Moving

Worth the Wait

October 18, 2011 by Diana 6 Comments

Oh. My heart…

It was so worth the 20 years it took to come back here.

I can’t even put into words yet all that I felt. I really can’t. It’s so overwhelming and so much to process. But I have what I came for, I feel like in a way I was able to tell my childhood here goodbye, and this has been one of the biggest events in my life.

Truly. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll write it all down later – things happened here that had God’s hand all over them. One thing I wanted to share was how it was almost exactly the way I remembered it. Scenes in my head I’d replayed for so long were real – none of it was distorted or changed. I was so thankful for that, and it hit me again hat an impact living here must have had on me. No where else we ever lived made me feel this way.

So thankful I came here and got to share these moments with Erika.

My home:

The church next to us. My dad was the pastor:

Erika and me on the back porch:

Lots of tears. Healing ones. I’ll share the rest soon. But I couldn’t sleep till I told at least a little.

I think I found one of the missing pieces of my heart by coming back.

Filed Under: Family, Fun Times, Growing Up, Home, Moving, Thankful ·

Going Home.

October 14, 2011 by Diana 15 Comments

When I was a little girl, we moved. And I never got over it.

You know you love my sweats. And our rockin' bedspread. 80's flashback...

We lived in this small town in New Jersey, one of those places you see in the movies with big trees and gabled homes with shutters, and I rode the bus to school and back with my friends. We had a big backyard with honeysuckles, a neighboring barn, and a tire swing. My dad was the pastor so we lived in the church manse, but at 6 years old it was just my home.

At the time it was just me, my brother and my sister, both younger. My other little brother was born much later. Us three did everything together – forts under our bunk beds, story telling, pretending the sprinkler was a door to a magical world, and reenacting the Christmas nativity scene by wearing dishcloths on our heads. I had friends within walking distance – one of whom is Erika from NAMAmmaSTE. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Family, Fun Times, Growing Up, Home, Moving, Thankful · Tagged With: Friends, Things that make me smile, When I grow up

That old feeling

July 5, 2011 by Diana 32 Comments

We’re all moved into our new house. And it’s lovely. It needs some work, but nothing we can’t handle, and remind me never, ever to complain about my husband not helping enough around the house. This 3 day weekend Sam spent all his free time steam cleaning the carpet for hours, on the roof checking the air, outside working for Bella to have some lawn, and helping put all the furniture and back together and in place.

This morning I got that feeling I haven’t had much of since we sold our home last July. I was walking on the cool tile, getting ready for the day as Bella slept in our room. It’s hot enough that the most comfortable thing is to wear a dress or skirt everyday (which aside from the daily leg shaving, I am growing to love). The washing machine was going, the cloth diapers were ready to use again (how I’ve missed them), the fans were on to ward off the upcoming heat, the recycling bin was out again (yes. I missed it) and I was making breakfast. I looked around at our clean, white, pretty home and I was content.

And I had that overwhelming feeling of happiness for what life has handed me. I was thankful to be at home. To be *in* a home. To have the time to cook new recipes and clean till it shines. To wash cloth diapers, start a garden, knit slippers and be a housewife. To have farmers markets, Gymboree, an awesome base, and a zoo close by. To have a backyard for Bella to play in. To sit on my porch at night and listen to the children in our neighborhood play and laugh. To curl up to my husband at night again.

To have a Super Target, Olive Garden, and The Children’s Place within a mile of me.

Had to throw some shallow in there.

It’s been a hard few weeks. And it wasn’t the easiest to move in here. Everything that could have gone wrong did. But it’s been worth it. Because if that time in the hotel and the first couple days here hadn’t sucked so much (and they really, truly did – from the movers showing up 3 hours late to 2 cats running away to the air conditioning breaking to the smell of cat pee that took days to get rid of) I wouldn’t appreciate this as much. I wouldn’t see that El Paso offers some of the same things as Denver, or walk through my home and see the good instead of picking it apart.

Is life perfect? No. But quite honestly, it’s better than I could have imagined in the past few months of turmoil. I’m beginning to love it here.

And? Vlog of the house coming soon. Here’s a peek:

Filed Under: Cloth Diapering, Cooking, Home, Moving, Parenting, Sam, Thankful · Tagged With: Motherhood

The Waiting Game and Spontaneous Combustion

June 29, 2011 by Diana 12 Comments

We found two homes through the same realtor that we love. Really love. Like – “they would be nice even in Colorado” love.

And we’re supposed to hear back tomorrow on them because they had other applicants. I’d love to post pics but I didn’t get any while we were there (Bella had small meltdowns, took to rubbing her paci in the dirt, and freaked out about going in a strange home). I can’t pull them offline because we don’t get service on the laptop in our hotel room, and only occasionally on our cells which is where I blog from.

But the one we love is cute and clean and in a sweet neighborhood – I’m praying so hard we get it. So hard.

