First Day

I dropped Bella off at her first day at one of the on post childcare centers. We started out small – just two and a half hours because honestly – I don’t need a lot of care for her. A few hours for work, and several for therapy.

More than anything, I want this to be for her. I truly thought at her age we’d have 2 or 3 more kids running around, and it never crossed my mind that she’d be alone at almost 5. And yet, this is where we are. So I have to adjust my thinking for both of us, and by the look on her face this morning she’s liking it.

Bella First Day

I mean. Really. She’s just my whole heart. (Her dress and shoes are Tea Collection, book bag is by the über talented Mommy Moxie.)

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Little Changes

Lately I’ve been in a real funk. Besides all the horrible anniversaries next month, there has also been massive guilt about Bella. To put it bluntly – she’s been really hard to deal with lately. On top of that, I’ve been hard to deal with too, and Sam’s been working either the longest days or gone for a week at a time. We’ve all been stressed out and on edge.

Yesterday I was at my wits end. I just could not figure out whether I should continue with my desire to homeschool Bella, or if I was being selfish and it would be better if she was in a school this year.

On top of that, with our friends having moved, we don’t know any families with kids here, and it’s so hot out that meeting people at a park or something is out of the question.

I laid on my bed yesterday and bawled. I felt like on top of everything else, I’d pretty much failed as a mom this past year. I didn’t want to keep Bella away from peers, but with our story it was like facing a shooting squad to “join a mom’s group!” or “go to a Bible study!”

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A Day Out

This afternoon Bella and I went to the El Paso Exploreum. It’s like a Children’s Museum – most of it is based around science and hands on activities. We’ve been several times with friends, but today it was just her and I.

Bella at El Paso Exploreum

I’ve been taking her since it opened last January, and it’s fun (and wistful) to look back through the times we’ve gone and see how much she’s changed since then. She’s getting so darn tall and kid looking. The baby-ness has all but disappeared.
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Thoughts and Pics on a Friday

It’s 8am here, and Sam and Bella are still passed out in the beds, so I snuck out to get Charlie up and have a few moments to myself. I love having all of us home for long weekends like this one, but I also crave alone time during it as well. So instead of being cranky that I didn’t get a chance to write or drink coffee in silence, I carved out that time.

Maybe in my old age I’m learning some self discipline.

So what’s new – let me see. Well, coming home from California we had an oversold flight in Vegas. Bella and I gave up our seats for a flight an hour later, and scored two tickets to anywhere Southwest flies, anytime. That was pretty sweet.

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California Dreamin’

Gosh this place smells amazing.

Seriously. I think when you live in El Paso and you visit somewhere else – you realize how other places smell so good.

So we’re out in Santa Clara for my grandma’s 90th birthday. Bella and I flew out Thursday and, after delays and a nearly missed connecting flight, we arrived to a pretty sweet hotel here.

It’s so green and gorgeous. Growing up, we made the trip out here pretty frequently to see my extended family, so this area is like a second home. It’s different coming out here and then heading back to El Paso. There is a part of me that wishes we lived somewhere green and lush, and a part of me that wishes I’d not taken living in San Diego for granted at the start of our marriage.

I do know that a lot of that attitude had to do with me not being thankful/happy for much of anything. I was always searching for the next better thing.

El Paso has taught me such a valuable lesson about truly being able to be content and love where you are – not just long for where you wish you were.

That view comes from some very hard lessons and God – not my own specially smart brain. ;)

California 2

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