TMI ‘n Stuff

I haven’t really written a lot about this pregnancy – like the actual pregnancy and not just my feelings. But these past two days have been so…



that I felt like they needed to be shared. I do far less TMI posts than I used to, so here’s one to make up for lost, “Omg no.”

You’re welcome.

Yesterday I sneezed, threw up, and peed myself. All at the same time. I just stood in the bathroom and started laughing because really – what else can you do? Then I found new clothes. Sam asked, “Why did you change your clothes?” One look at my face and he knew.

There’s something to be said about communication with someone who has been through four pregnancies. He just gets it.

Last night my heartburn was so bad that I thought if I barfed, I would probably disintegrate whatever it hit with the acid.

parks and rec

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Prayers {& a Baby Name!}

I don’t even know how to begin posts asking for prayer anymore.

Don’t anyone worry – it’s not about something that’s wrong. Everything with me and this baby are ok. But, we asked our doctor today to refer us for a fetal echocardiogram (a detailed ultrasound of the heart that can also measure blood flow) to rule out cardiomyopathy. Her heart looks great on the bi-weekly ultrasounds – but again, so did Kaden’s. Always.

We weren’t sure what they would say, thankfully they all agreed that it was an absolutely legitimate request due to our history. It needs to be done fairly soon, so we should know by the end of this week/start of next if our insurance approved it, and if not – can we afford to pay out-of-pocket for one to be done.

Why I say I don’t know how to ask for prayers is simple – I have no idea what to ask for anymore. I don’t want to consider prayer the “magic lamp” of life, but it’s hard to get away from that mentality. If I pray right, things will be ok.ย Thousands of you prayed for Kaden and I’m sure covered about every possible thing, and yet… So that leaves me a bit empty-handed before God, shuffling around without words and wondering at times why I bother praying at all.

But here we stand again, believing that prayer is more than getting what we want, and knowing that some of you are deeply engaged in praying for us and this baby – and we love that. I often think of the people who told me, “I printed out what you needed prayer on this time around” – just wow. That moves me to tears.

As I thought of how to write this, my heart was prompted to share her name, so that those of you who are praying can use it.

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Hope Intertwined

It’s fairly easy to talk myself into a “rational” state this pregnancy. For a while.

I will not get too invested. Invested just enough.

I will not plan for after.

I will not allow myself to daydream too much.

I will stay calm and practical about this all.

I will not be surprised by pain again. I will be prepared.

However that happens.

And then I feel baby kicks. I see her little face on the screen, her hands waving wildly. I hear Bella say her name, and watch Sam put his head on my stomach to talk to her. I carry her with me everywhere I go, my mind wanders to a nursery theme, cloth diapers, packing a hospital bag.

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20 weeks and ciHHV-6 Fundraising

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound. This one truly was all about the baby’s health, we knew gender with the Verifi test at like 12 weeks, we’d had a pretty thorough scan of her organs at 18. One thing they couldn’t see were all the heart chambers. We were told it was normal, they’d check again in 2 weeks. She was only 7 ounces and bouncing around like crazy in there.

But still. With our history waiting two weeks was a little rough.

Thankfully, everything in her heart is in place and positioned ok. We’re still going to ask for a fetal echocardiogram to check blood flow, because Kaden’s heart was also great and then it just wasn’t. Nothing structurally wrong with his at all, simply the weakened valves.

So far though – everything is looking good.

Here she is!ย  [Read more…]

I’m Tired.

It’s 2:00. I’m alone in a cafe, having spent the past two hours in a intense therapy session. I took an additional two hours after with Bella at her hourly care so I can work.

It’s my last week of my current term of school. Lots to do there.

I haven’t written here in a while. Several in drafts.

I have calls to make. Appointments to check.

And here I sit. Scrolling through pages mindlessly as I avoid this. Writing.

Because I feel like I should be ok. My writing should be about me healing. I’m healing y’all! Expecting a surprise baby and I’m just healing away over here.ย 

I’m pregnant. It’s a girl. Things are good so far. Sunday was Preston and Julian’s birthday – 3 years. And we spent a quiet day at home together.

And yet.ย  [Read more…]