Different

Bella Bella woke up this morning with a fever and telling me, “I need to throw up…”

So right now she’s on the couch next to me, sleeping and buried in the covers, as I write. Her little hands are cupping her own face, I can’t think of anything cuter.

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Pondering Fulfillment

Life is a funny thing. I often wonder if anyone ever feels the way I do about it – that this isn’t at all what I expected it to be. Not all bad – just so different. Will it all come together at some point in an “AHA!” moment? Will I ever see the purpose behind this pain – enough of a purpose that I can use it to propel forward? Or will it just be a series of little moments that never really string together? I think of all the things I’d love to do…

I want to write a book. I’ve wanted to on and off for a while, but these past few months – well, probably since Kaden died – I’ve felt this urge to write one.

I know what it’ll be about.

I know the title.

I have the chapters in my head.

I’ve read about traditional publishing and self publishing and even contacted a company that helps self publish.

Then I sit down and become paralyzed by writing a whole book. (And yes, even breaking it into chapters is still overwhelming because it’s chapters of a whole book lol.) I over think it – where do I begin? Do I plan out the book in those idea bubbles? Research? Just start writing?

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Bitten

Monday we headed up to New Mexico with our Girl Scout troop to pick apples at an orchard. Sam and I have passed this particular one many times on the way to the corn maze and pumpkin patch, but we never knew we could stop there. We pulled up to a small, ranch style home surrounded by huge trees and green fields – something we don’t see much of in El Paso. It was just gorgeous.

Apple Picking 2

After waiting a few minutes for the rest of the troop to arrive, Bella and I got out and gathered our bags, spraying ourselves down with bug spray.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

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Come Away With Me

I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting to tell you all this.

And yesterday I finally received this in the mail, so now I can.

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#Blessed Weakness

#Blessed Weakness

I see the #blessed hashtag everywhere. If I’m really honest, it makes me incredibly angry most of the time. It’s used for (what I consider) trite, stupid things.

Is that my call to make? No. But that’s how it feels right now.

I’m using Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of Strength (afflink) with my  mom in our one on one Bible study. This week we talked about strength in our weakness, specifically God’s strength.

Lately I feel very on edge about doing things the right way. We’ve had some really bad weeks, with more to come as a consequence of them, and my inner control freak kicks in at these moments to keep everything I can in line.

  • Clean the house.
  • Vacuum like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Organize.
  • Schedule.
  • Plan.
  • Then fall apart.

The other night I sat on the couch and sobbed to Sam about what a disaster our life is. Again. And really – it is. I wish I could be more specific (it’s preventing me from writing more on here because I have so many “can’t be told’s”) but we are waiting to see the outcome of some of this before I make it public.

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