Bella at the zoo

There are some days lately – as I start to become less sick, less tired, a little more hopeful – that I look at all we’ve gone through in the past three years and all we are both facing and looking forward to in the upcoming months…

And I feel happy again.

Little bits. Tiny moments of joy where Bella sits next to me chatting, I knit, Sam and I talk, Charlie is on his bed at our feet, the cats are probably somewhere barfing. It all spins together and I feel just so fiercely proud and protective of what we have. Our memories, our hurts, our ability to come back together time and again. Sometimes I feel like we could face anything at this point.

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I’m Tired.

It’s 2:00. I’m alone in a cafe, having spent the past two hours in a intense therapy session. I took an additional two hours after with Bella at her hourly care so I can work.

It’s my last week of my current term of school. Lots to do there.

I haven’t written here in a while. Several in drafts.

I have calls to make. Appointments to check.

And here I sit. Scrolling through pages mindlessly as I avoid this. Writing.

Because I feel like I should be ok. My writing should be about me healing. I’m healing y’all! Expecting a surprise baby and I’m just healing away over here.ย 

I’m pregnant. It’s a girl. Things are good so far. Sunday was Preston and Julian’s birthday – 3 years. And we spent a quiet day at home together.

And yet.ย  [Read more…]

One Day…

The receptionist peers over her desk at us, Bella heading into her hourly care class so I can get some work done at home.

“Does she have an older brother or sister?”

I shake my head.

“Just her?”

“Yes,” I say tightly, wanting to conversation to stop here. It won’t. I just know it. I brace myself for whatever bit of ignorance is coming next.

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Not Consumed

Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is at her hourly care class so I had time to work and finish up some papers for school.

I’m really trying not to let myself be consumed by this pregnancy. Looking back on Kaden’s (and the twins) I see how the fear and panic of it all just ate away at me. Months and months on end.

I can’t do that this time.

That might seem a little strange from someone who has experienced 3 losses and 3 high risk pregnancies (and is no longer on Zoloft), but it’s the truth.

Look at what happened. I spent all.that.time in fear, almost paralyzed by it at some points. Desperate for a different outcome. I did everything and then some.

And he still died.

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18 months {& Kaden’s Birth Story}

18 months ago I was induced with Kaden. It’s taken me this long to write it out because I have felt so robbed and cheated and tricked. I couldn’t even process how I went from finally holding him to empty arms.

(You can read Preston and Julian’s birth story here)

(Bella’s here)

I was determined to have a natural birth – I mean natural besides the induction. That I didn’t have much of an option in. I’d been on the blood thinner Lovenox, and the Dr found I was dialted 4 inches when she took the cerclage out. So letting me go home was a big risk.

I planned to do hypnobirthing, and shared a lot about it on Babble. Even my therapist got into it a bit with me, and we practiced some of the techniques like breathing and focusing in our sessions.

I had the coolest doula. Ever. Emily isย still one of my best friends although we barely knew each other back then. Thanks for being ok with seeing me naked and screaming at you Emily – then sticking around after too. ;)

Sam was there. My mom was on the way. We’d hired a birth photographer to take pics (“From the stomach up,” I told her. “Nothing down there, I don’t even want to see that.”).

When my water broke, I covered my face with my hands on the hospital bed and bawled, because it flashed me back to being on the bathroom floor, towel between my legs, praying to God that I wasn’t going to lose the twins.

Then the hard part. Labor. At first, I was like, “I can do this. This isn’t too bad. Why did I think this was so bad when I had Bella? This is fine. Painful – Doable.”


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