I thought I was coming down with the flu all of last week.
I’d been so busy that it never occurred to me not actually getting the flu wasn’t normal. Until Thursday night when I thought, “Just to be sure this is the flu…”
Turns out it wasn’t.
We are very unexpectedly expecting a baby.
And I’m terrified.
We’re freaked out, scared, shocked, nervous, and even excited. Yeah, there’s no way not to be excited. This is a little life we created, and we plan on loving it just as much as Bella, Preston, Julian and Kaden – no matter what God has ordained for it from here.
But oh – my heart. I don’t know if I can take another loss again.
I’m not going to get in to how it happened, or why didn’t we do/not do – it doesn’t matter. We were certainly not trying and yet there is a baby – so we move forward from here.
I’m around 6 weeks, I saw my OB today who actually transferred me to the high risk OB at a larger hospital. There are a lot of risks with this, but not one of them is a definite risk. My last three pregnancies have been so different that there’s no pinpointing factor – not even ciHHV-6 is a certainty in Kaden’s death. We simply don’t know. I actually tapered off my Zoloft a few weeks ago, and am no longer able to take Zofran due to both the safety concerns of it and the fact that it could trigger an HHV-6 activation.
Which is slightly terrifying when you’ve had Hyperemesis Gravidarum all three past pregnancies.
I’ll meet with my new doctor in a week or so, and I’ve contacted the ones in Dallas that helped us with Kaden, as well as the HHV-6 foundation. We’re going to give this little one the best shot we can, and leave the rest in God’s hands. While I’d love to think of this as something unplanned and therefore bound to end happily – I’ve known from my own experience and others that isn’t always the case.
If you’d like to pray for something specifically (and I would love that), please pray:
- For minimal sickness and hip pain
- For wisdom and compassion for our medical team
- For our anxiety as this pregnancy progresses
- For Bella’s excited and nervous little heart
- And for our ability to place this baby in God’s hands – knowing that He has already planned the days of its life
I don’t know what else to pray for, because the feelings of desperation are so heavy in me right now. I just really want a different ending this time. And there are no guarantees – except that God walks with us through whatever is planned.
Walk with us to a different ending this time Lord – please. Hear our prayers for this little one that you’ve given us.