This year. This year wasn’t sad.

This year wasn’t filled with tears and pain and the bewilderment of my life having tipped over.

This year I chose to remember my daughter. Her birth. My sons. The blessing of their short lives. My unborn child. The hope he brings to us.

This Mother’s Day, we spent it as a family. Simply. Quietly. Thankful for a year that has brought so many revelations.

I found peace and strength this year on a day that isn’t going to be carefree or really about me ever again. I prayed that God would give me eyes of gratefulness for what has been placed before me, even briefly.

I’m so blessed to have this little family of mine. Who wants to shower me with love even though I’m a cranky, short tempered, half hearted mother and wife so often. I don’t deserve it. Yet here they are with me.

Thank you Lord that you gave me the chance to be a broken, desperate, human mama to 4 little ones and a wife to a man I can’t even begin to explain how proud I am of. Let them look back and see your grace through my mess.

It’s official y’all.

We’re headed out to North Carolina (Ft Bragg) in September.

Most of you are probably thinking, “Didn’t she tell us this?” But these past 2 months have held some things that put a wrench in the initial plans. The Army wanted Sam to be there by July 10th. Meaning a June move. Meaning I’d be like 30 weeks pregnant, high risk, 4-5 days in a car, and sometimes hours away from medical care on the road.

Fail.

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It’s 5:30 am. And for nearly the past year, Monday through Friday, I wake up as Sam gets ready for work. It’s a rare morning I’m able to get back to sleep, so while he showers I flip on my iPhone, read the news, check Twitter and Facebook, and scroll through my beloved Instagram.

It’s all to keep my mind busy. Letting it wander in the dark leads to anxiety and memories I don’t want to process yet again.

But lately – lately.

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As each day passes with this pregnancy, I have this glimmer of what I can only describe as hope that grows more and more.

Like a tiny light seeping under the door in a dark room. Each day that door opens just a little wider. The room gets a little more light.

I can breathe. I can think about newborns. I can talk with Bella about “baby brother” and what we might expect in those first few months after he’s home. I can visualize myself in the hospital, holding him and crying tears of joy and yes, some of loss still. I’m able to make future plans that revolve around him being here. I create content on Babble that isn’t just loss or fear focused – and do it with humor. That’s something I’ve struggled to do organically for nearly a year.

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A few months ago I was invited to speak at The Influence Conference this coming fall. What a complete dream come true that was for me, and I’m honored {and nervous!} to be joining the women {and men} that will be speaking as well. Some of them even spoke at Blissdom this year so I had a chance to meet them. I’m already working on what I’ll be talking on, and praying over my material and thoughts as it comes together. I’m hoping that whatever I say will truly bless you, the Lord, and the story that has been given to me.

Tickets go on sale today, and there are a limited number to keep this conference small and intimate while still allowing for a wonderful network to happen. If you haven’t had a chance to look at their site and get to know the Influence Network better, head over and see more about the conference, the online classes they host, and the Christian community they pull together. This truly is an extraordinary group of women that make social media connections happen all year round.

Hopefully I’ll see some of you {again? for the first time?} this September in Indianapolis at the Westin for this amazing conference. Also I’ll be bringing the baby – all freshly baked and small. In case any of you need to get a fix right about then.

If you’d like any more info, I can help point you in the right direction or you can find Influence here:

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