The past couple of days since visiting the birthing center I’ve noticed my thinking shift. From “Let’s have this baby alive and healthy” to “What about the birth?” And while this isn’t a totally bad thing, it’s causing me stress and anxiety that shouldn’t be there. Especially this early on.

I am not sure why natural birth is such a hot topic in our society lately. Or why as women we feel so much pressure to do it, or to justify why we didn’t. Even though I had a fairly decent birth with Bella and enjoyed the epidural with no side effects, I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to justify why I had to have one.

And honestly I’m really tired of it.

I had a child. She’s here with me now. We bonded in ways that each mom hopes to bond with her babies.

But again, I’m getting off track. Justifying.

I don’t care what kind of birth anyone has. I don’t know why I feel the need to worry about mine. It’s never worked out the way I planned and yet it all worked out exactly the way God wanted. And somewhere in the fear and terror of doing this all over again, I’ve forgotten that this isn’t about how I give birth. It’s about the process of growing a little one I’ve been blessed with. Yes, education about my body is a part of that for me. I’d love to be able to have a natural birth this time because I was finally able to have a normal pregnancy.

But that might not be in the plans. And I really, really need to be ok with that. To stop stressing about what everyone will think if I go to the hospital and end up with an epidural and start rejoicing over the fact that I will have made it that far, and have another little one in my arms to take home this time. Regardless of the process. Some women would do ANYTHING for that, and I need to remind myself that I would have given anything for my twins to be here. Even if they opened up my head and took them out.

I believe we need to be educated about birth and our bodies, and most of us (myself included before Bella) are sadly not. I chose to head to a birthing center because I haven’t had that choice before. Ever. I did it to be treated differently so I could be less stressed out this time, not because I needed to prove something with my body. And yet when I left, it started to become about that. That I might fail if this didn’t happen with out meds. That choosing a hospital wasn’t right. I may not have a choice and that’s just setting myself up for a heartache to never consider other options.

I don’t believe God blessed me with another child so I could freak out about how it comes out of my body.

The real focus of my pregnancy needs to be on Jesus. Of trusting His plan for me, for my body, for this little one to enter the world. Not obsessing over the way it all happens, which is what I will do if I don’t keep this in mind. I’m so, so blessed to be able to be pregnant again. And I refuse to let myself dwell on how I see my little one enter the world. So I’m done talking about this because I refuse to become infatuated. We have several choices for these next 7ish month, and you’ll know what we chose later on down the road when we are comfortable with one.

And after that? The details are in His hands, the education and trust are in mine.