Not Consumed

Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is at her hourly care class so I had time to work and finish up some papers for school.

I’m really trying not to let myself be consumed by this pregnancy. Looking back on Kaden’s (and the twins) I see how the fear and panic of it all just ate away at me. Months and months on end.

I can’t do that this time.

That might seem a little strange from someone who has experienced 3 losses and 3 high risk pregnancies (and is no longer on Zoloft), but it’s the truth.

Look at what happened. I spent all.that.time in fear, almost paralyzed by it at some points. Desperate for a different outcome. I did everything and then some.

And he still died.

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The Unexpected

I thought I was coming down with the flu all of last week.

I’d been so busy that it never occurred to me not actually getting the flu wasn’t normal. Until Thursday night when I thought, “Just to be sure this is the flu…”

Turns out it wasn’t.  Oh Baby

We are very unexpectedly expecting a baby.

And I’m terrified.

We’re freaked out, scared, shocked, nervous, and even excited. Yeah, there’s no way not to be excited. This is a little life we created, and we plan on loving it just as much as Bella, Preston, Julian and Kaden – no matter what God has ordained for it from here.

But oh – my heart. I don’t know if I can take another loss again.

I’m not going to get in to how it happened, or why didn’t we do/not do – it doesn’t matter. We were certainly not trying and yet there is a baby – so we move forward from here.

I’m around 6 weeks, I saw my OB today who actually transferred me to the high risk OB at a larger hospital. There are a lot of risks with this, but not one of them is a definite risk. My last three pregnancies have been so different that there’s no pinpointing factor – not even ciHHV-6 is a certainty in Kaden’s death. We simply don’t know. I actually tapered off my Zoloft a few weeks ago, and am no longer able to take Zofran due to both the safety concerns of it and the fact that it could trigger an HHV-6 activation.

Which is slightly terrifying when you’ve had Hyperemesis Gravidarum all three past pregnancies.

I’ll meet with my new doctor in a week or so, and I’ve contacted the ones in Dallas that helped us with Kaden, as well as the HHV-6 foundation. We’re going to give this little one the best shot we can, and leave the rest in God’s hands. While I’d love to think of this as something unplanned and therefore bound to end happily – I’ve known from my own experience and others that isn’t always the case.

If you’d like to pray for something specifically (and I would love that), please pray:

  • For minimal sickness and hip pain
  • For wisdom and compassion for our medical team
  • For our anxiety as this pregnancy progresses
  • For Bella’s excited and nervous little heart
  • And for our ability to place this baby in God’s hands – knowing that He has already planned the days of its life

I don’t know what else to pray for, because the feelings of desperation are so heavy in me right now. I just really want a different ending this time. And there are no guarantees – except that God walks with us through whatever is planned.

Walk with us to a different ending this time Lord – please. Hear our prayers for this little one that you’ve given us.

Glancing Back – Moving Forward

Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.

2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.

I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.

Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.

Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.

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Railing

This morning I decided to just unload on God.

There’s a part of me – probably the evangelical youth group girl – who feels a bit guilty doing this. Like, maybe I should just be thanking Him and praising and KLOVE’ing it up instead of telling Him that it feels like every gift given turns into a bandaid for the wound about to come.

There’s a song (that I really love) that always hits me because it says, “You’re the reason for – every good thing, every heartbeat, every day we get to breathe…”

And I always think – oh.

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Whoever Welcomes a Little Child…

I’ve been thinking a lot of what to ask from you all as I prepare to travel to Zimbabwe in exactly one week. I’ve thought of prayer for myself, the rest of the team, the people we’ll meet, the leaders in Zimbabwe that we’ll be speaking with, our health, the travel, etc.

And yet.

Something has weighed on my heart to share with you.

I want you to be a part of this. Not just by looking at pictures or reading, but a real part of World Vision gearing up to make a crucial difference in the lives of women and children. Zimbabwe has one of the worst crises for pregnant women and infants happening right now.

“Zimbabwe is among 40 countries where the maternal death rate exceeds 960 per 100,000 live births (emphasis mine)… And the situation is not improving: Maternal mortality in Zimbabwe rose by 28 percent between 1990 and 2010. Globally, just 287 mothers die per 100,000 live births, and in sub-Saharan Africa the figure stands at 500 per 100,000, according to Zimbabwe’s Ministry of Health and Child Care.” AlJezeera.com

What can you do? How can you be a part of this?

It’s simple. You can sponsor a child in Zimbabwe here: http://myshare.worldvision.org/dianawrote 

World Vision Zimbabwe Sponsorship [Read more…]