go forward even though there is such a good chance this child too will have the disease. But I know I would regret it if I didn’t.

  16. I’m 25 weeks pregnant after our loss at 20 weeks a year ago. At times I’ve found myself either worrying that it would happen again or feeling like we were somehow immune to it happening again because of the grief we went through & still carry. Truth is, neither way of thinking is right because neither is trusting God. That’s what it has to be about, loss or no loss (just perhaps more easily taken for granted without a loss). For me, the other struggle was the timing and wanting to honor the lost pregnancy–I’m thrilled to be pregnant again and felt that we gave it enough time, but I still had a tinge of guilt almost at our 1 year anniversary that I was already pregnant again. But that’s me and it’s different for everyone.

  17. This was the story of my life throughout my 30s. The good news is that now I’m staring down at 50. Eek. Did I just write that? And all that fertility decade is a faint “did I live through that?” I have three beautiful children, a blend of biological and adopted — and we have a very wonderful life. I do hope your wishes to become pregnant come true. This month.

  18. Sending love and prayers..

  19. Michele Albert says:

    I am so happy and hopeful for you, wishing you all the best!

  20. I am sending all sorts of love your way! After my miscarriage, we TTC right away and it was a little nerve-wracking and a little exciting all at once. It wasn’t the TTC emotions that wer difficult for me but the waiting after I became pregnant. I’m not patient by nature, and it was a lot of freaking out and waiting and back and forth (and praying for more patience!)

  21. Right there with you. We are also TTC after two losses (one at 28 weeks, one at 7). I know people try to be encouraging, but sometimes it makes me crazy! I have no idea when people say things like ‘I know it will work out for you!” when we’ve all learned the hard way that there are no guarantees. Thinking of you, wishing you luck!

  22. I’m reading this late, so I know you’re pregnant, but I am praying for you. I am praying that this time is different than last and that no matter what happens, God protects your heart.