As each day passes with this pregnancy, I have this glimmer of what I can only describe as hope that grows more and more.
Like a tiny light seeping under the door in a dark room. Each day that door opens just a little wider. The room gets a little more light.
I can breathe. I can think about newborns. I can talk with Bella about “baby brother” and what we might expect in those first few months after he’s home. I can visualize myself in the hospital, holding him and crying tears of joy and yes, some of loss still. I’m able to make future plans that revolve around him being here. I create content on Babble that isn’t just loss or fear focused – and do it with humor. That’s something I’ve struggled to do organically for nearly a year.
There are longer times I forget that this is such a high risk pregnancy. I’m not as sick anymore, I have energy, I love that I’m so obviously pregnant, I adore all my maternity clothes. I (TMI Alert) can use the restroom without cringing in fear that at any moment my water will break. It still crosses my mind but I refuse to let it take over all the time like I did these past few months.
Slowly, slowly I am starting to try to put back together the pieces of my heart and mind that last May shattered. Something about getting to 20 weeks loosened the death grip that was on me, even though there wasn’t much of a change in what would happen between a loss at 19 weeks and at 20. Mentally though, it was a massive step. So many of you remembered. So many people in my life remembered. Even my therapist was excited my first appointment after – she barely sat down before blurting out, “And you made it to 20 weeks! I thought of you this Saturday!”
I’m not there yet. I can’t say I don’t have fear. But I’m working on it. Hard. I refuse to let the moments with my sons or this pregnancy be tarnished by my imperfect humanity forever.
It was a beautiful week.
I’ll be joining The Tiny Twig and NapTime Diaries in taking a social media break this weekend – focusing on family and writing. It’s hashtag is #analogweekend (Instagram too) for anyone who wants to see more. Please note that I may die by Sunday.
Other places I’ve been this week: