Cruel Irony

This week has been an odd one. I’ve had a lot of hospital flashbacks. A lot of memories that have popped up about our time with Kaden that I haven’t thought of in a while.

Wednesday was 7 months. The day itself wasn’t any harder than others – except as time gets further out I realize how very lonely grief can be. Again.

I miss Kaden so desperately, which even writing turns into feeling guilty about not writing on the twins more. But his was so – profoundly shattering. I miss the way he smelled, even when it was of all the medicine being pumped into him. I miss how much he looked like Bella. I miss the way he turned his little head towards me when we were near him, how he knew the sound of our voices. I miss his little eyes staring up at mine, blinking and looking ever so carefully at us.

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Sitter Interview Day

This evening we’re interviewing a potential new sitter.

Our current one has been with us over a year now. I honestly am having a hard time with her leaving, and so is Bella. She’s been here for the entire pregnancy with Kaden, the loss of him, and helped us with the aftermath. She stepped in to give my parents a break when they watched Bella as we took care of Kaden in Dallas, and then again to care for our pets before we came home. She’s been our date night sitter, our on call sitter, and made sure she was handling Bella’s questions correctly after Kaden died. She’s crafty and creative and does the dishes for me -

She’s amazing.

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It’s spring today. Some of you are seriously still buried in snow and I just can’t even. We’ve had spring since like – early January so today is name only.

Bella found the first dandelion of the season today. She was so excited, running up to tell me she’d picked a yellow flower. Hair in tangles. Remains of nail polish on her hands. A bit of breakfast on her face. Then she picked the petals off and gave it to me. ;)

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Lent, Discouragement, and He Who Shall Not Be Named

Lent 2014

Two weeks into Lent and I’m a bit discouraged.

Not with the reading part. I miss reading books but I haven’t touched one since Lent began. I definitely read more in my Bible at first.

Then something happened.

It was like the more I read, the more hopeless I began to feel. The more time I spent with God, the more questions I started to have and the less things made sense. In fact, I just began to feel a little more angry that God allowed (yes, He allowed it)Β me to go through this kind of loss again. And now it’s all messed up even more and everything just seems – hopeless.

So I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I feel like the automatic answer would be, “Just keep reading! Keep trusting! God will speak to you!” But…

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Lily Jade: The Everything Designer Bag

When Bella and I go somewhere, we take a lot of stuff with us. Camera, iPad, face and hand wipes, her toys, little first aid kits, a book or two, and a host of snacks. Which is why I’m a huge fan of big purses. Often they just don’t have enough pockets, so everything ends up in a heap at the bottom while I sort and sift and mumble bad words.

I needed more pockets and more space – but a long lasting purse. Something cute.

Then I discovered the designer diaper bag Lily Jade, which is so much more than your average diaper bag.

Lily Jade Bag Review

I love that I can throw everything in this bag and go, but it’s stylish enough I never feel like I’m lugging around the world inside. Even if I am.

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