The Price of Love

It’s 11:30am here. We’re all on the couch, Jynx curled up on Bella’s lap as she plays with her animals. Sam is playing SkyRim. On Saturdays I usually get up before him to tidy up the house, so now it’s rather clean and I’m pleased.

We had a very, very hard therapy session yesterday. Sam goes with me each Friday and we have art therapy together. At first I thought it was going to be pretty dumb – would I be drawing pictures of sad faces and having them interpret colors? But the more we get into this, the more challenging it is. It’s not about the process so much as it makes us use an entirely different part of our brain. I usually end up crying about things that I thought I was pretty much over, or remembering parts of the past two years I haven’t thought of in forever.

It’s not magic or anything. In fact it’s pretty incredible how our brains are designed. I’m even more awed by our perfect creation through this.

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Lent, Discouragement, and He Who Shall Not Be Named

Lent 2014

Two weeks into Lent and I’m a bit discouraged.

Not with the reading part. I miss reading books but I haven’t touched one since Lent began. I definitely read more in my Bible at first.

Then something happened.

It was like the more I read, the more hopeless I began to feel. The more time I spent with God, the more questions I started to have and the less things made sense. In fact, I just began to feel a little more angry that God allowed (yes, He allowed it)Β me to go through this kind of loss again. And now it’s all messed up even more and everything just seems – hopeless.

So I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I feel like the automatic answer would be, “Just keep reading! Keep trusting! God will speak to you!” But…

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What if you give your life to Christ – and your world crashes in?

Before I really and truly gave my life to Christ nearly 4 years ago this summer, I was terrified of doing so. I was so afraid that something would happen to me if I did. Something terrible. I don’t know why, but I felt as if saying those words could seriously change things.

Never mind that Sam and I fought all the time. Our marriage was strained. We had barely any money and our home was about to be lost.

I feared that if I handed my soul to Jesus, life would hurt more.

And it has.

So here’s the thing, looking back on everything that’s happened since then:

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Chasing Happiness

Chasing Happiness

Sometimes I hesitate writing anything that seems to be unthankful, unhappy, ungrateful because I will get that one (or more) comment scolding me.

And it just eats away at me.

I wish it didn’t. I certainly don’t dwell on those as much as I used to, but I wish I didn’t at all.

In my mind, I think of all the responses to change their mind. Usually it comes from someone who has read a post without any background info on us or our situation, and they rush to inform me of how off track I am. I spend time thinking of the perfect answer so they understand why I wrote what I did, and yet I know that in 99.9% of those cases it won’t matter what I tell them.

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Let’s talk about Lent

Lent

Lent is tomorrow.

I’ve never participated in Lent before. I grew up in a Presbyterian church and we had Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter, but I didn’t know about Lent until probably a few years ago.

I’ve been reading on it in detail the past few weeks and it’s just fascinating. I love all the different perspectives, history, and ideas about what to give up. Search Amazon for Lent in Books and you get some pretty interesting takes on it.

We’re writing a 40 day Lent devotional for She Reads TruthΒ (seriously, join us tomorrow), and because of that I decided to “do Lent” this year. That certainly doesn’t sound right – like I’m giving God a try or something. We’ll just chalk it up to biblical incorrectness on my part and move on.

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