First Appointment: Leave Me Alone
Today I’m heading out to go see a midwife at a birthing center.
Can I be honest?
Before all of this with the twins and the hospital happened, I used to ADORE being at the doctor while pregnant. I loved having as many appointments as I could. Loved it all.
Maybe not the vaginal exams. But most everything else.
The moment that stick turned pink I’d be calling and setting an appointment asap.
I don’t even want to go. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be poked, prodded, scrutinized, nothing. If I could, I’d go in at 20 weeks for that one ultrasound and then have my baby alone in a field with Sam. Maybe with a bed. Grass can be poky.
I know that isn’t a good way to do things with all I’ve been through in my pregnancies, but I’m over it. I honestly do not want to see anyone, go anywhere. It doesn’t seem to help anyway – everything I’ve been through and still Bella came early and I lost the boys. So there is a part of me that thinks, “Then why go through all the stress just to find out there wasn’t anything they could have changed?”
I am going to be very firm this time that I want very little interaction from them with this pregnancy if it continues normally – or even if it becomes high risk but there isn’t anything they can do. This might sound crazy, but honestly? If there isn’t anything they can do then why put us both through the stress? Just leave me alone, let me have my pregnancy as long as I can, and if you can’t help get out of the way.
I’m not going to a midwife because I want an amazing birth or delayed cord clamping or I don’t trust doctors. I’m going because I want to be treated different and to have a different experience – less stress, less invasive, more trusting. I know my body. I know when I ovulated, I knew that I was pregnant 5 days before the stick told me, I know when I am sick and then really, really sick. My therapist has told me time and time again how amazed she is by my intuition during pregnancy. I am so tired of being treated like I’m an idiot that walked through those doors desperately needing a vaginal exam.
Ok. That made me giggle a little. O_o
Anyway, if they won’t take me I don’t know what I’ll do, but right now I am just praying that God gives me the strength to accept whatever path we are on for this little one. Even if it wasn’t the path I wanted. Sam and I prayed that last night too.
But I hope God sees it my way.