#Blessed Weakness

#Blessed Weakness

I see the #blessed hashtag everywhere. If I’m really honest, it makes me incredibly angry most of the time. It’s used for (what I consider) trite, stupid things.

Is that my call to make? No. But that’s how it feels right now.

I’m using Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of Strength (afflink) with my  mom in our one on one Bible study. This week we talked about strength in our weakness, specifically God’s strength.

Lately I feel very on edge about doing things the right way. We’ve had some really bad weeks, with more to come as a consequence of them, and my inner control freak kicks in at these moments to keep everything I can in line.

  • Clean the house.
  • Vacuum like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Organize.
  • Schedule.
  • Plan.
  • Then fall apart.

The other night I sat on the couch and sobbed to Sam about what a disaster our life is. Again. And really – it is. I wish I could be more specific (it’s preventing me from writing more on here because I have so many “can’t be told’s”) but we are waiting to see the outcome of some of this before I make it public.

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Impatient Outsider

I’m sitting here with a hot cup of coffee (cream only, hotter the better) thinking about how it’s been a week since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure why.

I feel left out of everything lately. Life in general. I’m the oddball out almost everywhere I go. I enrolled Bella in gymnastics last month, and two moms with babies sat and chatted about breastfeeding/formula/clothes/nights/etc the whole time. It was so hard to hear, then on top of it little baby whimpers that sent me straight back to Children’s with Kaden. I had to get up and leave the room a few times (Bella was in another room completely).

The last day of it, I chose to sit a little ways away from them and could hear them whisper softly about how I thought I was better than them or something. It hurt so much. I wanted to unload my story on them both, watch their faces as they struggled to find something to say to me then. But I didn’t. I ignored them and their living babies and took Bella home at the end.

We start Girl Scouts next week. I was talking with the lead mom yesterday about it by phone, and she said, “The parents all stick around during the meetings, they’ve become such good friends.”

Great, was all I could think. I wonder when I’ll have to explain why I can’t hold their baby without crying while they dash to the restroom or that Bella isn’t my only child.

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On Homeschooling Bella

About a month ago, we enrolled Bella at the CDC (Child Development Center) a little ways down the road from our home. It’s an on post child care and early school program that is highly monitored and adorable to boot.

We’ve loved it. I have her going about 3 times a week for a few hours – either so I can work or be in therapy.

Bella's Classroom

A few weeks ago, one of the teachers approached me about her upcoming class for the school year. It’s a morning preschool/PreK and she thought Bella would be a great fit. She showed me her classroom and the teacher inside of me wanted to pack my bags and move in. It was so perfect, with a schedule for the kids I couldn’t have made any more delightful.

I went home and suddenly doubted my desire to homeschool. After all, it was only 8-11am. We could homeschool in the afternoons. I would have time to work and clean, run errands. Bella would be with friends in a wonderful environment and with a great teacher.

What pulled me the most was the thought of normalcy that would come with it. I could be a room mom. My daughter would be in a school setting. After all the things that we’ve had to work through, this would just look so normal to everyone from the outside. We could seem – ok. That was a very huge draw for my heart.

Yet. 

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The Quirks That Bind

Last night I asked on Facebook what some of your quirks were.

Facebook Quirks

You guys. YOU GUYS. I don’t think I have ever laughed this hard. I was literally crying. I read so many of them to Sam this morning and he was shaking his head as tears rolled down my cheeks.

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Hopes and Dreams

I went to India 11 years ago this summer.

India 2003

When I left, I was newly married and all of just-turned-20. The trip was to work at an orphanage and live with a family there for a month, while teaching the children about Jesus. I ended up stunned by what I experienced – the poverty and conditions and caste system.

I came back to the US shell shocked. It took a long time not to walk into a grocery store and be overwhelmed by choices. To see children playing and not picture the little servant girl who’s mother had shaved her head in thanks to her god. To erase the image of a blind woman holding a nearly dead baby in her arms as she patted and wailed on our car windows while we sat in traffic. The father of the family we stayed with refused to roll down the windows and help her, telling us it was just a ploy for money.

It’s been 11 years and still the tug to return, to do this again, to help in some small way remains.

Noonday to Rwanda

When Noonday announced yesterday they’d be sending one addition person to Rwanda with their team, my heart instantly leaped and ached. I tried to explain why I wanted to go in 350 words, all the while wiping tears as I wondered if this – this might be the thing that pulled me out of my overwhelming “It’s all about me” grief and into a life again that was so, so far beyond me. This might be the start to the answer of my heart’s never ending, “What might come of all this?”

I want to go. I want to be a part of something bigger than me, bigger than the story that at times threatens to suffocate what I know God could use it for. It would be so easy to just fall into self pity and let loss consume me, but I can’t do that because I know that’s not what I went through this for.

Vote to Send Diana to Rwanda with Noonday

I’m asking for your help in the first stage. Vote. Click the link, scroll down to me and my story, then click the blue VOTE button. Every day. Share it if you feel led. So many of you did yesterday – thank you. After May 28th the top 7 move to a panel who chose 3 and then the 1 going.

Rwanda with Noonday

I don’t know if this is what God wants me to do – because many times I’ve thought,  “This is it!” and look – it wasn’t. Maybe this won’t be, but I can’t pass it up. As much as I’d rather VERY MUCH not to do this publicly and have another thing fall through (believe me) I can’t not take this chance. Even if I end up not being picked, I will know in my heart that I followed a very strong tug that is always there for international need.

So here we go – let’s try to send me to Rwanda and break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness there with this amazing team.