Glancing Back – Moving Forward

Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.

2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.

I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.

Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.

Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.

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A Peek Into Our Christmas Day

Yesterday was magical. I couldn’t have picked out a better day for us. The night before Christmas, Bella opened one present (carrying on the tradition from my family), put cookies and milk out for Santa, wore the cutest Christmas nightgown ever, and took an hour and a half to wind down and pass out.

Christmas 2014

I sat up till 10 wrapping gifts and rearranging them under the tree, then hauling the world’s largest Stegosaurus out. [Read more…]

A Week of Ours

Sam is gone for the day, a shift at work. The Sunday’s he has these are hard because there simply isn’t much to do here. Bella and I are thinking of going to the zoo this afternoon to break up part of the day.

These past two weeks have been busy. Soccer started, Bella’s first game was Thursday. I seriously could not handle how cute that was – tiny ones running and sobbing about having the ball taken away from them.

soccer

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On Homeschooling Bella

About a month ago, we enrolled Bella at the CDC (Child Development Center) a little ways down the road from our home. It’s an on post child care and early school program that is highly monitored and adorable to boot.

We’ve loved it. I have her going about 3 times a week for a few hours – either so I can work or be in therapy.

Bella's Classroom

A few weeks ago, one of the teachers approached me about her upcoming class for the school year. It’s a morning preschool/PreK and she thought Bella would be a great fit. She showed me her classroom and the teacher inside of me wanted to pack my bags and move in. It was so perfect, with a schedule for the kids I couldn’t have made any more delightful.

I went home and suddenly doubted my desire to homeschool. After all, it was only 8-11am. We could homeschool in the afternoons. I would have time to work and clean, run errands. Bella would be with friends in a wonderful environment and with a great teacher.

What pulled me the most was the thought of normalcy that would come with it. I could be a room mom. My daughter would be in a school setting. After all the things that we’ve had to work through, this would just look so normal to everyone from the outside. We could seem – ok. That was a very huge draw for my heart.

Yet. 

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Count It All Joy {or Trying To}

Today I woke up with the thought, “It feels like God hates me.”

It really does lately. Either He forgot about me, or He’s just having a grand time ruining my life while letting everyone else have a semi normal one. I don’t get it.

So many of you have reached out to me this week – thank you. Like each time we face some trial over the past 4 years, you guys are always there. I’ve been MIA from social media (and still am) because I want to focus on our family right now, with some writing. I did want to let you know that this didn’t involve a baby of our own, we have no intention of getting pregnant again because of the ciHHV-6 virus that my pregnancies activate.

Part of the mess involves an adoption we’ve been working on for the past 2 1/2 months, and the mom (due in October) changed her mind this past week. Totally unrelated to anything else we’re dealing with, but a big hit. We understood it was her right and choice, and I am hopeful that things work out for her and this little one, but it still hurts. It wasn’t something we pursued but rather came to us unexpectedly, and we moved forward in faith, trusting that God had a plan in it. We were waiting to announce anything until the homestudy was approved, and it is. Finalized on Kaden’s birthday through a wonderful agency we’ve worked with since June. It approves us for any age of child up to a year younger than Bella.

That is one of the brightest parts in this all.

The rest is still being worked through, and again, unrelated to the adoption.

Anyway, in the midst of these thoughts of, “Why me, why us, why again do we have to go through more pain?” was the sudden realization this afternoon of something I’d prayed time and again these past few months. That Christ would do whatever He wanted in my life for His will. Whatever it took, that He would use my talents, time, mistakes, and humanity to further His kingdom.

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