I loved Cool Runnings.
I’d say 75% of the time I am thinking of the what if’s and the unknowns to come. Still trying to wrap my head around having two babies here at one time. I can’t. There is a point where my thoughts simply can’t go any further – like if you imagine eternity and it blacks out and overloads your brain. That’s how twins is for me.
And with this, it’s hard to write about my actual feelings. There was SO much I wanted to change with how I handled another baby this time around. Another pregnancy. As excited and thankful and grateful as I am for my babies, there is a part of me that wrestles with the sadness of a new normal when I didn’t even manage to get the old one right most of the time. There is a constant nagging of all my expectations being changed and altered and in many people’s eyes – I will fail. It might not matter to some, you might think I should just get over it. But those are my feelings and it’s real to me.
It matters to me. I wanted my version of perfect.