I see pride. I see power.

I loved Cool Runnings.

I’d say 75% of the time I am thinking of the what if’s and the unknowns to come. Still trying to wrap my head around having two babies here at one time. I can’t. There is a point where my thoughts simply can’t go any further – like if you imagine eternity and it blacks out and overloads your brain. That’s how twins is for me.

And with this, it’s hard to write about my actual feelings. There was SO much I wanted to change with how I handled another baby this time around. Another pregnancy. As excited and thankful and grateful as I am for my babies, there is a part of me that wrestles with the sadness of a new normal when I didn’t even manage to get the old one right most of the time. There is a constant nagging of all my expectations being changed and altered and in many people’s eyes – I will fail. It might not matter to some, you might think I should just get over it. But those are my feelings and it’s real to me.

It matters to me. I wanted my version of perfect.

[Read more…]

The “Right” Parenting Choice

I’ll admit that I love being told I’m a good mom or doing a good job raising Bella. Who doesn’t like to hear that? But what I don’t love is when someone tries to congratulate me with a backwards compliment or insult to a working mom. Because that, my friends, really torks my monkey.

Like the PA in our old doctors office who wondered why Bella had croup so often last year. She asked if I had Bella in daycare, and I replied I stayed at home with her.

“Good for you,” she replied nodding. “Best thing you can do when you have children, what a great choice.”

[Read more…]

To BC or not to BC. And to find a midwife.

This morning I get the missing Mirena out.

Hopefully. :/

::must stay positive::

And then with it out – the question remains of what’s next. Do we use FAM for prevention?

Or to expand our family? [Read more…]

Sunday Confessions: I Liked My Hospital Birth

As Bella’s second birthday approachs (Tuesday! ::sob::), I’ve started thinking about the days leading up to having her.

I had a really special, personal, empowering birth with Bella – at a hospital. With an epidural. I know, right? Because so often nowadays we’re told that can’t happen. I had a doctor who was a breastfeeding advocate, a comfortable, private birthing suite, a whirlpool tub, and staff that listened to my thoughts and desires.

Well, one nurse didn’t want to – but I had enough knowledge and confidence about what I wanted that she eventually just let me be. And stopped suggesting I supplement with formula. 12 hours after giving birth. :/ [Read more…]

Is this the price of writing publicly?

I’ve posted many times on wanting to be more me on here. More real, more open. More opinionated. Sunday I wrote a post that was straight from my heart, no editing or anything. I set it to publish that next morning and went to bed.

In the past 3 days, I’ve learned that when people encourage you to, “Write what you want!” they often mean to add, “As long as it’s something we agree with!”

I’m not going to sit here and say that some of the comments made on my posts or spin off posts from it didn’t hurt. They did. It wasn’t easy to see people get their feelings hurt and become offended. It certainly wasn’t my intention, and I wrote it with no one in mind but myself and a random Pinterest pin from someone I don’t even follow. [Read more…]