Glancing Back – Moving Forward

Everyone has such catchy titles for their end of year posts. Mine just sums up how I felt today.

2014 was a difficult year for us. In ways that I haven’t written about because I just can’t yet. But even with grief, another failed adoption, etc – overall it was a year where things changed for the better. Are still changing for the better.

I have plans for 2015, and I regularly take them before God to make sure I’m not chasing paths and dreams I have no business pursuing.

Some plans are simply to continue what I’ve already started – homeschooling Bella. Going to therapy, and working on our marriage together. Figuring out how to still be a mama to three little boys I barely knew. Being a better, more present mother here.

Some are new, but have been on my heart for a while so I move forward with them.

[Read more…]


They Are Waiting

I’ve had people ask me excitedly, “How was Zimbabwe?” and honestly, I never know what to say. How do you sum up 12 days of an otherworldly, life changing, soul piercing experience into a few sentences?

Zimbabwe with World Vision 2014

“It was good – life changing.”

So much happened there that I don’t even know where to begin. Even on here.

As time passes, I’ll be able to share more stories in depth. One at a time. To think of trying to do it all in a post or two – well there’s no way. You’d be reading a small novel on here. I need to process them, and often in the meantime they tie into my life in America in unexpected ways. It’s then that I feel that little rush to write about it, and then when it comes out the best.

Even the plane rides were an out of body experience. [Read more…]

A Peek Into Our Christmas Day

Yesterday was magical. I couldn’t have picked out a better day for us. The night before Christmas, Bella opened one present (carrying on the tradition from my family), put cookies and milk out for Santa, wore the cutest Christmas nightgown ever, and took an hour and a half to wind down and pass out.

Christmas 2014

I sat up till 10 wrapping gifts and rearranging them under the tree, then hauling the world’s largest Stegosaurus out. [Read more…]

Lost and {Hoping to be} Found

It’s been nearly three weeks since I wrote on here. Mostly because I have been a bit too overwhelmed to write how I’m feeling. And even typing that makes me want to close the computer.

I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t know what else to say. I often wish that I could go back to 3 years ago and make the decision to just have Bella – like we were on the verge of doing. I flipped through old pictures on Instagram yesterday – way back to when I wasn’t even pregnant with the twins, and my heart hurt. I saw this girl who was happy. Young. Vibrant.

I don’t even know where she went – or when I lost her. But I hardly recognize her anymore. In fact, by the end I felt so envious of my former self I had to shut off my phone for a while. (hashtag healthy right there y’all)

Then something hit me – there was hardly any Jesus in those pictures. I don’t even remember thinking about my faith a whole lot. A snap of a devotional once in a while. A Bible verse. Would I trade my faith now in for the easier, carefree me? Or the little glimpses of knowing my sons?

Everything is so different. Writing that feels like I’m complaining, but I don’t think I am. Just – struggling.

[Read more…]

When You’re Praying for the Miracle You Didn’t Get

I don’t know if I believe in miracles anymore. I really don’t. I did even after Preston and Julian died. It was tremedously awful but scientifically, it made sense. I was a high risk pregnancy. Bella was born on the cusp of preterm.

But Kaden. Kaden changed everything for me. I prayed. You prayed. So many people prayed and cried and pleaded with God.

Not again.

Not their family.

Not this baby.

I believed until the day I got the call to pick up his ashes that we would get a miracle. Somehow, God would make this right. He wouldn’t let me go through all that pain and a pregnancy full of trauma, anxiety, and tears just to lose my rainbow baby.

Yet He did.

So I have a hard time with miracles.

Yet even in my doubt and anger, I still find my heart crying out to God for them.

[Read more…]