Paranoia

It’s all I can do.

January 10, 2012 by Diana 20 Comments

Sunday night I made The Pioneer Woman’s Tuscan Bean Soup with Shrimp, (yes it was amazing) and when I cracked open a bottle of dry white cooking wine, I suddenly had a flurry of memories wash over me as the faint smell of alcohol came up.

Sitting with a glass of red wine and watching TV.

Waiting in terror for Sam to drink.

Fighting with Sam while he drank.

The screaming. The throwing. The name calling. The tears and hurt and broken promises.

Over and over. 7 1/2 years. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Anxiety, Confessions, Marriage, Sam, Thankful · Tagged With: Control Freakishness, Paranoia

The Anatomy of an Anxiety Attack

December 13, 2011 by Diana 6 Comments

In the past few weeks, I’ve really been working on stopping thoughts that spin out of control into full blown, “OMG RUN FOR COVER WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE” episodes. It’s hard to catch them because often I don’t even realize I’m thinking/playing the scenes in my head until I’m distracted.

But yesterday, I had one. And yes, this is all going to sound irrational to most of you. Bear with.

[Read more...]

Filed Under: Anxiety, Confessions, Stress · Tagged With: FAIL, Paranoia, Real life, Reasons to save for for therapy

I cheated. Then I paid for it.

November 30, 2011 by Diana 23 Comments

I got a “half caff” latte at Starbucks this morning. I was so tired, even after Gymboree I just couldn’t shake it. The yawn, the heavy eyes, I felt as if I needed a little pick me up. A almost decaf coffee wouldn’t do anything but give me that extra, much craved jolt.

Oh. I was jolted alright. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Confessions, Stress · Tagged With: FAIL, Frustration, Paranoia

AAAAHHHHANXIETYAAAAAHHHHHH

November 29, 2011 by Diana 26 Comments

Because NOTHING EVER GOES THE WAY IT SHOULD.

I go into the Dr today to have my annual exam (family, it’s ok if you just stop reading here. Please.) and she informs me the Mirena I had inserted 2 years ago?

IS GONE.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Of course it is. Of course. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Blogging · Tagged With: FAIL, Head Explosions, Paranoia

I’m a mess. And I can’t stop it.

November 17, 2011 by Diana 36 Comments

I can’t shake it.

I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, this life I have is all going to come crashing down in a million pieces on me. Because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m a mess. Because no one lives without tragedy and somehow it’s my turn. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Army Life, Babies, Confessions, Marriage, Sam, Stress · Tagged With: Paranoia, Real life, Sleepless Nights

It’s hard to write.

October 4, 2011 by Diana 33 Comments

I’ve had a tough time writing on here lately. Really writing. I feel like everyone I know is listening and reading. Which is and isn’t true. Many people I know don’t read this. Many people do.

I am so keenly aware of it though that it’s beginning to hold me back from what I write about. And I hate that.

I have a few things I want to write and I feel if I did I’d hurt someone’s feelings. It’s nothing personal, but it does intertwine with things others are going through or have said. It could easily be taken as personal.

So I don’t write it.

This bothers me. [Read more...]