This weekend I got the urge to clean all the things (thank you second tri energy for FINALLY KICKING IN) and started with the bins of clothes I have from Bella.
I can’t fathom why on earth I saved so many of her clothes, but it’s insane. Like 6 full bins of clothes that are newborn to two years. Crammed full.
Anyway, realizing that I have zero desire to move 6+ large bins to North Carolina, I started to go through them to save and for Goodwill. Then I wondered why I was saving girl clothes as we’re having a boy? This pregnancy has been so stressful, so intense, so physically hard up until just a few weeks ago. It would seem obvious to anyone we would be done.
Then Saturday night Sam took us to shopping and dinner. After, on a whim, we let Bella jump on the splash pad and get herself soaked. It was about 80* out but once she was completely drenched it was freezing to her. We didn’t have any extra clothes or a towel in the car so I ended up stripping her down, wrapping her in a scarf to protect from the car seat straps and then covering her with a blanket. I laughingly told Sam to remind me to pack her a bag of extras for the car from now on, saying, “I did better at this when I was a nanny of 3!”
As we rode home I remembered how I loved to plan activities for the kids I watched. Loved to have a house full of them, to pack all their stuff for the next days adventure. We’d have my car loaded down, songs on, snacks open, chatter about where we were headed. I loved those days. Some of my favorite memories are the summer time ones when everyone was home.
I want that. I want more kids, I want to be pregnant again. I still want to adopt. I don’t want this to be the end of our little family – either because of my body or because our first try at adoption didn’t work out. Sam and I both agree we’re not ready for our family to be finished.
I know this is all in God’s hands. I have no delusions that each pregnancy will be a breeze from here on out. I know the heartache adoption can cause as well. But there is this tug on my heart, always, that I’ve had since I was a little girl for a large family.
I used to want 7 kids but I think I’m ok not reaching that lofty number.
So I pack away Bella’s clothes, and I’ll save ones from this baby too. I’ll tuck my books on adoption in the moving boxes for the next try. I’ll pray that God bends the desires of my heart to His plans for my life, and if it isn’t more children He will take that desire away from me so I can focus it elsewhere.
I will wait. Focus my energy on my little girl and this coming boy, and keep the rest in my mind and heart for down the road. Pray with Sam about what direction to go.
I can’t say I’m done unless that door is closed in all ways. Even if that sounds insane to anyone but us.