2 Years Sober

Wow. 2 years y’all. 2 years ago I was sitting at my parents house, crying, with a 10 month old baby sleeping in a pack n play while Sam and I argued on the phone about his drinking. As I repeated over and over that I simply couldn’t take it anymore, something had to give.

2 years later we sit here – and how life has changed. Even in the past year.

It’s a good feeling to know we’re 2 years into a new life. A wonderful thing to know we can handle things, big things, without drinking those feelings away. Or fighting and arguing.

Life is peaceful here. Rarely is there a voice raised anymore, and when it is it’s replaced with one of us telling the other, “Let’s just stop and talk about it instead of yelling.” It didn’t use to be this way. Holy Moses, we had some knock down drag outs that make me cringe to think about now. How did we live like that for 7 1/2 years? How was that our normal?

Hindsight.

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Everything the Same. Everything Different.

No matter how big of a surprise a pregnancy is, there is a certain point where most of us accept and start to plan for what is to come.

I had about 6 weeks of planning for another child after the test, then 10 weeks of planning for twins. In that time, I managed to start to wrap my head around the changes that were to come with two babies in the house and a toddler. Of the life that would be drastically altered in the months to come. I was excited and nervous, and the compulsive cleaner in me wondered if I’d have any time to housekeep again. I wrote about it here, on Babble, I changed plans to go to any blog conferences ever again (ever lol), and settled in.

And then life as I planned for it disappeared in the blink of an eye.  [Read more...]

It’s all I can do.

Sunday night I made The Pioneer Woman’s Tuscan Bean Soup with Shrimp, (yes it was amazing) and when I cracked open a bottle of dry white cooking wine, I suddenly had a flurry of memories wash over me as the faint smell of alcohol came up.

Sitting with a glass of red wine and watching TV.

Waiting in terror for Sam to drink.

Fighting with Sam while he drank.

The screaming. The throwing. The name calling. The tears and hurt and broken promises.

Over and over. 7 1/2 years. [Read more...]

It’s stress. Not sadness.

I’m not depressed.

I know that depression and anxiety usually are like twins, but I don’t feel that way.

I feel anxious. A lot.

I don’t feel sad. Or alone. Or depressed.

[Read more...]

I’m a mess. And I can’t stop it.

I can’t shake it.

I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, this life I have is all going to come crashing down in a million pieces on me. Because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m a mess. Because no one lives without tragedy and somehow it’s my turn. [Read more...]

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