4 Years Ago

4 years ago today I sat down on a clunky desktop and typed out this post. I was tired. I was bored. I was stuck inside all day with a 2 month old.

I missed writing and had been sucked into blogs by Beth Anne and Ashley‘s way of writing their lives for an audience.

4 years.

How long did I struggle with coming to terms of writing on here?

This has been a much different story on here than I imagined 4 years ago. I never thought I’d have documented almost losing our first home, watching Sam rejoin the military, a move to El Paso, or deciding to homeschool.

I’ve chronicled Bella’s life and her milestones, announced twins, an adoption, and another baby. This blog holds three of the start to finish lives of my sons. I’ve cried and grieved and railed against God. I’ve fallen in love with my husband all over again and again.

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The Lord Giveth, and The Lord Maketh Us Stay in El Paso

Oh friends.

If you’ve read me long, you know how very much I was looking forward to moving to Ft. Bragg, North Carolina this fall. When Sam finally got orders to go there by October, we were both over the moon thrilled. Perfect timing; we’d head across the country with a new baby and Bella to a place we couldn’t fathom not loving.

But then Kaden got sick. And after he passed, things got complicated. Sam’s orders were pending deletion to help us move to Dallas instead, but that was no longer needed. With a cross country move looming less than 4 weeks away, a memorial service to plan, a house to pack, and a daughter who had her life tipped over again, we had to make a choice. Quick.

We chose to ask for his orders to continue to be deleted and us to stay in El Paso. Then we waited to see what the Army would do, and yesterday we got word that they would allow us stay here.

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These Next Weeks in the Known Unknown

I saw the perinatologist today. Nothing really got a firm date put on it. Which makes me a bit twitchy because I really like to know and plan. Her and my OB seem to be lacking in communication together.

I’d forgotten the closer/not close enough feeling I had with Bella. The anticipation of a giant life change right around the corner but really still a bit away. Obviously I don’t want the baby to come now, or anytime soon, but knowing I *could* know a date -

so many knows to know.

What I did learn today was this: unless I go into labor before 37 weeks or after the cerclage is out (at 37) I’ll be induced at 38. I’ve already talked about the reasons why so I won’t rehash, but risk wise they work for me and they’re the best for the medications I’m on. My goal is still healthy baby, healthy me. Not the perfect birth.

And to be treated like a human this time. That one ranks up there.

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What I’ll Miss About El Paso


You read that right.

Just don’t tell this crazy chick from 2 years ago. She might throat punch me.

As we near the end of our stay here, there are things in nearly 2 years that I’ve grown to love and become used to about this place. I’d have never thought that any part of me would be sad to move. While I’m beyond excited to head to North Carolina and TREES AND GRASS AND WATER – I’ll never think back on this place as one I hated.

After those first few months.

So here’s my list so I don’t forget:

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Moving Dates!

It’s official y’all.

We’re headed out to North Carolina (Ft Bragg) in September.

Most of you are probably thinking, “Didn’t she tell us this?” But these past 2 months have held some things that put a wrench in the initial plans. The Army wanted Sam to be there by July 10th. Meaning a June move. Meaning I’d be like 30 weeks pregnant, high risk, 4-5 days in a car, and sometimes hours away from medical care on the road.


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