Telling Our Stories

I finished The Book Thief last night. It took me two nights.

It was probably one of the best books I’ve ever read. A bit hard to get into, but once I understood what was going on, I couldn’t put it down.

Even though many times I wanted to.

When the main character, Liesel, goes through loss after loss in such detail – I felt tears fall down my cheeks. It’s rare for me to cry from a book, but it happens. Charlotte’s Web. Anne of Green Gables when Matthew dies. I can’t remember the last time I cried as an adult though.

In a small way (because I am not ever going to relate my pain to those who horrifically suffered time and again in Nazi Germany) I felt what she was feeling. I knew the shock, the screaming, the disbelief of the death of someone you love. I was there, I felt her hesitation when happiness came and she wondered when it would end, and end in tragedy.

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The Life After

Tomorrow we leave for Colorado. My little sister is getting married and I’m the maid of honor, Sam is a groomsman, and… Bella is the flower girl.

So I hope you’re all ready to die of the cute in a few days.

I’ve spent today running around like crazy – getting her hair cut, picking up some last minute wedding gifts, grabbing the dresses, doing all the laundry, sorting and packing clothes/food/toys/and so.many.chargers.

Someone needs to invent a universal charger. For everything – phones, plugs, kid toys. It’s ridiculous how many things we have to have chargers for.

We have our sitter watching the house and pets. Except Charlie, he comes with us.

To be honest? As excited as I am for the wedding and trip home, I’m also really apprehensive. It’ll be the first time since Kaden died, and really since the twins died too, that we’ll be in a group of people we’ve known since Sam and I were both young – but haven’t seen in years. Some will have babies that will be one of my sons’ ages. I was pregnant alongside a few.

Everyone got a baby. But me. Again.

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Hopes and Dreams

I went to India 11 years ago this summer.

India 2003

When I left, I was newly married and all of just-turned-20. The trip was to work at an orphanage and live with a family there for a month, while teaching the children about Jesus. I ended up stunned by what I experienced – the poverty and conditions and caste system.

I came back to the US shell shocked. It took a long time not to walk into a grocery store and be overwhelmed by choices. To see children playing and not picture the little servant girl who’s mother had shaved her head in thanks to her god. To erase the image of a blind woman holding a nearly dead baby in her arms as she patted and wailed on our car windows while we sat in traffic. The father of the family we stayed with refused to roll down the windows and help her, telling us it was just a ploy for money.

It’s been 11 years and still the tug to return, to do this again, to help in some small way remains.

Noonday to Rwanda

When Noonday announced yesterday they’d be sending one addition person to Rwanda with their team, my heart instantly leaped and ached. I tried to explain why I wanted to go in 350 words, all the while wiping tears as I wondered if this – this might be the thing that pulled me out of my overwhelming “It’s all about me” grief and into a life again that was so, so far beyond me. This might be the start to the answer of my heart’s never ending, “What might come of all this?”

I want to go. I want to be a part of something bigger than me, bigger than the story that at times threatens to suffocate what I know God could use it for. It would be so easy to just fall into self pity and let loss consume me, but I can’t do that because I know that’s not what I went through this for.

Vote to Send Diana to Rwanda with Noonday

I’m asking for your help in the first stage. Vote. Click the link, scroll down to me and my story, then click the blue VOTE button. Every day. Share it if you feel led. So many of you did yesterday – thank you. After May 28th the top 7 move to a panel who chose 3 and then the 1 going.

Rwanda with Noonday

I don’t know if this is what God wants me to do – because many times I’ve thought,  “This is it!” and look – it wasn’t. Maybe this won’t be, but I can’t pass it up. As much as I’d rather VERY MUCH not to do this publicly and have another thing fall through (believe me) I can’t not take this chance. Even if I end up not being picked, I will know in my heart that I followed a very strong tug that is always there for international need.

So here we go – let’s try to send me to Rwanda and break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness there with this amazing team.

Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Jesus

The past few weeks have been – rough. I have so many emotions and feelings swirling around in my brain all the time. I told a girlfriend the other night that it feels like my thoughts are a game of pingpong.

Back and forth. Be happy, be sad. Be thankful, feel resentful. Be angry, be calm. 

This week brought an unexpected death to our extended family. A lovely woman who left behind a very distraught family.

The twin’s 2 year birthday was Saturday.

Kaden’s 9 month birthday was Monday.

I see families moving on, growing, becoming the very thing so many of us picture when we think of adulthood. Marriage, babies, school.

Hope dims on days when this overwhelms me. When I look back at the past 2 1/2 years of waiting to bring one of our babies home and I’m furious that once again, I’m here with this burden to carry.

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Because They Lived

Two years ago yesterday I posted this in a private FB group:

2014-04-28 07.35.10

I don’t remember much about those first few days in the hospital. In fact, I’ve never gone back to read one post I wrote during that time. 2 years and I’ve linked to them, but never read. It’s still that painful.

Looking back, I can see the PTSD that spiraled from being there and treated so awfully in both hospitals. I understand how people didn’t get why I acted the way I did after the boys died, because sometimes I don’t even get it – but that doesn’t excuse the treatment from people in our life. I didn’t have a lot of PTSD with Kaden’s time at the hospital. The doctors were kind, the nurses were helpful, everyone wanted him to live.

With the twins, everyone just wanted me to leave.

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