This is a weird post. I realize that.

The other evening I watched as Heather Spohr from The Spohr’s Are Multiplying went into have her son. If you don’t know her backstory, she had her daughter Maddie 12 weeks early several years ago, and Maddie fought through huge medical complications for 17 months before passing away.

They are an amazing family and I was so happy she brought home a healthy little son.

I’ve never read her blog through and through (I’m a terrible blog reader. Terrible.) But that night I went over and clicked on her Living With Loss tab. I can tell you right now, I read loss blogs/loss posts less than even regular blogs. It’s still hard. But hers drew me in, and I clicked through several while feeling that connection in a small way.

Then I realized how far back they went. Page after page. Post after post.

And a wave of envy washed over me. Envy for her bravery in posting for years on her daughter. Envy to keep writing in the face of people who were uncomfortable with her story. That she wrote and wrote and didn’t seem to give one thought to people who may have said, “But you have another beautiful daughter so why do you live in ‘what if’ land still?”

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My heart is so full of wonder and thankfulness on nights like this.

Not long after losing the twins last May, I started with a women’s online Bible study called She Reads Truth. I felt rather lost, alone, desperate for a steady place to turn to read my Bible on a frequent basis but also learn and grow from that. I felt like I was sinking into a world where God was very far away and I didn’t know how to get back to Him.

A year later, it’s been life changing.

I’ve been continually blessed by this community of women (and occasional men!) that study alongside me. Being asked to write with the other women was one of the highlights of my blogging journey – it has really forced me to question why and what I truly believe and how I can share that with others in a way pleasing to God. It’s also been incredibly humbling to write and know I’m responsible for my words and then actions – sometimes that can almost be overwhelming but I trust God knows my heart and you all definitely know I’m no where near a perfect Christian. The humanity/bound to fail thing really helps when I’m feeling a bit less than angelic.

Like while writing this I just yelled at Bella to stop hitting the dog with the dog bed.

As we start a new study in the next few days, I’d invite you to join in with us. For just this time, or maybe ongoing. Read on your phone, download the YouVersion app that publishes our work, subscribe by email, and find our community on Facebook, Instagram with the #shereadstruth hashtag and @shereadstruth, and Twitter.

Thank you to those of you who support this group. The writers, the behind the scenes people, the commenters, the faithful prayer partners. I have been changed and blessed forever because of what God put in a few women’s hearts and then laid His hands on to bless. May our online presence be a gift to Him.

We’re hosting a vlog/blog link up today for our anniversary! Please feel free to join!

Thursday I took Bella to the perinatologist with me. She checks on my cervix length and cerclage, then we always get a look at the baby. I haven’t seen him in a month, so I was pretty excited to see how much he’d grown and what he might look like at this point. I was 27 weeks and 4 days.

The tech measured everything of his again – we saw his arm and leg bones, head, heard his heartbeat. Bella loved that. It’s her favorite part. She calls it the “whoosh whoosh.”

When the Dr came in, she looked at the measurements and grinned at me. “He’s a big boy! Clocking in at 29 weeks and 5 days and 3lbs!”

Now, this might seem totally normal to some of you who have had babies measure big, but for us it was a major moment. Bella was only 6lbs 12 oz when she was born. The twins were also under what they should have been for their gestational ages. So to hear those words – it was wonderful. So reassuring to know that he’s doing good, things are ok.

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This is how I’ve felt the past few weeks. Like I’m out in a giant ocean of work/life/baby/life and am just treading to keep my head above.

It’s not all the time. But when it hits, it hits hard. Social media tends to dump it all at once. I can go weeks with nothing. My own blog and a few posts here and there, but some weeks everything comes in at once.

Our sitter has been gone to visit family since mid-April. She’ll be back next week and I can’t tell you how thankful I will be. Writing with a 3 year old is not an easy task, and by her nap I’m so tired I end up falling asleep as well – which is when I could work. As third trimester progresses, I find myself slowing down more and more. Partially because I’m huge. Partially because most of my treks are to the fridge.

Mostly because I can’t remember what I got up for in the first place so I wander around trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do.

Mostly that one.

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