I haven’t posted much since our plans to adopt fell through in October. It honestly was so hard to understand at the time, I almost was angrier about it than losing the boys. I understood from a scientific standpoint the pregnancy loss, but the adoption left me reeling.

It was tough to process and it still stings. I received a call today from our old agency asking if we wanted to close our file with them, and it brought back all those hopes and dreams we had that really carried us through those first few months emotionally.

The thing is, we still plan on adopting. Very much so, it’s never been a question that one day we will. We’re doing what the agencies told us; giving time and space to losing the boys and sobriety. Each of them said 2 years, and that puts us at about another year and a half, but we might give it longer with this new little one arriving before that.

I feel sad to know that our story, and sharing it, caused others to back away from this process. I know many of you read with interest and hope about it, and the way it turned out left us a bit bewildered at what else we could have done. The answer is simply: “Nothing at the time.” My hope is that if your heart is really tugging for adoption, you’ll try to answer that call. Our story is just that – ours. Everyone has a different path to take. Sometimes mistakes you rectify later don’t ever really get erased, and that’s just life. We know how happy we are now, but that caregivers placing children need to see that – long term.

Watching Russia close its doors to the US for adoption, Korea start to do the same, and other countries buckle down on their international plans made Sam and I take a step back to see, once again, God’s hand on our already grieving hearts. The next country we had considered after Korea was Russia. I am so, so thankful that we didn’t pour more time, money, and emotion into a dead end street. And I hurt for those parents who were close to bringing the child they have waited for home.

We learned SO much through that process. Even knowing that we may pursue domestic next time instead, international really does have some major drawbacks that we weren’t fully prepared for at the time.

I don’t regret trying to adopt when we did, and I certainly don’t regret our decision to try for another biological child – no matter the outcome. I hope that when the time comes for us to try again to adopt, it has a much happier ending.