I really did. When Sam left, all I could think of was passing 7 weeks of Bella and I staring each other down.

77 hours of face time a week. Excluding naps and night. That’s a heck of a lot of time to fill when you don’t get an evening or weekend break for a little while.

But, it’s been the opposite. I’ve been so busy in fact that it’s hard to find the time to fit in a lot of things. Between doctor appointments, therapy appointments, work, playdates, taking the cat and dog to the vet multiple times, and then just life in general – most night I collapse into bed around 9 and pass out.

Thankful that the time has flown, we finally found a sitter, and today leaves us 3 weeks to go without Daddy.

Here’s what else I’ve been working on in the meantime:

• My 9 Favorite Products for Dry Skin During Pregnancy - because we live in the desert. Enough said. 
• What a 12 Week 3D Ultrasound Looks Like – our little one in 3D!
• 14 Questions and Tips for Hiring a Nanny Before the Baby – been there, been hired. It’s a easier process if you know what to ask before hiring someone.
• 12 Weeks Pregnant: Stats, Symptoms, and a Pic – this past week!
• Making the Best of a Duty Station You Didn’t Want – what happens when life gives you El Paso.
• The Grass is Always Greener. And Browner. – how working from home sparks the “You’re so lucky” comments.
• Goodbye First Tri: A Look Back in Pictures – a look into my Instagrammed life over the past 3 months of pregnancy.

What a year it’s been.

I don’t wish it to be over. I didn’t hate this year. It was hard. There were horrible times. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.

But I had some amazing things happen. 

I had twins. I survived a rough pregnancy and birth. I had thousands of you step in to make sure I was treated fairly in a bad situation in the hospital. I got hired to write for some pretty amazing companies and the love of my online heart She Reads Truth. I went to Blissdom and BlogHer and then was sent on the Disney cruise of a lifetime with Bella, courtesy of Babble and Disney.

I was syndicated on the Huffington Post. We went headfirst into an adoption and learned so very much about that process – and it turned out that not being able to right now was the best decision for us.

I met the most amazing women who have been there every step of this journey with me, and realized there were some people in my life who would stick by me no matter how insane they thought I might be those first few months. I have friends online and off that will have a piece of my heart forever.

Sam and I have grown together so much, our marriage is forever changed in such a wonderful way. Our marriage is what I prayed and hoped so hard it would be one day but had started to doubt it would before we stopped drinking. Our sons only made us stronger and more in love. We celebrated 2 years of sobriety and my daughter’s 3rd birthday. And we’re expecting baby #4 in August.

But most of all, I’ve come to know who I truly am as I woman of God. I still stumble (a lot), I can be a disaster of epic proportions. But I know I am forgiven and loved, and repentance is different to me now. I have fears and worries that also have an undercurrent of faith that runs through them. I know I could get through anything in life with faith that God has my life in His hands. I truly believe that, as much as it might seem I simply worry myself into a coma some days.

I am thankful for this year. I hope that 2013 brings a new baby and some beautiful times and memories – maybe some not so painful but just as valued.

———–

Catch up on Babble:

• Hyperemesis Gravidarum is not Just Morning Sickness: 5 Ways it Differs
• Pregnancy #3, Baby #4
• Making the Sacrifice: Pregnancy with Hyperemesis
• What a FAM Pregnancy Chart Looks Like
• How I Told My Husband About This Pregnancy
• 5 Weeks Pregnant: Stats and Symptoms

I feel like I should be more angry, more upset, more something about this whole adoption process and the way it all ended.

And yet.

It’s almost a relief to have it over with for the time. It was beginning to become so.much.stress on us.

I am angry – but then I’m not. I can’t really be, we prayed every night since starting this in May that if we weren’t supposed to adopt right now, God would show us. And He did. How can I be angry about that? He told us no for now, but left the door open for later by allowing us an approved homestudy. We can adopt in a few years, we were told that by both agencies. They just want to see more time passed.

I am embarrassed more than anything. I feel like we rushed it, but I won’t apologize for that. The process and all the focus it took helped me through very, very rough moments in my grief. There was something to cling to, even if it didn’t work out. That’s ok. I’m embarrassed to tell you all though. To have the woman on Twitter tell me that we shouldn’t be allowed to adopt or have children because Sam is a recovering alcoholic. To admit it on here, again. To know that was part of the reason that we were turned down.

(more…)

For years, Sam made the coffee in our marriage. I wasn’t a fan of coffee at all, and I didn’t want to learn how to make it. It all seemed very complicated.

No laughing. You’ll see how right I was.

But once I got hooked, I learned how to make a good cup of coffee – in our French press, in the expresso maker, and tried to in the pot. But the last one did me in. No matter how hard I tried, it came out too strong. And Sam would always say, “Man, how many scoops did you put in?”

I’d reply, “Just like it says on the bag – a little more than one tablespoon per cup.”

And since we fill the water up to the 8 line in the coffee maker, I naturally put in 10+ heaping tablespoons. Because it was 8 cups of water.

The odd part was – once I used a glass measuring cup, and exactly 6 cups of water later, I was already past 8 cups in the pot. Which puzzled me. How was this possible? Was our measuring cup wrong? Had I bought a defective one? Was I cooking and baking with something that added 2 spare cups to each 6 cup recipe? That’s why we have enough pancakes to feed an army…

(more…)

Sometimes there are moments where you see everything so clearly in a split second.

Yesterday was that moment.

I found myself sad, wanting to control the adoption process, feeling irritated and annoyed. I was upset that our honesty with it all had caused it to start to crumble, and part of me wondered if maybe we’d have just kept it to ourselves about Sam’s drinking, maybe we’d have gotten to move forward.

Sam came home that evening and I could tell he was off too. We were snappy and on edge, trying to figure out what path to take next. We seem to be at a crossroads that we aren’t really in charge of.

I kept saying, “How can they punish us for a past mistake that we’ve worked so hard to fix? It’s not fair. I don’t understand how this is our life suddenly – what the heck happened?”

I was ashamed to come on here and write about it. I thought maybe I’d just not say anything about it until – “SURPRISE! We changed our minds! We don’t want to adopt after all.” And no one would know.

But I remembered the post about writing because this was God’s story of our lives, not just ours.

And then it hit me. God’s story. We were trying to do God’s will. Publicly. In faith. The best we can being imperfect humans.

This is Satan.

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