Trying to get pregnant this time around is really different. I don’t know how else to put it, because it’s just full of so many emotions and triggers.
And yet? Still the same in many ways.
Oddly, it’s probably backwards from what many would expect. Or even what I expected.
I still have a tremendous amount of fear and worry, but this time around it’s for my baby to be. Not because I fear the possibility of knowing how losing a child would feel. Does that make sense? Today my therapist and I were talking about loss and us trying again, and she said, “You could very well feel grief again like this.”
7 months ago? That would have struck fear into my heart so deep. My mind would have screamed, “If she doesn’t say it it won’t happen! Don’t let her talk about it!” Like some kind of a jinx. If no one told me about losing a baby, if I didn’t know anything about it, if I never prepared myself for the possibility, it would never happen.