What Hurts

You know what really hurts lately?

I mean, besides seeing everyone celebrate their kid’s first birthday?

The women who lose babies and make it beautiful and earthy and oh so magical.

Seriously.

I know everyone grieves differently, so I’m not here to judge how anyone does this process. But – in the same breath – these feelings and emotions are part of my process as well. So both are valid.

Just right now, their process really hurts me.

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When Your Rainbow Baby Dies

Kaden was my rainbow baby. My child after the storm. The one that was going to fix it all. The pain. The brokenness. The trauma.

The ache of starting motherhood at the beginning with a tiny one.

He was the answer.

Definition: A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

Saturday he would have been 11 months. I sat in church the next morning, and a woman next to me gently placed her hand on my shoulder as we prayed quietly. I didn’t know her, I wasn’t praying out loud. Yet her and her husband prayed for Sam and I, for whatever we faced that we would trust God in it. I was blown away by their love.

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Kaden’s Tattoo

This Thursday will be 10 months since Kaden died. 10 months. Each month I think this and each month it’s true – I simply can’t believe it’s been this long.

I don’t know if this has gotten easier to handle. The day to day is easier, yes. The grief isn’t as all consuming every moment. But the times that it hits me are still just as painful and bewildering as the day he passed. There are moments that overtake me out of nowhere and I struggle just to keep myself from screaming and bursting into tears.

  • The baby aisle in Target.
  • New baby announcements.
  • Insurance mail addressed to him.

I had to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and I loved that show.

Don’t think I sit around and feel sorry for myself about this. I hate this. I strive every.single.day to change my mindset and emotional reaction a little more to these kinds of things. Because it’s life – it’s how it is and there isn’t anyone to blame. It just happened and time marches on. I was so, so close to being ok with this all from losing the twins. Kaden was my rainbow baby, he was supposed to fix all of this.

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Flashback

We’re staying in a Hyatt Place hotel tonight. I love these. It’s like a tiny apartment.

It was really strange to walk in here this afternoon after 4 hours on the road. We opened the door and I felt like someone had transported me back 9 months. Back to the last days of having Kaden.

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This room is nearly identical to the room we stayed at when Kaden was at Dallas Children’s.
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The Life After

Tomorrow we leave for Colorado. My little sister is getting married and I’m the maid of honor, Sam is a groomsman, and… Bella is the flower girl.

So I hope you’re all ready to die of the cute in a few days.

I’ve spent today running around like crazy – getting her hair cut, picking up some last minute wedding gifts, grabbing the dresses, doing all the laundry, sorting and packing clothes/food/toys/and so.many.chargers.

Someone needs to invent a universal charger. For everything – phones, plugs, kid toys. It’s ridiculous how many things we have to have chargers for.

We have our sitter watching the house and pets. Except Charlie, he comes with us.

To be honest? As excited as I am for the wedding and trip home, I’m also really apprehensive. It’ll be the first time since Kaden died, and really since the twins died too, that we’ll be in a group of people we’ve known since Sam and I were both young – but haven’t seen in years. Some will have babies that will be one of my sons’ ages. I was pregnant alongside a few.

Everyone got a baby. But me. Again.

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