Glennon from Momastery.com has coined a term that combines brutal + beautiful = brutiful (at least I hope I got that right). That totally sums up this post for me. I hate that there are people in my profession who would treat you this way, and yet I know the type that would. It’s sadly somewhat common in that profession to become hardened to it and to lose the human aspect of it all and instead only look at it medically. It sucks and I’m so sorry you had to go though it and that you continue to go through it.

I remember during both my singleton pregnancy and my twin pregnancy, I was always looking for the next “safe zone”. I always thought that if I could just get to 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks, etc, that THEN I would feel safe. Truth is, I still don’t feel safe and my boys have been walking around outside of my body for over a year now. My PPD/PPA therapist reminds me of a very powerful saying that I often have to remember myself. “Love them while they’re here, but even more, enjoy them while they’re here. Because you won’t stop loving them when one of you is gone.” So hard. And yet so true. You seem to have enjoyed your boys while you had them, all those weeks, because you fought for them every step of the way.

I hope that conveys what I really want to say. Sometimes I wish I was more eloquent Hugs.
Kelli G just wrote If you don’t like seeing pictures of my boys, you should probably just move on.

… I only feel 80% connected to this pregnancy and at 35 weeks, I’m starting to dilate… so I think it’s normal to be disconnected at least a little bit. I bought diapers yesterday and instead of thinking about it in the abstract, I tried to envision an actual small human wearing them, and when I quit crying (gosh, I’m crying over buying diapers… oh hormones) I felt more connected. You’re right, all you can do is enjoy the time you have with your babies and hope there’s always more of it to come. If I can’t enjoy every minute, that’s fine too. Nobody enjoys temper tantrums. Thinking loving, supportive thoughts for you all.
Ms. Future PharmD just wrote PING!

I’m so glad you have a therapist who you trust so deeply! Keep working away at it – it’s hard to connect to a pregnancy when you’ve had so much heartbreak and trauma in the past. Just know that you’re going to get through this ok – I know it!
LDiggitty just wrote 2 weeks old today!

I think it is perfectly normal for you not to feel connected yet. I had four miscarriages before giving birth to my perfect little baby boy. I felt very little connection to him at all before birth. I waited until 38 weeks (yes 38!) before I even bought one baby outfit or got the room ready for his arrival. It was emotionally hard for me to pick out baby clothes, a car seat and all of the things a baby needs when I still felt like I should be mourning my other four babies.

Even up to the time I went into labor, I still thought of the miscarriages. I think this is all perfectly normal. We are mothers and we all know how to mother well our little babies. But do not worry, if you are like me, the moment you see his or her sweet little face looking at you – all of the pain from the past will be over. All of the tears and heartache will be lessened so much because you can now hold a little sweet baby in your arms once again.

Listening and witnessing this with love and awe.
story just wrote One month of my one word

You are not alone in your feelings; thank you so much for sharing them! I know that when I was pregnant with my second daughter I was so detached from her the entire time. I just couldn’t get connected. I mean I was excited but emotionally and mentally I kept my distance, like I was on the outside watching someone else be pregnant. It was self-protection, self-defense. In retrospect I realize I was guarding my heart because I didn’t want to experience the pain of loss if I were to lose her.

I want to encourage you that the moment she was born she and I bonded like I hadn’t bonded with my other babies. She is such a bright light in my life! Just because you aren’t feeling attached right now, maybe you won’t the entire pregnancy, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad mother. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever bond with them. In fact once they’re born you may be even more bonded with them than anyone in your life because the relief that comes with their birth is such a tremendous release.

I am pregnant with our fifth baby right now and I have nightmares all the time about someone taking advantage of me or the baby during or after the birth. I had my last two naturally and with midwives. I have nightmares of EMTs breaking down the door and medically managing a birth that I want to be as calm, peaceful and natural as possible. Unless there is an emergency and we *need* medical help, of course. But otherwise I want to be left alone. I completely understand your fear of being mistreated or having your baby mistreated or treated against your wishes. Are you going to be going some place different this time? You may have mentioned it before but I am so forgetful lately it’s not even funny.

Stay strong, Mama! One day at a time. Don’t worry about lack of feelings. They will come and they will be strong. Just the fact you worry about this tells me you’ll be alright. *hugs*
Joy just wrote Songram, Take 2

Yep, and I have even more complicated emotions cos its from a donor egg…so I not only grieve my first child (who would be coming up for 17 years of age by time I have this one), but all the child(ren) I could have had in all the years lost, the time its taken to get pg again, and my own fertility and eggs. The genetic line ends with me as ive no other family left and even my siblings were lost as babies. And its all unexplained…from the loss to the infertility…some answers would have made it a bit easier. And now im only half way the gestation I was pg with Aidan as I lost him at 34 weeks and im terrifed..im now 44!

Finding this blog is a breath of fresh air. That seems strange to say considering…I actually felt guilty having a baby after I lost my baby girl. Like I was trying to replace the one I lost. I thought people would think I was selfish or irresponsible especially if I lost my next baby. I played out all the scenarios in my head of people saying “didn’t she learn her lesson the first time?”. Not until my sweet Babe was in my arms did I allow myself to feel deserved of her life. I feel terrible about how some women treat each other or most importantly themselves. Thanks again for sharing.