I Am So Tired Of It.

I am so, so tired of being treated like an idiot around medical staff.

I’m tired of having to constantly fight to be treated like an individual. Not just another pregnant chick. I am tired of having to comply with policy in order not to make anyone mad, and then feeling like a complete wuss for not saying anything.

I’m tired of being treated like a freak when I do say something.

I’m frustrated that my plans, although not in any way unreasonable for my labor and delivery, have to be approved.

And then aren’t. Without any question. Just – “nope”. Because it’s not policy.

It’s my body. Heck, it’s MY child. And I find it very strange that I could have terminated this pregnancy with less question that the first few hours of what I’d like after he’s born. Heaven forbid that I’d like to have my rights and his protected at birth.

I wish I could just skip the hospital. That I didn’t have to go, and of course I do because I’m so high risk, and so many other things that I could never justify purposefully not going.

I feel the unworked through fear of last time, and the time before, of my labor and birth creeping in on me. I pray so hard that I can discern which to let go of and which to fight for, but I don’t know if I will until that moment. And then if in that moment I’ll just cave, to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness again. I don’t want to head into the hospital with a chip on my shoulder, but it’s there. I can’t get past that feeling that any moment I’m going to be overrun and taken advantage of.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of being afraid of situations that haven’t happened, of people I haven’t met, of my own shortcomings.

I know I’m different than so many others who give birth here. I understand my requests make more work or cause others to step out of a comfort zone. I don’t understand why this is constantly presented back to me as such a problem. Everyone has to comply? Everyone has to have their labor and delivery by the book and follow all procedure or they are made to feel like they’re living on the edge? Why is it a request that seems fairly normal is sent back to me with the message “dangerous” constantly?

Why am I still so afraid of this? I did something last May that was considered crazy. I did take my own life in my hands. I chose a path very much un-traveled, and although it wasn’t known to me at the time, I look back with such gratitude now that we stuck to those decisions.

So why am I still so afraid? What do I think will happen?

I know. I know it and I can hardly bring myself to write it. I’m so afraid that a decision I push for will be the wrong one. It will be my fault this time. And I’ll have to go through this pain and loss all over again. Because of me. My wishes. Not following policy and I lose again.

I’m so afraid of that.

I Don’t Have a Catchy Title. Just Gas and Nausea.

I haven’t posted in a while because there isn’t anything to post about. Not really. And while I am thankful for this (last time I was pregnant and wrote that we found out the next week we were having twins) it’s also really hard to write about anything on here.

Mostly because I don’t want to complain. But I do want to be realistic.

Pregnancy isn’t all fun and sparkles. Right now at 8 weeks and 4 days I crave sleep more than anything. I have bloating, gas, burp all the time, heartburn, horrible headaches, nausea, and want to cry over just about anything. So basically I’m a bundle of darling cuteness.

I’m so thankful I’m here and so wishing that I felt better. It’s hard to balance the “This is how pregnancy is and it’s ok!” with “OMG YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT BEING HAPPY ABOUT IT 24-7.”


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How it Feels to be on Zoloft

I’ve never been on meds. Excepting Zofran for the constant need to barf while pregnant, I’ve never taken anything besides the occasional Tylenol.

So one night when I broke down and told Sam I thought something was wrong, I couldn’t handle the constant fear that life was going to continue to spiral, that the boys dying continually haunted me, and the nightmares of him and Bella being killed, I also told him I was going to talk to my Dr the next week about it all.

We discussed medication. Because while this is my body, being on anything that alters me also affects him. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, having been on medication when he was younger and learning that it carries a stigma and often is prescribed just as the easy way out of things. We ended up agreeing that we trusted my Dr, she’s seen us through the entire thing so far, and if she thought something was wrong, we’d take her recommendation seriously.

When I was in her office that day, trying to hold it all together, I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. I was being over dramatic, I was short circuiting the grief cycle, this was all normal, if –

Wait. I want you to really read this. Really hear what I am about to say. [Read more…]

Postpartum Anxiety/Depression after the Loss of a Baby

I didn’t know this could happen.

I had no idea that you could experience postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression after the loss of a baby or a miscarriage.

I mean, it makes sense. I think I just figured it happened from lack of sleep, nursing, hormones, etc.

If you lost a child, you grieved. You were sad. I was. I was all of that and more. But it was all normal – right?

And then the nightmares started. Vivid ones, where I could see Bella falling and being killed, being run over, finding her dead – and there wasn’t anything I could do. I had them constantly at night. I’d wake up around 4am and toss and turn, unable to get back to sleep. When I did, I’d have another one. Sometimes they were about Sam. Always someone was being killed or already dead.

I felt a normal grief process during the day – for the most part. But when it hit me, it hit me so hard that I couldn’t function without forcing myself to move on, to ignore, to push it down. Or just explode into tears and grief and sob.

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What Happened

This post has been written many times. But it’s hard for me to rehash it all so it took a while to get done.

I do want to start by saying the apology,ย explanation, and further treatment at our hospital has been phenomenal. We found out that it was a lack of resident communication that started all of this, and we are grateful for the way the heads of each department have stepped up and made the changes needed to ensure this doesn’t happen again. We have always received excellent medical care from the nurses, some of them have been my beacons of hope from the moment we walked through those doors. We believe mistakes are just that – mistakes. We know there was absolutely no malicious intent behind any of this, and we are confident in both our doctors and the continued care here. We are so thankful for the support and encouragement for us from all of you.

Now onto the story of how we got here to begin with…

(I am so sorry but because this has to do with babies, pregnancy, birth – I will be talking about my vagina and some bodily functions. I’ll try to avoid anyone having to wash their eyes with bleach.)

Friday morning Bella and I were hanging out. I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant with the twins. I remember using the restroom only to realize part/all of my mucus plug was out. Concerned but knowing it happened with Bella for weeks, I thought I’d call the Dr later. About 3 minutes after that I had to pee again. I remember thinking how odd that was, but went.

And it was like a balloon burst. [Read more…]