Glancing Back – Moving Forward

Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.

2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.

I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.

Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.

Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.

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2 Years Sober

Wow. 2 years y’all. 2 years ago I was sitting at my parents house, crying, with a 10 month old baby sleeping in a pack n play while Sam and I argued on the phone about his drinking. As I repeated over and over that I simply couldn’t take it anymore, something had to give.

2 years later we sit here – and how life has changed. Even in the past year.

It’s a good feeling to know we’re 2 years into a new life. A wonderful thing to know we can handle things, big things, without drinking those feelings away. Or fighting and arguing.

Life is peaceful here. Rarely is there a voice raised anymore, and when it is it’s replaced with one of us telling the other, “Let’s just stop and talk about it instead of yelling.” It didn’t use to be this way. Holy Moses, we had some knock down drag outs that make me cringe to think about now. How did we live like that for 7 1/2 years? How was that our normal?


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Everything the Same. Everything Different.

No matter how big of a surprise a pregnancy is, there is a certain point where most of us accept and start to plan for what is to come.

I had about 6 weeks of planning for another child after the test, then 10 weeks of planning for twins. In that time, I managed to start to wrap my head around the changes that were to come with two babies in the house and a toddler. Of the life that would be drastically altered in the months to come. I was excited and nervous, and the compulsive cleaner in me wondered if I’d have any time to housekeep again. I wrote about it here, on Babble, I changed plans to go to any blog conferences ever again (ever lol), and settled in.

And then life as I planned for it disappeared in the blink of an eye.  [Read more…]

It’s stress. Not sadness.

I’m not depressed.

I know that depression and anxiety usually are like twins, but I don’t feel that way.

I feel anxious. A lot.

I don’t feel sad. Or alone. Or depressed.

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On being afraid.

*If you’re family, I’m asking you skip reading this post.




After Friday’s post, something didn’t set well with me. Yes, I love how my life is. I love it being just us and Bella. I enjoy the freedom I have to work and write.

But saying those are my reasons not to have another baby isn’t quite accurate. I know I’d be able to continue to write no matter what life throws at me, because I love doing it. I know I could carve out time to work, to cook and clean. It would be a challenge, but when I had Bella it simply took finding a new routine.

So what is it? I have pondered this question far longer than that post, but this weekend has had me thinking on it every moment of the day. Last night Sam and I talked for hours on having a second. What held me back? Why do I feel this need to try to put it off or think of every excuse in the world why I shouldn’t? Do I really not want any more kids? What about that he does? Why do I know I could, in a moment, have that longing for a baby but I won’t let myself?

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