Not Consumed

Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is at her hourly care class so I had time to work and finish up some papers for school.

I’m really trying not to let myself be consumed by this pregnancy. Looking back on Kaden’s (and the twins) I see how the fear and panic of it all just ate away at me. Months and months on end.

I can’t do that this time.

That might seem a little strange from someone who has experienced 3 losses and 3 high risk pregnancies (and is no longer on Zoloft), but it’s the truth.

Look at what happened. I spent all.that.time in fear, almost paralyzed by it at some points. Desperate for a different outcome. I did everything and then some.

And he still died.

[Read more…]

The Big News

I have 11 cartons of Girl Scout cookies in my car.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Day 22 of Whole30 and sugar is still my #1 kicker on this.

So that’s not the big news at all (in fact those cookies are to sell). It has to do with Zimbabwe, me, the boys, these past nearly 3 years, and my therapist.

Like some kind of a random riddle.

[Read more…]

My Word {2015}

I love words. I love picking one that I hope will define my thinking for the year – turning me back over and over to where I was moving on from the past year into one full of hope.

So this year, I picked a word with a meaning where I’ve been both struggling and making a part of my daily life.

My Word 2015

This is the Hebrew text, written in my dad’s handwriting. He knows Hebrew (and Greek) so I asked him to write it for me. I’m planning on having it tattooed somewhere small. (Person who anonymously wrote me that tattoos are wrong- duly noted. I am getting another one. That’ll make 6 wrongs.)

I love, love, love the Hebrew version of this word. Here’s what this one means:

Wait: qavah (kaw-vaw)

to wait, look for, hope, expect (probably originally twist, stretch, then of tension of enduring, waiting: Assyrian ‡ûû II, I. wait, ‡û, cord; Arabic be strong, strength, also strand of rope; Syriac endure, remain, await, threads, so ᵑ7 קַוִּין spider’s threads, web)

sources: and

Often this past year I’ve felt myself rushing to be done with something or to move onto the next thing. I’ve found that 99.99% of my life is waiting. And most of us try to wait with a vengeance if we’re aware of it. Like – I almost try to control my wait time. “I’m going to WAIT PATIENTLY LORD. I’m stiiiiillll waiting.” Really that’s still us trying to do it “right” or in a way that hurries God up.

I don’t know exactly how else to wait, but I do know that if my life is made up of mostly this time period, it should involve me handing it to God. He should be in charge of how I wait, the lessons I learn (or don’t), and the things that happen.

Sometimes waiting leads to an open door.

Sometimes waiting is simply sitting in front of a closed door for much longer than any of us are comfortable with.

I’m searching out waiting this year. Asking God to open my eyes to my life as waiting.

I’d love to hear your word if you picked one.

Glancing Back – Moving Forward

Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.

2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.

I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.

Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.

Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.

[Read more…]

They Are Waiting

I’ve had people ask me excitedly, “How was Zimbabwe?” and honestly, I never know what to say. How do you sum up 12 days of an otherworldly, life changing, soul piercing experience into a few sentences?

Zimbabwe with World Vision 2014

“It was good – life changing.”

So much happened there that I don’t even know where to begin. Even on here.

As time passes, I’ll be able to share more stories in depth. One at a time. To think of trying to do it all in a post or two – well there’s no way. You’d be reading a small novel on here. I need to process them, and often in the meantime they tie into my life in America in unexpected ways. It’s then that I feel that little rush to write about it, and then when it comes out the best.

Even the plane rides were an out of body experience. [Read more…]