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The Day Before

Today has been a really terrible day so far.

And it’s only noon here as I write this.

I expected tomorrow to be. The day Kaden died. Really though, I find myself dreading birthdays more than – death days? What on earth do we call these days? Anniversary seems to give it the air of something celebrated. Birthdays are hard – and as my wise friend Emily told me, “It’s because that’s a day when you’re supposed to be happy, but you can’t be.”

Tomorrow is a day I’m supposed to be sad.

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Count It All Joy {or Trying To}

Today I woke up with the thought, “It feels like God hates me.”

It really does lately. Either He forgot about me, or He’s just having a grand time ruining my life while letting everyone else have a semi normal one. I don’t get it.

So many of you have reached out to me this week – thank you. Like each time we face some trial over the past 4 years, you guys are always there. I’ve been MIA from social media (and still am) because I want to focus on our family right now, with some writing. I did want to let you know that this didn’t involve a baby of our own, we have no intention of getting pregnant again because of the ciHHV-6 virus that my pregnancies activate.

Part of the mess involves an adoption we’ve been working on for the past 2 1/2 months, and the mom (due in October) changed her mind this past week. Totally unrelated to anything else we’re dealing with, but a big hit. We understood it was her right and choice, and I am hopeful that things work out for her and this little one, but it still hurts. It wasn’t something we pursued but rather came to us unexpectedly, and we moved forward in faith, trusting that God had a plan in it. We were waiting to announce anything until the homestudy was approved, and it is. Finalized on Kaden’s birthday through a wonderful agency we’ve worked with since June. It approves us for any age of child up to a year younger than Bella.

That is one of the brightest parts in this all.

The rest is still being worked through, and again, unrelated to the adoption.

Anyway, in the midst of these thoughts of, “Why me, why us, why again do we have to go through more pain?” was the sudden realization this afternoon of something I’d prayed time and again these past few months. That Christ would do whatever He wanted in my life for His will. Whatever it took, that He would use my talents, time, mistakes, and humanity to further His kingdom.

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Hi.

I dislike vague blogs/posts/booking as much as the next person. But I’ve been silent on here for a little too long – and so you’re going to get that today.

Please pray for us. For our family, for Sam, for Bella, our life. We were going to come on here this week to share amazing news that we’d waited months to share, but in a horrible turn of events and decisions, we’re now looking at, yet again, a completely different life.

We are ok. We are safe. We are clinging to faith and I’m clinging to the hope that Jesus truly is the Great Redeemer because man – just when you think life can’t get much worse, it can. Oh friends, it truly can.

Be in prayer for us as we face some of the most trying, stressful, difficult days of our lives. Pray for wisdom in hard moments, for a reminder that true wealth lies in Christ and not our stuff, and for discernment in the days ahead.

Again, I’m sorry for the “Life just changed for the worse but don’t ask why” post, but I didn’t want to stay silent on here indefinitely. Besides – “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” I know this doesn’t mean our prayers will be answered, but God will be there. 

We need Him, and your prayers, here with us.

Telling Our Stories

I finished The Book Thief last night. It took me two nights.

It was probably one of the best books I’ve ever read. A bit hard to get into, but once I understood what was going on, I couldn’t put it down.

Even though many times I wanted to.

When the main character, Liesel, goes through loss after loss in such detail – I felt tears fall down my cheeks. It’s rare for me to cry from a book, but it happens. Charlotte’s Web. Anne of Green Gables when Matthew dies. I can’t remember the last time I cried as an adult though.

In a small way (because I am not ever going to relate my pain to those who horrifically suffered time and again in Nazi Germany) I felt what she was feeling. I knew the shock, the screaming, the disbelief of the death of someone you love. I was there, I felt her hesitation when happiness came and she wondered when it would end, and end in tragedy.

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The Life After

Tomorrow we leave for Colorado. My little sister is getting married and I’m the maid of honor, Sam is a groomsman, and… Bella is the flower girl.

So I hope you’re all ready to die of the cute in a few days.

I’ve spent today running around like crazy – getting her hair cut, picking up some last minute wedding gifts, grabbing the dresses, doing all the laundry, sorting and packing clothes/food/toys/and so.many.chargers.

Someone needs to invent a universal charger. For everything – phones, plugs, kid toys. It’s ridiculous how many things we have to have chargers for.

We have our sitter watching the house and pets. Except Charlie, he comes with us.

To be honest? As excited as I am for the wedding and trip home, I’m also really apprehensive. It’ll be the first time since Kaden died, and really since the twins died too, that we’ll be in a group of people we’ve known since Sam and I were both young – but haven’t seen in years. Some will have babies that will be one of my sons’ ages. I was pregnant alongside a few.

Everyone got a baby. But me. Again.

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