{The Confessions of a Crunchy Housewife™}
Sunday night I made The Pioneer Woman’s Tuscan Bean Soup with Shrimp, (yes it was amazing) and when I cracked open a bottle of dry white cooking wine, I suddenly had a flurry of memories wash over me as the faint smell of alcohol came up.
Sitting with a glass of red wine and watching TV.
Waiting in terror for Sam to drink.
Fighting with Sam while he drank.
The screaming. The throwing. The name calling. The tears and hurt and broken promises.
Over and over. 7 1/2 years. [Read more...]
I’m not depressed.
I know that depression and anxiety usually are like twins, but I don’t feel that way.
I feel anxious. A lot.
I don’t feel sad. Or alone. Or depressed.
I can’t shake it.
I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, this life I have is all going to come crashing down in a million pieces on me. Because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m a mess. Because no one lives without tragedy and somehow it’s my turn. [Read more...]
*If you’re family, I’m asking you skip reading this post.
After Friday’s post, something didn’t set well with me. Yes, I love how my life is. I love it being just us and Bella. I enjoy the freedom I have to work and write.
But saying those are my reasons not to have another baby isn’t quite accurate. I know I’d be able to continue to write no matter what life throws at me, because I love doing it. I know I could carve out time to work, to cook and clean. It would be a challenge, but when I had Bella it simply took finding a new routine.
So what is it? I have pondered this question far longer than that post, but this weekend has had me thinking on it every moment of the day. Last night Sam and I talked for hours on having a second. What held me back? Why do I feel this need to try to put it off or think of every excuse in the world why I shouldn’t? Do I really not want any more kids? What about that he does? Why do I know I could, in a moment, have that longing for a baby but I won’t let myself?
Lately I’ve felt very, very keenly how much of a box this blog has put me in. There are things that I have said on here that I feel I can’t get away from. Change my mind on. Display the opposite of.
I have always wanted this blog to be a place where anyone can stop by and think, “Oh! Me too!” And by using labels and the words “never” and “always”, I feel I’ve made that harder and harder. I’ve begun to sense the fact that people have read me for so long they know who I am in a way even I don’t.
So here we are. 20 confessions about me that I’ve been itching to say for a while. Let’s break out of the “I’m the perfect mom with the cleanest home on the block” mold I’ve tried to force myself into. [Read more...]
Last night Sam and I were cooking dinner, and he wrapped his arms around me as we watched Bella play in the living room. I paused for a second before asking, “Are you happy with our little life?”
I’d asked it before, but I wanted to hear it again. And why. To just know for sure that we were both perfectly content with how things are.
He hugged me tighter. “Of course,” he said surprised. “Didn’t you see my facebook status?”
I laughed so hard I cried.
It was pretty sweet though:
I'm opinionated. Sarcastic. A SAHM. Christian. A proud Army wife. I love to write. I'm crazy about cloth diapers. I struggle with anxiety.
My husband Sam is my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. After nearly 9 years of marriage we've faced PTSD, a war, alcoholism, and moving to a place we never wanted to be but ended up liking. God has continually blessed us in moving here.
One of my biggest joys in life, Bella, was born 11/09 and we're pregnant with our second - after hesitating about doing it all again.
I tend to emotionally dry heave on this blog from time to time - you've been warned.
This? This is my blog. My thoughts, feelings, faith, and life. Uncensored.
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