The Price of Love

It’s 11:30am here. We’re all on the couch, Jynx curled up on Bella’s lap as she plays with her animals. Sam is playing SkyRim. On Saturdays I usually get up before him to tidy up the house, so now it’s rather clean and I’m pleased.

We had a very, very hard therapy session yesterday. Sam goes with me each Friday and we have art therapy together. At first I thought it was going to be pretty dumb – would I be drawing pictures of sad faces and having them interpret colors? But the more we get into this, the more challenging it is. It’s not about the process so much as it makes us use an entirely different part of our brain. I usually end up crying about things that I thought I was pretty much over, or remembering parts of the past two years I haven’t thought of in forever.

It’s not magic or anything. In fact it’s pretty incredible how our brains are designed. I’m even more awed by our perfect creation through this.

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On May and the Boys

May is weighing on me. May 3rd is the 2nd anniversary of Preston and Julian’s birth and death. It doesn’t seem possible that was two years ago and I’m sitting here with another baby gone. My greatest fear happened – again.

May 5th will be Kaden’s 9 month birthday.

May is filled with birthdays and Mother’s Day for our family. It’s also supposed to the the month Sam is gone for. Although we have no idea if that will happen.

I want to do something special on the 3rd for the boys – and I want to skip it completely. I started to pull up memories of them last night, laying in bed and thinking about how it felt to see them, hold them, marvel at how tiny they were and how human they were.

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Cruel Irony

This week has been an odd one. I’ve had a lot of hospital flashbacks. A lot of memories that have popped up about our time with Kaden that I haven’t thought of in a while.

Wednesday was 7 months. The day itself wasn’t any harder than others – except as time gets further out I realize how very lonely grief can be. Again.

I miss Kaden so desperately, which even writing turns into feeling guilty about not writing on the twins more. But his was so – profoundly shattering. I miss the way he smelled, even when it was of all the medicine being pumped into him. I miss how much he looked like Bella. I miss the way he turned his little head towards me when we were near him, how he knew the sound of our voices. I miss his little eyes staring up at mine, blinking and looking ever so carefully at us.

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Spring!

Spring

It’s spring today. Some of you are seriously still buried in snow and I just can’t even. We’ve had spring since like – early January so today is name only.

Bella found the first dandelion of the season today. She was so excited, running up to tell me she’d picked a yellow flower. Hair in tangles. Remains of nail polish on her hands. A bit of breakfast on her face. Then she picked the petals off and gave it to me. ;)

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What if you give your life to Christ – and your world crashes in?

Before I really and truly gave my life to Christ nearly 4 years ago this summer, I was terrified of doing so. I was so afraid that something would happen to me if I did. Something terrible. I don’t know why, but I felt as if saying those words could seriously change things.

Never mind that Sam and I fought all the time. Our marriage was strained. We had barely any money and our home was about to be lost.

I feared that if I handed my soul to Jesus, life would hurt more.

And it has.

So here’s the thing, looking back on everything that’s happened since then:

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