California Dreamin’

Gosh this place smells amazing.

Seriously. I think when you live in El Paso and you visit somewhere else – you realize how other places smell so good.

So we’re out in Santa Clara for my grandma’s 90th birthday. Bella and I flew out Thursday and, after delays and a nearly missed connecting flight, we arrived to a pretty sweet hotel here.

It’s so green and gorgeous. Growing up, we made the trip out here pretty frequently to see my extended family, so this area is like a second home. It’s different coming out here and then heading back to El Paso. There is a part of me that wishes we lived somewhere green and lush, and a part of me that wishes I’d not taken living in San Diego for granted at the start of our marriage.

I do know that a lot of that attitude had to do with me not being thankful/happy for much of anything. I was always searching for the next better thing.

El Paso has taught me such a valuable lesson about truly being able to be content and love where you are – not just long for where you wish you were.

That view comes from some very hard lessons and God – not my own specially smart brain. ;)

California 2

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Every night I stay up as late as I can, until my eyes are so tired they barely stay open. Sam’s already asleep. I’m on my phone, or reading, and I just find something to do until I have to go to bed.

It’s been this way for months now. If I lay in bed long, thoughts of Kaden overwhelm me. I’ll start to cry, my nose plugs up, my eyes and face hurt. It’s awful and I hate it, so I’d rather just fall asleep right away.

When I lost the twins, my OB gave me Ambien or something to allow me to fall asleep – because the flashbacks were brutal. I took them for about a week and stopped. I’ve never been good with meds, they really affect me.

Other than my mind meds. Those work.

This time around I didn’t want anything like Ambien. I didn’t add or change anything at all. But it’s been hard. There are times I wish there was something that would just knock me out from 8-8 without any drowsy side effects.

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Kaden’s Tattoo

This Thursday will be 10 months since Kaden died. 10 months. Each month I think this and each month it’s true – I simply can’t believe it’s been this long.

I don’t know if this has gotten easier to handle. The day to day is easier, yes. The grief isn’t as all consuming every moment. But the times that it hits me are still just as painful and bewildering as the day he passed. There are moments that overtake me out of nowhere and I struggle just to keep myself from screaming and bursting into tears.

  • The baby aisle in Target.
  • New baby announcements.
  • Insurance mail addressed to him.

I had to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and I loved that show.

Don’t think I sit around and feel sorry for myself about this. I hate this. I strive to change my mindset and emotional reaction a little more to these kinds of things. Because it’s life – it’s how it is and there isn’t anyone to blame. It just happened and time marches on. I was so, so close to being ok with this all from losing the twins. Kaden was my rainbow baby, he was supposed to fix all of this.

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Summer Adventures with Kiwi Crate {Free Trial & Discount}

This post contains affiliate links.

Once a month, a little green box comes in the mail that makes Bella squeal and me sigh with relief. My uncrafty mom-guilt at this moment is squelched, because we have a Kiwi Crate.

Kiwi Crate is an award-winning, monthly subscription service that provides all the hands-on materials to inspire creative, educational fun. With themes like Music, Color, Robots, and Safari, these crates deliver everything needed for unique activities that you and your kids can enjoy together. See sample crates here ››

Kiwi Crate Summer Edition & Discounts

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A Surprise Feature in Cupcake Mag

Yesterday my friend Casi of Cupcake Mag texted me this little surprise about her summer issue:

Cupcake Mag

Sure enough, I went to peek a few minutes later and there I was, in some really good company:

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