I’m a mess. And I can’t stop it.

I can’t shake it.

I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, this life I have is all going to come crashing down in a million pieces on me. Because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m a mess. Because no one lives without tragedy and somehow it’s my turn. [Read more...]

To my daughter on her 2nd birthday

Bella,

Last night as I sat on your bed and brushed your hair away from your face, I remembered the time I first saw you. How small and red you were. How perfect. How your tiny hiccups that had been so precious in me were now happening in my arms.

I remembered your squinty little eyes as you tried to make sense of everything around you. How you snuggled up so perfectly to me. How I knew at that moment I was complete, I had my little girl.

Besties

These past two years have brought so many changes to our little family. From you being so sick with reflux, to me knowing I could stay at home, us stopping drinking, Daddy joining the military again, and two moves to end up in El Paso – where you seem to enjoy yourself more everyday.

You have little friends, “Key” holds a special place in your heart as much as you hate her to touch your toys. When you two hold hands, her mama and I crack up at the cuteness of it all.

Us knitting.

You are fascinated with the world. Everything needs to be asked about and explored. You have the sweetest spirit with things, always making sure not to hurt something on purpose – unless it’s the kitties. Their tails hold endless fascination for you.

Your signing is amazing, you do it so well it’s made my life 100x easier. We love to watch you recognize something and sign it to us before you even say it.

Trucks - your other love

When there is something off, you get it now. You crack up at things that are silly. And when I make the kitties dance for you. Much to their chagrin.

You know family and friends. Nana, Grandpa’s, Aunties – you love them all.

Daddy and I can’t imagine life without you. You are the joy of our hearts, the little being we look forward to seeing run down the hall each morning. We are so blessed to have you, to get to share your life with you, to be the guardians of it for a time.

Birthday presents.

I pray each night you will grow up a self confident, capable woman living a life of purpose. That you will one day have a daughter that you love as much as I love you. That you know I would do anything for you. That you understand how much Daddy loves you – he changed his entire life in hopes you have a better one.

We love you more than you can imagine.

Daddy and Mama

Sunday Confessions: I Liked My Hospital Birth

As Bella’s second birthday approachs (Tuesday! ::sob::), I’ve started thinking about the days leading up to having her.

I had a really special, personal, empowering birth with Bella – at a hospital. With an epidural. I know, right? Because so often nowadays we’re told that can’t happen. I had a doctor who was a breastfeeding advocate, a comfortable, private birthing suite, a whirlpool tub, and staff that listened to my thoughts and desires.

Well, one nurse didn’t want to – but I had enough knowledge and confidence about what I wanted that she eventually just let me be. And stopped suggesting I supplement with formula. 12 hours after giving birth. :/ [Read more...]

Life without Cable

For the past 18 months, we’ve had no cable. No satellite. No DVR or even rabbit ears.

Now probably everyone is wondering, “No TV? No alcohol? What the heck do you people do?” [Read more...]

Mad Men and Boobs.

Sam and I started watching Mad Men a couple months ago after we finally pulled ourselves from a nearly 7 month mourning period over Lost. At first we weren’t impressed. I was annoyed with how glamorous Mad Men made smoking, drinking, sleeping around, and being a general douche look.

It wasn’t Lost. I didn’t want it. Take it away. [Read more...]

On being afraid.

*If you’re family, I’m asking you skip reading this post.

 

 

 

After Friday’s post, something didn’t set well with me. Yes, I love how my life is. I love it being just us and Bella. I enjoy the freedom I have to work and write.

But saying those are my reasons not to have another baby isn’t quite accurate. I know I’d be able to continue to write no matter what life throws at me, because I love doing it. I know I could carve out time to work, to cook and clean. It would be a challenge, but when I had Bella it simply took finding a new routine.

So what is it? I have pondered this question far longer than that post, but this weekend has had me thinking on it every moment of the day. Last night Sam and I talked for hours on having a second. What held me back? Why do I feel this need to try to put it off or think of every excuse in the world why I shouldn’t? Do I really not want any more kids? What about that he does? Why do I know I could, in a moment, have that longing for a baby but I won’t let myself?

[Read more...]