Fiercely, Brokenly Proud

A few weeks ago, one of the mama’s I follow on Instagram had a picture of her little boy up, with a caption underneath of how she missed him and “wished heaven had visiting hours”.

It was so simple and so incredibly profound, because it wasn’t sad. It didn’t seem like anything about loss. I had to read it twice, because the first time I didn’t understand he was gone. Her status was so motherly and normal that it shook me. Instead of grieving for us all, I felt this need to write back in that same manner.

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The Christian Conference After-Shock

The Christian Conference After-Shock

Coming home from a Christian conference tends to bring out a really terrible side of me.

After incredible Influence, I felt like I could have flown myself home in the air. I was so pumped for Jesus and what He was doing in the lives of the women I knew. It held these incredible, exhilarating, totally overwhelming moments of nothing I’d ever known before.

So when I came home, I think I figured it was going to be all different. I’d had a spiritual revival and I was going to light the world on fire for my God.

Reality, however, had the same plans as before. I was still a mama, wife, and still grieving the son I’d just lost the month before. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be home or was dissatisfied with my life, but I kept thinking that my passion would change everything. We’d sell it all and move to Ethiopia or I’d go to seminary. Maybe I’d be this amazing, Bible knowing, praying-in-the-corner-with-my-apron-over-my-head kind of woman.

I don’t even own an apron y’all. But I did think about buying one just for that reason.

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Let’s Talk about the Starbucks Butterbeer Post

I’ve got to say something about it you might not have thought of.

I threw the butterbeer post up in about 7 minutes. I saw something on it while working at Starbucks and thought, “Wait, what?! Does anyone else know about this awesomeness?” I posted it with a pic of my current drink and hoped some of you would find it as fun as I did.

10,000+ Facebook shares, 9,000+ pins, front page of Google for “Starbucks Butterbeer Latte”, and over 200,000 hits on it – I got the message.

People like their Harry Potter and Starbucks. And they like them together.

Yes, it was amazingly awesome to watch it go viral. It was so cool to have friends message me with, “It’s all over my feed!” I loved waking up to it exploding everywhere.

Past that, it meant something else to me. [Read more...]

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Well. It’s Kinda You. {on Influence}

I’m going to spill something that I think some of you might be thinking about.

It hurts to see babies. It hurts so, so much.

See – with the twins, seeing babies wasn’t as bad as losing Kaden. Because twins are rarer, so my brain was able to rationalize seeing a baby with, “But you’d have two so it’s not that painful to see one.” That was my comfort mantra until it stung less. Seeing twins still hurts.

Now I’ve lost a full term, single baby. One that I held and sang to and rocked and nursed.

And I can’t get away from it. Babies are all over. Facebook, Instagram, the store, Starbucks, my friends – it’s a continual reminder over and over of what I don’t have anymore. It’s like being smacked in the face every time I turn around. Except it’s my heart that just re-shatters into a million pieces. The hundred thoughts that instantly race through my mind, “He would have had, he would have been, we would have done, that should have been…” until I can’t handle it and just shut my brain off. I find a distraction of some kind that doesn’t have to do with a baby.

So heading to Influence is going to be rough in many ways. I was pregnant alongside so many of the ladies going with their little ones. I was planning on taking Kaden. It’s still surreal that I won’t be. I want to go to see you all and to have a fun few days, but there is the constant thought of, “All of them will have their babies and I won’t.”

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I wrote this over on Babble, because I wanted to. I didn’t want to rehash it here again, or write it twice, so it’s there. Maybe for an audience of women who don’t know that someone else feels the same way as them. I’ve been terrified to write it, quite honestly some of the comments/emails I’ve gotten lately have put a damper on me wanting to share the other (not so lovely) side of this pregnancy. But I wrote it anyway because it needed to be said. I’d love if you’d go over and read, but understand if you don’t. 


It’s mostly at night. The nightmares that come with a pregnancy after loss haunt me unexpectedly, at random times. I’ll wake, gasping for air, still partially caught in the unconscious of sleep.

Perhaps the dream is of my water breaking. So I’ll lay very still, convinced if I don’t move, it won’t happen. Had I not gone back to the bathroom when I lost my twins, maybe I wouldn’t have lost them. I could have just held it in. As irrational as that is (and I know it) in the dark of the night it seems completely sane. So I don’t dare move. No matter how bad I have to pee, the terror of going through a loss all over again paralyzes me.

Until I finally am able to wake fully, and firmly tell myself that, water breaking or not, I’m going to have to get up at some point. I make myself throw my weight off the bed in an effort to shake the fear. Push it away. If it happens, I tell myself, it happens. Get over it.

Read the rest on Babble.

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