Because if I have to spend one more night in this hotel with the scalding hot/freezing cold SURPRISE! shower, the hairdryer that blew flames out the first (and only) time I used it, the bed sheets made out of same material as the curtains, the door that sticks and must be opened by barreling full speed into it, the cat litter box 3 feet from our bed that they decide to all take a dump in at once at 2am (every.single.night), the pack n play that Bella refuses to nap in and wails “Up, moe (more), caca (cracker)” while signing furiously in hopes of being taken out, the screaming kids that run up and down the sidewalk at night, the church groups that banged on a drum and yelled prayers at the sky for an hour (where was the lightning then God, huh?), that it’s been 102+ every day since we got here, the puke stain on my side of the floor from Bella, the fact that I got food poisoning yesterday and then so did Sam and Bella was a mess because neither of us could bear to get out of bed for more than a few minutes, that we got a double bed (really?) instead of the queen, and that our TV gets 8 blurry channels and 2 of them are in Spanish – one more night here…

And I may indeed spontaneously combust.

That would be a shame because I’d really like to be here when we get a house. In one piece and burn free as well.

And while I understand I need to be thankful (and I am), right now I need to write this to find the humorous side of the mess we’re living in.

P.S. I lied: I have a pic!! Thank you iPhone for phone shots.

Filed Under: Fun Times, Moving, Stress · Tagged With: A funny, It won't be like this for long

Acceptance

June 27, 2011 by Diana 24 Comments

When I was little, I dreamed of being a famous actress. Nevermind that I had an unholy fear of speaking in front of crowds. I just knew when I grew up I was going to be one of the most well known people in the world. I’d be rich and live in a huge house and everyone would want to be me.

As I got older, there was always a sense of “having the best” in me that often caused strife in my marriage and life in general. I could settle for less but only at a cost of (what I thought was) my happiness and with longing for better the rest of the time. I felt that I was biding my time until I was discovered or won the lottery I didn’t play.

Then one day in San Diego, I was sitting in traffic waiting for everyone to move so I could get to my exit. And I remember looking at the half mile of cars in front of me, all waiting to get somewhere. As I looked around, it hit me just how many people must live on earth. And how 99.99% of us all want to be special. To be known.

The likelihood of that happening is really, really small. I mean, really. And what was I thinking, someone was going to see me in my car and offer me an acting gig? That I was going to make two hundred thousand dollars a year on a high school education?

A small part of the unsatisfied me began to die that day. Little by little, although it still would flame up in jealousy and desire when I’d see a bigger home, a nicer car, a better job.

Moving from our home (that we almost lost) to an apartment, having to downsize all our stuff, then leaving Sam because of his drinking gave me a huge change in my perspective on what mattered.

As did moving here. To El Paso. And staying in a crappy hotel with limited access to anything, in a town thats definition of “nice” is the Colorado definition of “run away.”

Today we looked at homes to rent. As we drove along, I felt the same, “Omg, I can’t live here. I can’t bring anyone to this place. What will people think?”

Then I heard Sam say, “I just want you to not have to work. To be able to stay home with Bella. So these homes aren’t huge or anything, but it’s safe and clean and military friendly.”

Once again, perspective took hold. I had a choice. I could be a spoiled brat and insist we live way over our means so I could show off and feel great about our house, then fight about how tight money would be and go back into debt while I went back to work.

Or I could accept what we can afford as a military family, as a SAHM, and still get to be what I love – a housewife in a little neighborhood with other families just like us.

I’m choosing acceptance. I’m choosing to let go of my pride and need to impress (and who I might ask? My family and true friends won’t care if I live in a mansion) and accepting what I am given here. It’s not easy. It might not always shine through in my posts. I may still bitch and moan about how hot it is (107 today) or how I wish there was fun stuff to do. But I’m trying. And I’m allowed to say those things – just because we signed up for this doesn’t meant we don’t get to whine sometimes.

I have a choice. And I’m choosing to let the idealistic American dream of a big home in a perfect neighborhood go so we can be debt free, live in our means, and raise Bella at home. Those are the important things to me, it’s what truly makes me happy. I can live anywhere because it’s the life inside the house that makes it a home.

Filed Under: Family, Growing Up, Home, Moving, Thankful · Tagged With: Motherhood, Why I do what I do

Breathe.

June 25, 2011 by Diana 10 Comments

We’re on our way back from looking at homes. Closer to base and in our price range. And it’s better. It really is. It’s not somewhere like Dallas or Denver (which I sorely miss) but it’s nothing like our hotel in downtown El Paso.

Sam reminded me we are 6 miles from the border. And in a big city. Of course it’s going to be dirty and huge – most cities are.

I heard on the news the heat here is unusual even for El Paso in June. So there we go.

And we’ve found a few fun places to eat. Our hotel has a swimming pool.

I have my husband and daughter with me. As cranky and tired and culture shocked as they both are. We will be ok.

And? Bella found a dried lizard outside today that had eye sockets but no eyes and was flattened into a kind of very dry raisin.

So there is that. If nothing else, we have sun-dried raisin lizards with no eye balls.