4 Years Ago

4 years ago today I sat down on a clunky desktop and typed out this post. I was tired. I was bored. I was stuck inside all day with a 2 month old.

I missed writing and had been sucked into blogs by Beth Anne and Ashley‘s way of writing their lives for an audience.

4 years.

How long did I struggle with coming to terms of writing on here?

This has been a much different story on here than I imagined 4 years ago. I never thought I’d have documented almost losing our first home, watching Sam rejoin the military, a move to El Paso, or deciding to homeschool.

I’ve chronicled Bella’s life and her milestones, announced twins, an adoption, and another baby. This blog holds three of the start to finish lives of my sons. I’ve cried and grieved and railed against God. I’ve fallen in love with my husband all over again and again.

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I Can’t Say We’re Done

This weekend I got the urge to clean all the things (thank you second tri energy for FINALLY KICKING IN) and started with the bins of clothes I have from Bella.

People.

I can’t fathom why on earth I saved so many of her clothes, but it’s insane. Like 6 full bins of clothes that are newborn to two years. Crammed full.

Anyway, realizing that I have zero desire to move 6+ large bins to North Carolina, I started to go through them to save and for Goodwill. Then I wondered why I was saving girl clothes as we’re having a boy? This pregnancy has been so stressful, so intense, so physically hard up until just a few weeks ago. It would seem obvious to anyone we would be done.

Then Saturday night Sam took us to shopping and dinner. After, on a whim, we let Bella jump on the splash pad and get herself soaked. It was about 80* out but once she was completely drenched it was freezing to her. We didn’t have any extra clothes or a towel in the car so I ended up stripping her down, wrapping her in a scarf to protect from the car seat straps and then covering her with a blanket. I laughingly told Sam to remind me to pack her a bag of extras for the car from now on, saying, “I did better at this when I was a nanny of 3!”

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Our Adoption

I haven’t posted much since our plans to adopt fell through in October. It honestly was so hard to understand at the time, I almost was angrier about it than losing the boys. I understood from a scientific standpoint the pregnancy loss, but the adoption left me reeling.

It was tough to process and it still stings. I received a call today from our old agency asking if we wanted to close our file with them, and it brought back all those hopes and dreams we had that really carried us through those first few months emotionally.

The thing is, we still plan on adopting. Very much so, it’s never been a question that one day we will. We’re doing what the agencies told us; giving time and space to losing the boys and sobriety. Each of them said 2 years, and that puts us at about another year and a half, but we might give it longer with this new little one arriving before that.

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About the Adoption

I feel like I should be more angry, more upset, more something about this whole adoption process and the way it all ended.

And yet.

It’s almost a relief to have it over with for the time. It was beginning to become so.much.stress on us.

I am angry – but then I’m not. I can’t really be, we prayed every night since starting this in May that if we weren’t supposed to adopt right now, God would show us. And He did. How can I be angry about that? He told us no for now, but left the door open for later by allowing us an approved homestudy. We can adopt in a few years, we were told that by both agencies. They just want to see more time passed.

I am embarrassed more than anything. I feel like we rushed it, but I won’t apologize for that. The process and all the focus it took helped me through very, very rough moments in my grief. There was something to cling to, even if it didn’t work out. That’s ok. I’m embarrassed to tell you all though. To have the woman on Twitter tell me that we shouldn’t be allowed to adopt or have children because Sam is a recovering alcoholic. To admit it on here, again. To know that was part of the reason that we were turned down.

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Musings Elsewhere

We have a rather big week coming up in a few different ways, which I’m linking to here.

Also? How many times have I written on here about wishing things were nice and quiet for a while only to have life tip upside down? Perhaps God has opposite days and my wishes fall on those…

Anyway, this past week I wrote on Babble about our adoption and the mess that isn’t going to be Korea. :( But hoping so hard God has something else in mind for us with adopting internationally.

Then on Military Family I wrote on vacationing while in the military. How do you plan time away knowing that your trip could very well end up just you and the kids or not going at all if your spouse’s job dictates that?

Then a lot of the time I do short updates on Facebook, so if you have an account and don’t mind the occasional post from me on your wall, you can find me there.

Hoping you all have a lovely long weekend. We plan on going pumpkin picking today, and playing outside in our dinosaur pajamas. Obviously.

Bella and her truck via Hormonal Imbalances Blog

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