Sometimes

Bella at the zoo

There are some days lately – as I start to become less sick, less tired, a little more hopeful – that I look at all we’ve gone through in the past three years and all we are both facing and looking forward to in the upcoming months…

And I feel happy again.

Little bits. Tiny moments of joy where Bella sits next to me chatting, I knit, Sam and I talk, Charlie is on his bed at our feet, the cats are probably somewhere barfing. It all spins together and I feel just so fiercely proud and protective of what we have. Our memories, our hurts, our ability to come back together time and again. Sometimes I feel like we could face anything at this point.

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I’m Tired.

It’s 2:00. I’m alone in a cafe, having spent the past two hours in a intense therapy session. I took an additional two hours after with Bella at her hourly care so I can work.

It’s my last week of my current term of school. Lots to do there.

I haven’t written here in a while. Several in drafts.

I have calls to make. Appointments to check.

And here I sit. Scrolling through pages mindlessly as I avoid this. Writing.

Because I feel like I should be ok. My writing should be about me healing. I’m healing y’all! Expecting a surprise baby and I’m just healing away over here.ย 

I’m pregnant. It’s a girl. Things are good so far. Sunday was Preston and Julian’s birthday – 3 years. And we spent a quiet day at home together.

And yet.ย  [Read more…]

Numb

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Before October 2012, I’d never heard about it – or if I did I didn’t care much. It wasn’t a day I wanted to acknowledge because it had to do with being sad and dead babies and – just no.

Here I am now.

The first year I was angry. Angry that I even had to be a part of this day at all. I wanted my babies back, I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to send off balloons or light a candle, I wanted two cribs, carseats, and to be exhausted.

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Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Jesus

The past few weeks have been – rough. I have so many emotions and feelings swirling around in my brain all the time. I told a girlfriend the other night that it feels like my thoughts are a game of pingpong.

Back and forth. Be happy, be sad. Be thankful, feel resentful. Be angry, be calm.ย 

This week brought an unexpected death to our extended family. A lovely woman who left behind a very distraught family.

The twin’s 2 year birthday was Saturday.

Kaden’s 9 month birthday was Monday.

I see families moving on, growing, becoming the very thing so many of us picture when we think of adulthood. Marriage, babies, school.

Hope dims on days when this overwhelms me. When I look back at the past 2 1/2 years of waiting to bring one of our babies home and I’m furious that once again, I’m here with this burden to carry.

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Because They Lived

Two years ago yesterday I posted this in a private FB group:

2014-04-28 07.35.10

I don’t remember much about those first few days in the hospital. In fact, I’ve never gone back to read one post I wrote during that time. 2 years and I’ve linked to them, but never read. It’s still that painful.

Looking back, I can see the PTSD that spiraled from being there and treated so awfully in both hospitals. I understand how people didn’t get why I acted the way I did after the boys died, because sometimes I don’t even get it – but that doesn’t excuse the treatment fromย people in our life. I didn’t have a lot of PTSD with Kaden’s time at the hospital. The doctors were kind, the nurses were helpful, everyone wanted him to live.

With the twins, everyone just wanted me to leave.

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